final India reflection

I didn’t want to end my trip in Bhagsu…again…for the 4th time in my trips to India.
But that’s the way it ended up.
Usually when the paths in life point in a direction, it’s the space I’m meant to be in. And the signs kept pointing me there.
So I stopped working against the flow of the universe and had faith there was something there for me.
And there was.

Preventing the application of history of experiences and reaction and feelings in perspectives to a present familiar situation and location is a struggle. I realized this and made the choice to determine the offering this time around. It’s the same for me in situations at home: attending Burning Man is a perfect example. My experience will never match previous trips. The people I meet will be different; relationships and friendship as well. So in Bhagsu I followed my heart and impulses and the paths that appealed to me that unfolded in a smooth flow.

Bhagsu offers a shanti (peaceful) vibe that brings me to a relaxed state that makes it possible for me to reflect the lessons and growth from my journey to India this year. Halfway into my stay in the sloping hillside village at the foot of snow topped Himalayan Mountains I witnessed a powerful miracle that helped jerk me into a new reality. As I descended the stairs from my lofty home at the top of the Bhagsu hill I witnessed a woman fall from a 3-story high cliff. I heard a rustle in the brush and looked up to see the onset and full duration as a older English woman took one misstep and fall upright down a rocky and stinging nettle filled 80 degree sloped cliff. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I didn’t know if my heart had stopped or sped up as I felt in that moment that I was about to witness the abrupt and unexpected death of a human life.
The miracle: the woman landed upright on her feet…and stood in shock with emotions I can only barely try to grasp. With a scrape on her arm and pain only from the stinging of the nettles remaining, she was able to walk away and continue her life.
At this moment the appreciation of life and all the amazing aspects of it became powerful. In any moment it can all come to an end in this earthly life. I felt a better understanding of what my final week in India was meant to be, claiming this gratitude and applying it in my daily walk.

Reaching the 4 month mark of my journey I have so many amazing experiences to ponder. As I flip through my photos and recollections from my trip I no longer feel the frustrations and loneliness of what were present in many of my moments of travel. In retrospect I am filled with tingling happy memories of the beautiful sights, connected friendships and powerful expansive experiences that have brought me to where I am and who I am today.
And with this in mind I have better clarity in seeing how I wish to better myself and blossom into. In addition to the natural beauty, amazing people and chill vibe of Bhagsu there are oodles of workshops, activities and classes offering a huge range of personal growth approaches. And the cherry on top of this cake is that they are all available at a fraction of the cost of what is available in any western country. So even though I only had the measly 8 nights in Bhagsu, I relished in various types of readings of personal character. The consistent message of them all was to gain appreciation of what I have. Not just the “things” and relationships I have but more my innate qualities that provide an offering to the world around me and to the people I meet. It rang clear the reminder that when shifting focus from appreciating my own path, characteristics and offerings to the comparison of myself to others’ situations and qualities there is disappointment, dissatisfaction and unrest in my spirit. In short, this reaction to the comparison blocks me.
To shift back on track…MY track…is a relief.
~ * * ~

And now my track is shifting as an end of this chapter as I prepare to return home.
Other than making arrangements for festivals I will be traveling to throughout the summer to sell my 2008 dwanjabi line, I haven’t put much thought into where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing more than one week ahead of me. Here I am in New Delhi with the reality of my return to the USA looming within 2 days. One week in advance of each shift to and fro in my dual India/Portland life I am filled with high emotions as I prepare to swap terrain, culture, friends, lifestyle and stimulation. It has nothing to do with not wanting one or the other; it’s just that the shift is pretty huge for me.
This time though, I feel the emotions are less intense…or I should say: less turbulent. I am really looking forward to coming home, seeing friends, eating my favorite foods, sleeping in my bed, having a home and dancing with joy to my favorite music (of which I have been missing soooo much).
After another day in New Delhi I will arrive to New York City for a few more and finally back to Portland.

Bhagsu photos

perfect

In a word, that is what describes my 11 days in Rishikesh.

My experience and reaction to Rishikesh is completely different from my visit there 5 years ago. And because of this I had very little expectations other than being able to spend some time in a place that is more fresh in my experiences than other spots in India I continue to revisit year after year. An experience is a direct reflection of where a person is at in emotions and mindset. Rishikesh, in the passing years, has had only a few minor changes that has made it perfect for where I am at right now.

It combines every element of travel in India that I enjoy. Now that’s a tall order for a seasoned India traveler like me.

First of all, Rishikesh is a holy destination for Hindu pilgrims and all kinds of Indian nationals. My guesthouse was just outside the tall temple with several floors high…each story welcoming the visitors and spiritual people who continue to climb while ringing each bell to send their prayers forward. I enjoyed a chai amongst the Indian visitors while watching the families leave their shoes behind and embark on the upward climb to the top of the temple. Crossing the jhula (footbridge) I enter an area of dhabas (Indian restaurants) to enjoy thalis. Now that I can read Hindi I see so many more options of what I can order as I read the selection painted on the wall.

