Thursday, September 28, 2006

I just got spanked

I’ve been getting more sleep lately, eating a more healthy diet and the weather is gorgeous…

All things that have made me feel invincible when I’m riding around this city on my bike. Yep, I’ve got my bike commuter bag slung around my shoulders, and my zippy bianchi racing bike that I bought years back when I used to compete…I’m soooo cool…and I can outride YOU…yeah, I’m such a bad-ass…

And life grabbed me and threw me against a wall

Full speed

Turning a corner

Nothing in my way

Going directly towards a sign and a fence and yet

…I wasn’t reaching for my brake

why?

I make that turn every day?

I rode at 20mph directly into a sign and bounced into the wood and off my bike

Slow the fuck down and chill out!

You do not need to be racing cars and flying through red lights and stop signs!

Ok, ok…I hear you…

I got the message as I layed sprawled out on the side of the road (thankfully on some grass) tangled within my bike

Feeling humbled and also gracious as several passers by stopped to ask if I was ok

Waiting for the circling birdies chirping above my head to stop, I got up and gathered my sprawled belongings, reattached my chain and ignored the trickling blood coming down my leg

…and continued to ride

this time coasting a lot, stopping at intersections and letting others pass me

Thursday, September 14, 2006

putting myself out there

My lifelong battles have been my insecurities and shyness. Sure, to the outsider, I have a confident demeanor and diverse interests…I’m street smart, autonomous and independent. But when it comes to group dynamics and interacting with people, I often clam up, need to get somewhere else suddenly or I babble.

My belief to conquer fears is to face them squarely in the eye…

One way I unintentionally confronted this was very helpful…spending ten years as a TV News Videographer. The position put me in a situation on a daily basis of approaching complete strangers, striking up a conversation and engaging them in a comfortable dynamic…with the ultimate goal of getting these folks to open up on a professional video camera and to ultimately get their 28 second sound bite blast of fame on the 5 o’clock news. I was able to practice the warm and friendly interaction….it was my JOB. If it were my choice and not my job there was noooo way I would have just randomly walked up to people like this. But because it was my job, I HAD to. And the result most of the time was being rewarded by amicable responses, even if folks ultimately didn’t want to be videotaped.

I left that profession in 2001 and do not miss the TV industry at all, but in the years since then I have been lacking the dynamic that forced me to interact with unfamiliar folks that are not only strangers but are from VERY different circles from ones I am familiar with. Instead, I delved into several years of solo wandering through international travel and then landed a job here in Portland where I am essentially alone all day 9-5. I only have 2 coworkers and our layout provides only solitude while at work.

Outside of work I do get out socially A LOT…perhaps too much sometimes…compromising a necessary balance of grounding with extroversion. However, often when I am out and about I am overcome with my shy insecurities and end up going home without having had much interaction despite being surrounded by a sea of amazing people and possibilities.

At Burning Man this year I made a choice to face this fear and light the fire under my ass by taking a shift at the greeter station where everyone passes as they enter Black Rock City. As a greeter it was my job to interact and welcome each person who passed through my station. I had no choice but to extend myself and be friendly. There was no option to duck away or to give a cold or neutral face to any person. So…each person who passed through received a warm hug from me. The way I made myself feel less intimidated by this daunting role was that I did a mind trick: I made myself believe that each person coming through is a best friend who I hadn’t seen in a while, and who I was really excited to see. And it was incredible to reflect this to each person because of what beamed from the mirror back to me. The experience was not only a teacher for me but a blessing. I realized that I can create my reality by shifting perspective and enacting my desires. When taking on this approach I found I was showered with so much love during my three hours in the hot sun. It definitely created a shift for me in what was evolving into a burn that was for me this year a struggle in the very realm of relationships and skewed inaccurate and insecure mirrors that **I** created.

Now that I am back at home in Portland, I have jumped right into one frying pan and into another sizzler in the form of bartending every night at the PICA TBA late night Works party. Again, I have a JOB to do. It is my role to create a fun and friendly environment…and of course to serve up yummy drinks. and like when I was in TV News, and just last week on the playa, I am rewarded again and again with beautiful mirrors of the variety of people coming through who are so engaged by the positivity, presence and fun I am projecting towards them.

Now…what I need to do is take what I learn from these jobs and become self employed, so to speak. To take this energy and be able to create it on my own without it being in a job description. To manifest this confidence and remember and have faith in what has proved, time and time again, to be consistent…that smiles, positivity, respect and love for the other that I project will get beamed right back at me. It is a cycle and I want to jump in and ride it.