Sunday, January 27, 2008

Days of our Lives: Kudle Beach


At breakfast this morning, Uval asked me what I’m going to miss most about Kudle Beach and I told him the people. The friends I’ve made, the conversations and…the drama.

Of course the beach is gorgeous, there are many nooks to wander around during the day and Gokarna town is a sweet Karnataka village. But the biggest highlight for me here were the friendships and fun times connecting with other like-minded travelers.

I had gotten sucked into the vortex.

In the first few days after arriving to Sea View Resort I spent my chill time at my guesthouse cafe sitting upright and alone at a table by myself surrounded by groups of people who lounged comfortably with others in conversation and often laughter. I wasn’t interacting with anyone and barely able to make eye contact. Every day at sunset was the highlight of my day where people would gather for volleyball, poi spinning and music making. I developed a corny crush on one of the volleyball players who I never seized opportunities to approach him. And once I finally talked to him I realized that it is senseless to create my fantasy pedestals for people. How could I know this man is so wonderful without even exchanging conversation and feeling our interaction? It’s much like when I had a very sweet and romantic moment with a Spaniard who couldn’t speak any English. Communication is essential for knowing if there is a deep connection possible. And on that same token, I let the groups of chill backpackers sitting around me at Sea View intimidate me…because why? Because they were comfortable and don’t have this shy thing that plagues me most of the time.

Eventually I did talk to the amazing volleyball player guy and well, he is nice and deep and attractive, but the truth is that we don’t have that spark that is essential to take a friendship to a more intimate level. On the other hand, my good friend Nijiko clearly shared that “zing” with him. And that was a little weird to witness. I mean, I sat with the two of them and watched their undeniable chemistry. I was really happy for them because it was clear there was something between them happening. And also happy for Nijiko because she is one of the big-time sweethearts I have come across in life and she deserves all the light that she brings to herself through her own beaming personality. But anyway it was also a little weird because I had told her that I had a crush on Mark and she probably also felt a little awkward about how things ultimately developed.

So early in my 2 weeks here I had concluded that I have to stop this fantasy pedestal status I give people; to see everyone as equal and to appreciate strengths instead of putting them above me (as if I don’t also have offerings in strength !?).

I decided to step outside of the Sea View to change my scenery if even for just one meal.

And that one meal found me alone and ultimately approached by an older Indian man. By the end of our lunch I discovered that he is a trained psychologist and had just completed teaching a course that involves recalibrating brainwaves to release emotional patterns of history…to clear paths for new beginnings. I was like…”oh duuuuude…I really need that right now”. So even though he was to leave Gokarna in 2 hours he happily gave me the treatment that involved about 15 minutes seated under a shady tree at the edge of the beach. He clutched my head in his hands and I’m not sure what else he did because my eyes were closed. Now I’m no sucker, I use caution wisely and rarely am duped. And this was very cool.

When he was finished I felt really clear and my body was tingling.

And thereafter, everything changed for me…

No more crushes, no more shyness and no more pedestals.

I don’t mean I was suddenly walking up to any interesting looking person. But my demeanor softened, I was approachable and I was also initiating. Suddenly I didn’t care about having crushes and my energy shifted more to the amazing conversations I was having with new found friends from Germany, Greece, Israel, France, Spain and many more. With each day the friendships deepened.

The environment of travel is a condensed form of relationship development where you are spending all day long for days on end with new friends and old. Thus the speed of deepening relationships quicken much more than those at home where if you have your first nice date or meeting with someone the likelihood is pretty low that your next meeting/date happening will be the same day…and several times in this same day.

At home it’s more like you meet someone and then a week later you see them at another event or gathering…at best. So the speed of relationship development at home is so much slower.

So what does that mean for my two weeks here? Well, I feel that my work to be done here was not so much about meeting my dream man but more about softening my reserve and calming my insecurities. To work on friendships and make connections.

Ironically however, all around me was this big soap opera: friends becoming lovers and the inevitable dramas that can come when in the scenario of temptation and stimulation. I suppose I could feel like I missed out a bit by not having my own little romance here, but I prefer to revel in my current status of observer…and at times a sounding board for the venting tryst participants.

