hippies and israelis

Listening to Greg Brown on my minidisk and Indian computer speakers

I sit on my balcony writing

Intermittently looking out at the mongoose couple scampering

In the crops of I’m not sure what

Nearby Indian girls create a fashion show with their saree scarves

Bright pinks, purples and green

Creating a beautiful contrast to the lush crops

Overhead flocks of white birds encircle the area

My approach to

Right here

Was a bumpy one

Departing from Jaisalmer

I revisited Jodhpur…yes, of the namesake riding pants.

Sipping chai in a charismatic café inside an old haveli in the blue city,

I found myself amongst a different breed of traveler.

Vacationers are what I call them.

These are the folks who are on a 2-week holiday.

Totally different perspectives we have…

One gave his review of Pushkar by recommending against it

because there are too many “hippies and Israelis” there.

Huh?

Strange to hear this when I sat whiling for my present location.

On my way here…

I paused in Bikaner; a non-touristy Rajasthani small city. Like other cities of this size in India it had streets filled with diverse vehicles and foot traffic. However, in Bikaner, add camels to the mix.

I visited a temple outside the city known as the rat temple. It gets the nickname due to the thousands of rats living inside. Like a bad car accident, it’s one of those things I don’t want to see but I can’t keep from looking at.

Other than the temple I spent most of my time in my hotel room because I had little energy to withstand the Indian men who would follow, surround and stare at me.

24 hours of train and bus travel later, I finally arrived…

to another location filled with

Hippies and Israelis

Halleluia, I had arrived to Dharamsala.

My ego tells me I should be an adventurous traveler

taking risks

and taking roads less traveled.

But ego aside

The truth is that I am so relieved and happy to return here

It’s like a home to me.

Right now it *is* home

I ended my previous trip to India with a month stay here. The familiarity, conveniences, amazing people and beautiful nature

Welcome me

Relax me

Nurture me

The night I arrived it was late and somehow, despite the dark and being weary from the trip I managed to find the most perfect guesthouse. Like Pushkar, it’s filled with travelers from a variety of countries. For my first time traveling this trip I am developing a wonderful friendship with other women. These two also travel alone and both are from Poland.

But before we were acquainted I had my first evening alone with a delicious Italian meal and a large cold Indian beer…then email

…and there it was

an email from Silver

sent within the hour about how he had also just arrived to Dharamsala.

I was so excited to hear from him

and also hear that he is here also.

But fear took over

My insecurity began to win the battle

I was afraid that he wouldn’t like me now

Even though it’s still so fresh

And we’re mostly the same

And even though I got an email telling me he waits for me

I am afraid.

The past two days

subconsciously I was putting off seeing him

To avoid the pain

of my manifested rejection

If any of you were here you would shake me and ask me

What the hell?

Come on!

Go meet him!

And I remind myself of the rock

That I hold strong

…And I feigned a throw

Today we met

And I tell you the beauty is heightened

And there is magic

Oh my

You could knock me over with a feather

Sigh

*

!

When I think I’ve reached my peak

of this trip

and can’t imagine getting higher

I continue to climb

Looking out from the large balcony

I see the soaring falcons

And I also feel so high

And free

I sit alone in my today

And I cry

Because I can’t believe that I can deserve

this beauty that touches me

photos of Jodhpur

photos of Bikaner

photos of Dharamsala

It rains and pours in the India desert

Pushkar was such a strong and full collection of experiences. After several attempts to leave, i did so after two weeks. I made a realization that it makes no difference whether i have been to a place several times before or if it has newness in whether there is magic to be found.

After Silver left Pushkar i assumed that the chapter had closed and followed accordingly by packing my bag. The charm and persuasion of Jonh & Filter who work at my cozy guesthouse oasis thwarted my departure...and did so two times more until i was finally able to leave to flow with the cycle i have existed in.

at one moment i am filled with joy i am unaccustomed to. this dynamic one where i feel completely comfortable of who i am and those around me. our relationships nourish me and part of that is the mutual exchange of fun, support and growth that we share together.

Yet when the bag is packed and i step across the threshold of the bus steps or train doorway, i am entering a new reality...

i awake in the morning and i have arrived to a new land...

looking into the faces in a sea of strangers.

in one journey

in one night

i have chiseled the wonderful peak down to the bare basics.

to begin the ascent again.

here i sit

atop the majestic centuries old fort in Jaisalmer

the golden city

each building in the hue of brilliant yellow

creating a sea of gold

now that the sun sets, splashing down a rosy hue upon the landscape,

i ponder another day's passing

and where i am now

and where i have been

and where i am going

this part of the cycle masquerades as a lonely time

but unmasked it is the grounding i need

a time for contemplation

i wondered why i am not enjoying this stint in Jaisalmer when it was a highlight of my first India experience 4 years ago. so much has changed, this conclusion is simple. but who and what has changed? The place is the same so the finger points to me.