So here I get my India fix…the authentic interaction with the Indian people and culture.

But that’s not enough; I need to interact with other travelers as well. And Rishikesh has plenty of venues to satisfy my need for this. A day could easily be spent hopping from one riverside café for an espresso to another garden setting lounging on cushions under a shady tree watching the raft boats drift by on the Ganges…as I drink a fresh squeezed strawberry & banana juice. The setting of most of the cafes is perfect…no segregating tables. Low tables surrounded by cushions and pillows giving the environment that all here are together rather than in separated groups. This is PERFECT for meeting people! I really wish more restaurants at home would get on this tip…an environment where people can meet and there is no “them and us”…we’re altogether.

A bonus to this aspect of Rishikesh, I must add, is the amount of travelers I feel akin to…like-minded and similar style and approach to traveling. Ok, and then there’s one other thing…there are a huge percentage of them that are beautiful men. He he.

But wait, there’s more!

Rishikesh has got some of the most lovely nature walks! The Ganges flows cleanly from the mountain’s ice melt. The spring has arrived and the bright green sprouts from branches and flows bring colors spotting the landscape. Wandering just a few minutes north outside my guesthouse door, walking alongside the Ganges, I immersed in the natural forces of fresh air, monkeys, waterfalls, forests and beauty. Taking walks into the nature was revitalizing and provided moments where in my present moment, taking it all in; I had full appreciation of happiness in my present moment.

And then the icing on the cake was my guesthouse.

Also my home 5 years ago, it remained consistent as an interesting, fun and bonding place for a collection of solo travelers from around the world. None of the rooms had attached bathrooms and all rooms opened up to a courtyard where the communal bathrooms are. So when chillin outside our rooms, it felt exactly like we all shared this big house together. Everyone knew everybody there and during the down times of the day we sat together making music, making conversation and recounting our day or hopeful visions of our futures.

~ * ~

Earlier in my trip I struggled with my shyness and overanalyzing my ability to meet people and initiate conversations. Somehow, after 4 months in India this issue seems to have disappeared. The Rishikesh environment and dynamics helped usher in a smooth confidence. When I say “confidence” I don’t mean self assurance or thinking that my shit don’t stank. After a few days in Rishikesh I would leave a café and realize that my weird social anxiety is gone and my social flow is…smooth. Smooth, meaning, there is no premeditated thought, for example, thinking to myself “I will talk to those people over there because they look nice and receptive. Ok….GO!”

No…I just sat near people and just started to chat. And it was easy. And I was rewarded every time with amazing and nice and interesting people. And the longer I stayed in Rishikesh the larger my friendship circle expanded. Life like this is easy and fun and AWESOME! So now I step back and am present in my acknowledgement of this smooth social flow. But I also examine this in comparison to my life at home…and it makes me wonder. Here I am traveling with people I will most likely not see again (and if so I will see them next year for about a week or so only). These people are not intimidating to me and I realize there is no “risk” of initiating because the chance of a long term friendship is pretty small. And reflecting on how I flow in Portland, I see myself as such a social spaz… I freeze up, I clam up, I disappear and reappear and I hold a solid exterior to protect myself. So what I realize now is that I need to claim this smooth approach that I am gleaning over here in India and apply it at home.

That is my goal…to stay fresh and unaffected by intimidation and fear…and flow to the friendships that surround me in Portland. This fear of mine to protect myself from being hurt is clearly preventing the potential depth of friendships at home.

So that, my friends is my goal from this day forward: To eliminate doubt, intimidation and fear in my interactions with people…with friends.

~ * ~

It was tough to leave Rishikesh but I realized that my onward movement compels me. So here I sit in New Delhi. Today I took a taxi to the “All American Diner”, a kitschy, very authentic knock-off on an American 50’s old style diner. After 4 months in India, I cannot describe the satisfaction of having American style pancakes with real maple syrup, BACON and real coffee! Oh my, oh my! I almost did a happy dance to the Elvis playing on the jukebox. That was the perfect fix for me as I begin to focus forward a bit to my journey back to the USA in 2 weeks.

On an interesting note:

My taxi ride back from the diner to where I stay in Pahar Ganj went by police blockades, 100s of policemen in riot gear, ~20 satellite television trucks, a mass of TV cameras…and not much else. Later, over a cup of coffee, I read the paper and realized that today is the day the Olympic torch is run through New Delhi and there are massive protests planned by Tibetans who don’t endorse the Olympic Games being held in the oppressive country of China. So things could get pretty interesting later today…in fact, they are running the torch now as I type this.

