It rains and pours in the India desert

Pushkar was such a strong and full collection of experiences. After several attempts to leave, i did so after two weeks. I made a realization that it makes no difference whether i have been to a place several times before or if it has newness in whether there is magic to be found.

After Silver left Pushkar i assumed that the chapter had closed and followed accordingly by packing my bag. The charm and persuasion of Jonh & Filter who work at my cozy guesthouse oasis thwarted my departure...and did so two times more until i was finally able to leave to flow with the cycle i have existed in.

at one moment i am filled with joy i am unaccustomed to. this dynamic one where i feel completely comfortable of who i am and those around me. our relationships nourish me and part of that is the mutual exchange of fun, support and growth that we share together.

Yet when the bag is packed and i step across the threshold of the bus steps or train doorway, i am entering a new reality...

i awake in the morning and i have arrived to a new land...

looking into the faces in a sea of strangers.

in one journey

in one night

i have chiseled the wonderful peak down to the bare basics.

to begin the ascent again.

here i sit

atop the majestic centuries old fort in Jaisalmer

the golden city

each building in the hue of brilliant yellow

creating a sea of gold

now that the sun sets, splashing down a rosy hue upon the landscape,

i ponder another day's passing

and where i am now

and where i have been

and where i am going

this part of the cycle masquerades as a lonely time

but unmasked it is the grounding i need

a time for contemplation

i wondered why i am not enjoying this stint in Jaisalmer when it was a highlight of my first India experience 4 years ago. so much has changed, this conclusion is simple. but who and what has changed? The place is the same so the finger points to me.

Do i have expectations that are unmet?

a level compared to the magic from four years ago?

or perhaps i am distracted by upcoming destinations that are shining brighter than this golden city...

i reflected on my experiences thus far in this trip and it is hard to imagine my reality of one and a half months ago when i sat on a beach in Goa stopping a passing woman dressed in a saree with a basket of fruit atop her head...her graceful saunter pausing to sell me a freshly cut pineapple.

was that real?

i have about 25 rolls of undeveloped film that will prove it was true.

that memory was from two months ago.

i have a similar response to memories from two days ago.

was it real when i sat in Pushkar sipping chai with two amazing friends?

when one more was added to our group in the form of an adorable 5 year old indian boy.

we couldn't resist spinning him around and throwing him in the air due to his incomprehensible pleading in Hindi for more...

the shifts in life

transporting to new arenas and dynamics

each choice

each turn

delivers

here i am now

what would have happened if i went to Bundi instead of changing my mind at the last minute to go to Jaisalmer?

or if i had accepted the invitation to join a group of Israelis to Udaipur?

Each one seems to be such a minor decision

but ultimately crucial in my overall destiny

i am awed by how intuitively tuned in many of the indian people are who i meet. Jonh, for example, from my Pushkar guesthouse, had an uncanny knack for predicting things in advance. One example was when he replied to my first announcement of my next day's departure by saying "no, i think you won't leave. you will be here one week more. i also think you will come back again...maybe next year."

i chuckled with amusement at the time but now i look back

and he was right.

a lot of my staying extra time had to do with the two English dreadlocked hippies who checked in the next day. Youthfully spirited and engaging i was able to let a few more days pass without thought.

still glowing from my romance with Silver, i was caught by surprise to find my friendship with Marc grow into a very sweet romance. He's off to Goa now as I head northward.

These romances that grace my journey have been so full

...condensing what at home would normally transpire over weeks

into a string of days.

My heart is full and i am so touched by these relationships. The kind which I have not had for years.

yes, years.

Since David and my relationship ended in India in 2001 i have not had any relationships that i would qualify as substantial or mutual.

...the substantial lapse of time, however, had left me questioning my worth.

instead i chose to question the dynamic in which i existed.

i shook things up and chose to follow my happiness.

...and here it is in india

...and my heart is full and overflowing

...in an Indian desert where it rains and pours

which makes me wonder if it is possible for this lightning to strike again?

i know it will

i want to shed tears for what i have found in each love here

the physical beauty, the inner adonis, the exchange of trust, peeling to our core, elimination of masks, teaching and learning from one another, caring

selfless caring

and more. much much more

until now i have hazy memory of a soul connection that meets the several i continue to have here in india.

now i question my life at home

and i have drawn a conclusion

seemingly rash

but, to me, so clear

i am not destined to be with an American man.

to be honest i have had no love for an American man since 2001.

What i HAVE had was the falling in love with a fantasy of having a relationship.

a normal life at home

the rooted american life

married by 30 and kids on the horizon

or loving the other more

...a pedestal

but love

for me

love is only REAL when there is mutual trust

this trust giving freedom

NO PEDESTALS

equal reverence

and appreciation

and giving and taking

this is my reality right now

but things will change

as all things do

photos of Pushkar

photos of Jaisalmer