So in a nutshell it was like this:

-My next door neighbor seemed pretty borderline crazy but pleasant enough, so I let that one slide. She was detached from personal relationships, probably from a past trauma, and instead shifted all her focus toward a litter of 4 puppies that were born outside our guesthouse on the beach.

-One woman moved in with her new love and later they had friction and then just as they were going to part ways the guy came back around.

-I saw the French guy I had a crush on last season had arrived to Kudle, but unfortunately he has a girlfriend with him this year. Zut allor! While giving me a macramĂ© beaded hair extension on the beach he told me he was in the middle of a big fight with his girlfriend. And moments later she came over and gave me that jealous girlfriend “look”.

-As depicted above, my friend Nijiko from Japan who I was tight with last season in Bhagsu hooked up with the guy I had a crush on but who I later realized was better suited for Nijiko.

-A large group of us took a one hour boat ride north to an amazing (mostly)-undiscovered beach for a full moon party. The party was such a joke and I think I can confidently say now that psytrance sucks unbelievably (although Gulabi and Lee told me not to make a decision based on this super wack party). Aside from the party however!! The trip to the beach was awesome because our group from Sea View was so great…love these people!! And the beach was amazing…almost as gorgeous as the Andaman Islands.

-My neighbor, upon return to our guesthouse after the full moon party, ended up completely flipping out for over 24 hours…thankfully with a break here and there. Two of the puppies had disappeared and this did not bode well for her in the mix of medications she both took or needed to take and hadn’t…anyway, screaming and violent attack of the internet cafĂ© owner and full drama psycho freak out ensued. Finally someone located some valium and things chilled out a bit.

DRAMA!!!!!

Anyway, there are several more little soap opera whoppers, but that above list is the greatest hits of my two weeks.

Yeah so what I am going to miss most here is the people and the great connections. And in a weird way I suppose those little dramas are a bonus as well. But that’s easy for me to say because none of them affected me directly. I was only in it as support or a mere observer.

It makes me wonder if taking on my own personal dramas would enrich my experiences.

?

Really I am not sure about that one.

I like to glide

http://flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603734234347/

http://www.youtube.com/user/dwanjabi

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

this shy thing


I finally feel at home

Mind you, I’ve been having fun since I left the US 3 weeks ago. First two weeks were the party, the sun, the sand, the tan…

Through my yoga class I made some sweet friends, Nadia and Tonya from Switzerland. I wasn’t planning to leave Arambol and when Nadia asked if I wanted to share a taxi with her to Patnem my first reaction was that it was way too soon to leave. But I slept on it and when I woke up I realized that my approach for this trip to India is to be open to possibilities: no rigid planning or expectations. That’s why when I booked my ticket to India it was one way…to be completely free to what unfolds for me. Where next and when? I don’t know. So when my impulse to answer “no” to travel with a person who I feel so comfortable with as if we’ve been friends for years happened…I checked myself. Why stay in Arambol? Because history proved that 3-4 weeks to stay in Arambol is the norm? Dwan, baby, this is not being open. So I did it. I left.

Patnem…actually not exactly Patnem. It was a quiet and relaxing nook between Patnem and Palolem. Just next to Nadia’s place I got a hut, my own hut complete with a fan, toilet and shower and the random cat that crawled in through the open roof and the colony of ants that had formed in my plastic bag of used toilet paper and tampons. All for 300 rupees. Oh man, that is waaay over my budget. But thankfully I had the bathroom because promptly after arriving to Patnem I got sick. All the probiotics and grapefruit seed extract didn’t help me. So, alas, 6 days in Patnem running to the toilet and laying around in Laguna Vista restaurant. Lying down, chatting with a very nice collection of people, watching young Indian boys climbing on the rocks and the sun setting beyond the single palm tree. We often wondered aloud how we will be able to return home to restaurants that don’t have mattresses so we can lounge and lye down…

Once able to roam and wander beyond the nearby location of a toilet I realized that this isn’t the place for me. But I was conflicted because Tonya showed up 2 days after Nadia and me… and then came Karolina, my Polish friend who I have known for the past two seasons in India. I felt like leaving because… the scene is not mine. And I felt that the only thing keeping me there were these excellent 3 friends. Girl talk, chillin together without having to say a word and the comforts of authentic connection.