But anyway I should remain free of any conflict because tomorrow I head back up to the north for one final week+ of my India trip. Part of my attention is looking forward, knowing that the ever-looming month end will bring my departure from this chapter to another fresh start in Portland. My home.

Despite this anticipation I hope to stay focused on being present, however, so I can put my energy towards my final week+ here in India, which I feel will be the cherry on the cake.

But who knows?

J

Rishikesh photos http://flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604428599785/

Yes…all 260 of them.

Oh yeah, and here are photos from last visit to New Delhi: http://flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604380629132/

one hour after i posted my last blog...

the belgians told me they decided to rent enfields and ride up into the mountains instead of a taxi to manali.
i don't feel like a motorcycle adventure right now and i was slipping from my initial interest of the trip back to vashisht.
so darjeeling it is. (leh is too freaking cold. some other time)

i just booked a ticket to bagdogra and back.
...and afterwards proceeded to look online for info on darjeeling and noticed there are strikes happening in darjeeling and sikkim. wheee! so this could be, uh, "fun".
i'm keeping my fingers crossed that my trip goes out with a fun bang and not a soggy fizzle of geeks in the NE mountains prepping for a trek.
but i'll find out soon enough... as soon as i spend another 4 nights here in rishikesh that shouldn't be a problem since i have a nice dutch neighbor who i've been chillin with since i got to rishikesh a week ago. in fact, he encouraged me to choose darjeeling for the mere fact that it's NOT what everyone else is doing...that is, the backpacker autopilot itinerary.
Wouter has traveled from china throught tibet and nepal and then 11 months in india on bicycle. yes, bicycle. how he doesn't get bit by dogs, i do not know. anyway, i am super keen on the fact that he is so adventurous.
he leaves for iran as i leave for darjeeling.

decisions decisions

so i've got 18 days until i have to be in delhi
i'm ready to scoot from rishikesh
and i've got 3 totally amazing options of what to do, all of which are appealing to me
i need to book tickets stat
i don't know what to do

1) darjeeling:
pros: never been there before, the weather is the best now in the whole year, spring has arrived there and there are flowers everywhere, buddhist vibe, different culture, gorgeouos mountain scenery, tea
cons: expensive roundtrip flight from delhi, don't know if it will be the best place to spend my last weeks and don't want to go out with a fizzle

2) leh:
pros: never been there before, buddhist vibe, different culture, gorgeous mountain scenery, flight is cheaper than to darjeeling, preseason means less tourists and more nice interaction with the villages there
cons: it is fucking cold there now (this could be a big problem as i am a WOOS in the chill), i may get altitude sickness by flying to over 3000 altitude suddenly

3) vashisht:
pros: i just met two cute young belgian men who want to share a taxi with me, the ride would be an adventure in itself, leo and ushisht are really freaking fun and cool, i've been to vashisht before so it's more of a "sure thing" that it would be a nice place to end my trip, the belgians are sorta hot
cons: i've been there before and liked it, but not liked it-liked it...so not sure if it will be an anticlimactic ending to my trip, non-stop emphasis on chillums. i don't want that to dominate the end of my trip

WHAT TO DO???

meet my other half

It’s been over three weeks since my last travel missive. I have never gone this long without writing before! I suppose I could say that it’s overdue. And I’ve thought about this for the past few weeks and pressured myself to get inspired but I didn’t feel ready. The question I have been wondering is why?

Actually there have been so many questions of “why” since Luke arrived March 15^th. My travel life delved into completely new territory by introducing a friend from home to my other life here in India. Prior to Luke arriving I had hit a slump and bumped off a groove that I adjust to flow in as I float and love and live…and I had become a bit lonely. So what more could I ask than to have not only a friend but my housemate come join me? Luke and I were acquainted in 2005 as we collaborated with many others to create one of the best Burning Man experiences I have ever had in our camp Woomb. Later he moved into my house. And in these 2+ years since our acquaintance our friendship has remained fixed at a level of loving and respectful distant friendship.

I picked him up from the airport on the evening of the 15^th and every single day since, we have spent every day, most of each 24 hour period, together. Sharing rooms, sharing taxis, sharing meals, sharing the challenges, sharing laughter, sharing the craziness of this chaotic country and sharing almost everything. Sure there were afternoons we ventured on our own to get some space, but really we were pretty much together the majority of our time since he arrived.

For me, this was a very interesting test.

I suppose I realized this was coming as I anticipated his arrival, but once in the thick of it I was brought to a new level of travel than I have ever been in.

At home I maintain this safe distance dance with friends. I’ve had a history that brought me up to stay out of the way and not cause a rift…and most importantly, not making anyone feel obligated to be my friend. I see this now because after a lifetime of dropping in and out of friends’ lives to control my exposure, suddenly I was around this friend nonstop and each step of the way he remained. ..even through my dorky moments, my bitchy moments and all the other qualities I have that I am ashamed of and successfully maneuver to be hidden from friends in my setting at home. If you can imagine, it’s like this: consider if you have a tendency to be, for example, grouchy as a result of a type of situation. You might remove yourself from said situation to prevent anyone seeing this un-fun side of yourself. That’s what I do. I can sense beforehand if I’m reaching for my bitch card and at home I can escape the situation without anyone seeing this side of me.