I was missing the “freaks” as I call them: people who aren’t afraid to stray from normal expectations. The people in Palolem/Patnem were pretty conventional in appearance and behavior. And I wasn’t challenged by it. So I decided to leave by myself and go to Gokarna.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603679689588/

I am so glad I did!

This is most definitely my scene!

In India, this is the way I roll: I am usually having fun no matter what, but I will float around until I find these places where I feel at home. And Gokarna is my first bull’s-eye. I was here 6 years ago and luckily it hasn’t had the exponential changes like in other amazing spots in India that have been a bit spoiled by the discovery of mainstream tourism.

I’m seeing this return to Gokarna as the completion of a cycle. When I came here 6 years ago it was the first place I came when David and my relationship of 3 years ended. What I found then as I am finding now is joy. Ok, to many the word “joy” is pretty extreme in the happy synonyms. Well, it’s true. I think what I am feeling is “joy”. It’s kind of weird to say.

I am staying at Kudle Beach and it is mostly the same as 6 years ago except for 3 big and very acceptable changes: 1) a few more restaurants with excellent food 2) more people (not too much, cuz there’s a fine line) and 3) toilets! Last time I was here I was sick and there were no toilets. So every time I had to run quickly to take a shit (or squirt, to be more specific) I had to run into a field in view of the nearby wandering cows and the occasional local person. Now all I have to do to get to the toilet is walk through the restaurant past groups of freaky and normal people with no attitude and just really cool because they, in their essence and without a label or scene, are just cool.

Daytime is a bit hot so I usually find some nice shade to chill in until around 3pm when I hit the beach right in front of my guesthouse and very intentionally to the side of the volleyball net. Every day just before sunset a collection of amazing and beautiful people gather in front of my guesthouse to play volleyball, sell their handmade jewelry, make music and look at and interact with all these other amazing diversely international people. One specific area of my attention is going towards this one dreadlocked guy who also happens to be an excellent volleyball player. I can’t tell where he’s from…Israel? Not sure. Actually I think he may be American which is pretty damned novel to see hot and cool American backpacker in India. And damn can he spike that ball.

So I’m trying to work on this shy thing.

Really it is my greatest struggle in life. I’ve been aware of it as a barrier and how it impedes with my potential relationships…both friends and more. So I have this approach to my trip to really open up. Not just open to travel and seeing things…I already do that. I mean open my heart and avail myself to connections…to laugh at my fears and shift from the pain in my history and be like a child that has purity in interacting.

That volleyball guy. I decided that he is going to be my little experiment. I am making eye contact and am in his vicinity. Listen, it’s a start. For me this is progress. I am being my amazing self…because that’s what it takes. You have to know you are an amazing person and show it to the world. And I don’t mean conceit! I mean to learn to love who you are and to then take this lovable person and deliver it. So there I sit and feel this joy amongst the beauty in pretty much everything around me…and, ok, watching this beautiful man spike the ball to give his team another point.

and I smile.

The “problem” is that I am approached by several men and enjoy lovely conversations. But they’re not the ones.

I’ve been told that this shy thing I’ve got is only bringing to me those that pursue me and then I am less likely to be with the ones that I choose. It’s really true. Almost every guy I’ve ever dated has pursued me. You know what? I don’t feel like waiting around for the ones I want to come to me. So therein is my little situation where I am working up my courage to break out of this stupid shy thing. and while I slowly wind up for the pitch I am sidetracked by the men who approach me. I feel ungrateful for their attention and I also feel like I should like these men because they really are nice and all. But I keep looking at the volleyball guy. Even after the game is over and the sun has set. There I sat with the nice Israeli guy who I am really enjoying our conversation but can’t help looking at the volleyball guy who sits alone nearby in the now empty beach. Aargh!

You know, even if nothing ever happens with this volleyball guy this is freakin fun. Just having a crush for me is enough. I guess…

Guess where I will be again tonight at sunset?

Bom

http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603734234347/

Sunday, January 06, 2008

No, I don’t “do” yoga



The first time I tried yoga was in March 2003 in the yoga capital: Rishikesh…the place where the Beatles found their guru…amongst other things. It was the most spectacular setting for yoga: outdoors in the fresh air of the mountainous northern regions of India and home to the onset of the Ganga River. Our class met on the rooftop for clear views of the open sky, trees and the sunsets; to which we would salute repeatedly.

Through the past several years I’ve had random encounters with strangers who have approached me, surmising that I “do” yoga…and as the chap the other day said so eloquently: “it is just an intuitive hunch”.

So whenever approached and asked if I “do” yoga I usually pause and look to some spot skyward and screw up my face a bit…and give an uncertain rambling answer like “well, I think yoga has a lot of potential and I’ve tried it a few times, but I guess I don’t really “do” yoga…but I’d like to give it a try”.

So the onset of this India journey seemed such perfect timing to give yoga another try. I really needed some sort of a schedule to start off my trip. The first few days found me floundering about from the beach to the town and my room…and not sure what to do with myself and all this free time. The class schedule forcing me to wake up each day and be at class by 9:30am gave me the structure I needed as I eased in to the slow non structured life in a beach town in Goa. In addition to having somewhere to be and something to do I had a vehicle for interaction…which is pretty essential to me. I feel much more comfortable interacting with strangers if we have some common thread to motivate a chat…instead of going at it cold with a “so…how long have you been in India already?”, etc.

So now I’m at day 3 of an intensive class comprised of a pretty solid and nice group of people. I’ve got some bonds solidifying with these folks and have already begun to socialize outside of class and even talk about other things besides yoga.

And thank god for that

Because

Today I realized

I DON’T “DO” YOGA

I’m not into it!

Nope!

Halleluiah!

All these years that I’ve felt that self imposed pressure that I should be doing yoga…and that one day I would master it…and that it’s my calling…and all those late nights in my bedroom when I was 8 years old and just naturally striking all the yoga poses meant that I was I yoga master in some previous life…and because I am so fit I can take on any physical exercise expertly without effort …and …and …and

So I was sitting in day 3 today and I was feeling an incredibly amount of pressure as to why I don’t feel comfortable standing completely upside down on my head. And why can’t I do it? Am I weak? Am I loser? If I don’t do it am I quitter??

And you know what I realized? It is OK for me to not “do” yoga!!

Hooray!!!

It is so silly to have created such pressure for myself. I mean, I don’t beat myself up about not snowboarding, yet I can pause at the half-pipe and admire how freaking cool snowboard tricks appear to me, yet not feel like a loser because I’m not doing it.

I reflect back to the gorgeous locale of my Rishikesh yoga class 5 years ago and now remember having felt a bit uncomfortable with several of the poses. …and had ultimately bowed out of the class toward the end of the week. Usually, without the reminders of my current yoga class, my memories of my first class are strongly fixed on the Ganga riverside class and the rooftop with the open air and the nature and the beautiful dreadlocked international men in my class, etc. And yes I do remember how the teacher pulled me in front of the class to use me as a headstand example which ultimately was mildly traumatic which precipitated me quitting back then. But I choose to reflect more on the aforementioned aspects that served me best instead of the humiliation of crying from the anxiety of a pose I was not prepared to do in front of a class.

And today when faced with a similar headstand or even the milder backbend pose I realized:

I’m not into it.

Here comes the introspective wandering conclusion:

While I jokingly tell my friends (both from the class and not) that I am a “quitter” and chuckle about it…the reality is that I can appreciate so many talents and expressions of creativity without feeling the need to duplicate it in style, form or anything similar. I can just love the beauty of what it is and take the residual energy of the joy of appreciation and apply it to MY loves and passions and creations.

So let me take this opportunity to thank all you beautiful creators, performers and talented people. I appreciate you and your gifts of raising that creative vibration.

And yes, this means you yoga masters, too.