But that, it has become clear, doesn’t work while traveling.

Every time the ogre in me began to come out I was stuck and Luke got the opportunity to meet my bitchy other half. All the while I was completely aware of what I was doing yet unable to control my unfriendly reaction to triggers. And all the while I was feeling like shit because Luke had to endure it. And all the while I was sad because I felt my behavior was killing our friendship.

Every time I showed this secret side of me, instead of my expectation that he’d no longer want my friendship, Luke stuck around. Not only that he was forgiving and making an effort to work through our friction. And every time I was blown away that here is a person who will be my friend even after meeting my other half.

This is true friendship.

I am not concluded on this issue stopping at the incredulous feeling of unconditional friendship. I need to go beyond this, deeper. Frankly, I have got to come face to face with this side of me which I detest that comes out when in certain situations. This is not acceptable. I cannot live this life of hiding my emotions that deteriorate my possibilities or happiness. The hiding must end but even more importantly I need to battle my demons and work through my issues to rid them altogether from my experience for a more open and happy life.

I think about how I want to attract to myself a lover/partner/sweetheart who is strong and solid in emotions and spirituality. How can I have these lofty expectations for a man in my life if I cannot own these same qualities in myself? You receive what you are. I have had horribly abusive relationships and beautiful loving and trusting relationships. I see now that each of these experiences in the dance of life reflected the tune emitting from my soul during that period of my life. Yes, I create my reality.

So what is it that I want, I ask myself?

I want open, mature, loving and respectful qualities in a man who is experienced and spiritual and evolving.

This is what I need to be.

On the most part I am compatible for this life partner matching. But the hidden anger and resentment that is deep in my core needs to be set free before I can become a part of a successful and loving pairing of which I strive to be in.

~ * ~

Last night Luke took off on his own.

This is sooo good for him. Now he can test himself solo in the travel: taking the train, choosing his guesthouse, meeting new friends, seeing the sights and finding his way.

And this is really good for me.

I felt relief from not having to battle my demons through our mutual reflections. I was enabled to hide again. I felt empowered.

Yesterday I came across a description of people with a Virgo sun and a particular excerpt caught my eye. After reading it I felt free of the guilt I have every time I see myself playing my bitch card.

“In relationship, the Virgo is generous with their time, initially putting most of their attention on you and showing you what a good support they are. As time goes on they start to withdraw into their world of solitude but they feel guilty about it so they often start by finding something wrong with you until they get upset enough to withdraw only now they're justified. They are extremely sensitive to criticism though they appear to be able to dish it out quite freely, and you can be sure that when they are in the cynical, critical mode regardless of where it is aimed, they are starting to spiral into their recluse cycle. If you are strong, you can encourage it knowing that they will reward you when they return. You can ask them to do almost anything but you have to appreciate them and show it. Appreciation is like the criticism antidote. They have a propensity to feel used and discarded but they will also be sickened by too much so of affection. You have to do most of what you would like to do in a toned down way, a way that is "proper" even if you don't think it's what they want, deep down, it is!”

This passage isn’t an excuse, but it shows me some insight of some of the “why”’s that have been hitting me the past 3 weeks.

Listen, I don’t want this blog to appear as if having Luke here with me hasn’t been fun. It has been fun. I, as usual, like to process my experience and grow and this time it involved the reality of the ups and downs of relationships. Sometimes it’s all camels, turbans, music and fun. Other times there’s the stupid crap like getting irritated over trivialities.

We have had such a blast chillin in the magical hippie heaven of Pushkar. Then getting Rajasthani culture of Holi and an elephant festival in Jaipur. And, then there was Agra for the Taj Mahal. Poking fun at each other and our newfound travel buddy from Moscow, Sasha, as we each took turns ailing from “Delhi belly”. Climbing and descending ghats in Varanasi and being sure to not step in one of the never ending piles of cow poop. The best was topping off each day neutralizing our energy after a stimulating day in the life of an India traveler in our room. Lazying around, reminiscing about our day, making jokes and cringing from the blaring glow of over bright fluorescents…the lights became one of our several inside jokes as we now referred to our guesthouse room as the “KGB”.

So here I am in Delhi, on my own and getting my ducks in a row on several aspects of my dwanjabi business. It’s not a bad place to hang out for week. It’s a pretty good place to ground myself to prepare for my onward northward journey.

Delhi http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604126009859/

Pushkar http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604095045154/

Jaipur http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604354934659/

Agra http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604312663207/

Varanasi http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604355218478/