Do i have expectations that are unmet?

a level compared to the magic from four years ago?

or perhaps i am distracted by upcoming destinations that are shining brighter than this golden city...

i reflected on my experiences thus far in this trip and it is hard to imagine my reality of one and a half months ago when i sat on a beach in Goa stopping a passing woman dressed in a saree with a basket of fruit atop her head...her graceful saunter pausing to sell me a freshly cut pineapple.

was that real?

i have about 25 rolls of undeveloped film that will prove it was true.

that memory was from two months ago.

i have a similar response to memories from two days ago.

was it real when i sat in Pushkar sipping chai with two amazing friends?

when one more was added to our group in the form of an adorable 5 year old indian boy.

we couldn't resist spinning him around and throwing him in the air due to his incomprehensible pleading in Hindi for more...

the shifts in life

transporting to new arenas and dynamics

each choice

each turn

delivers

here i am now

what would have happened if i went to Bundi instead of changing my mind at the last minute to go to Jaisalmer?

or if i had accepted the invitation to join a group of Israelis to Udaipur?

Each one seems to be such a minor decision

but ultimately crucial in my overall destiny

i am awed by how intuitively tuned in many of the indian people are who i meet. Jonh, for example, from my Pushkar guesthouse, had an uncanny knack for predicting things in advance. One example was when he replied to my first announcement of my next day's departure by saying "no, i think you won't leave. you will be here one week more. i also think you will come back again...maybe next year."

i chuckled with amusement at the time but now i look back

and he was right.

a lot of my staying extra time had to do with the two English dreadlocked hippies who checked in the next day. Youthfully spirited and engaging i was able to let a few more days pass without thought.

still glowing from my romance with Silver, i was caught by surprise to find my friendship with Marc grow into a very sweet romance. He's off to Goa now as I head northward.

These romances that grace my journey have been so full

...condensing what at home would normally transpire over weeks

into a string of days.

My heart is full and i am so touched by these relationships. The kind which I have not had for years.

yes, years.

Since David and my relationship ended in India in 2001 i have not had any relationships that i would qualify as substantial or mutual.

...the substantial lapse of time, however, had left me questioning my worth.

instead i chose to question the dynamic in which i existed.

i shook things up and chose to follow my happiness.

...and here it is in india

...and my heart is full and overflowing

...in an Indian desert where it rains and pours

which makes me wonder if it is possible for this lightning to strike again?

i know it will

i want to shed tears for what i have found in each love here

the physical beauty, the inner adonis, the exchange of trust, peeling to our core, elimination of masks, teaching and learning from one another, caring

selfless caring

and more. much much more

until now i have hazy memory of a soul connection that meets the several i continue to have here in india.

now i question my life at home

and i have drawn a conclusion

seemingly rash

but, to me, so clear

i am not destined to be with an American man.

to be honest i have had no love for an American man since 2001.

What i HAVE had was the falling in love with a fantasy of having a relationship.

a normal life at home

the rooted american life

married by 30 and kids on the horizon

or loving the other more

...a pedestal

but love

for me

love is only REAL when there is mutual trust

this trust giving freedom

NO PEDESTALS

equal reverence

and appreciation

and giving and taking

this is my reality right now

but things will change

as all things do

photos of Pushkar

photos of Jaisalmer

Small cube shaped stone

Since I left New Delhi I have landed

and rooted myself

Attaining a state of being

of which seems unmatched elsewhere

I’m in Pushkar

The longer I stay

The deeper I go

To a place where I am not conscious of what’s outside

Even beyond the walls

around the corner

beyond doorways

My fuel is chai, street food, stimulation, friendships and love

Sitting on a plastic stool at a chai shop in the street

Watching the world go by

Sipping chai for hours

Hours? What is time here?

My room

My home

Includes high arches and coved shelves

Fully unpacked

Flowers and breezes

Rays of sun shining through ornate vents

This amazing space I live in is on the roof of my guesthouse. The roof a chillout space with its center an enormous Neem tree

Living and growing

Extending its healing branches

Providing shade

A resting spot for flocks of green parrots and an occasional monkey

Strong limbs supporting a lazy sun bleached hammock

The travelers here are like family…

Individual wanderings by day

But all come together at night…

Sharing chillums and friendship and stories and silence.

In the day in the sunshine we do our laundry by hand in buckets until there is the damp fluttering of sarongs on the line above.

The Holi festival fell during my stay here. This is a celebration similar to the vernal equinox, the coming of Spring and warm weather. However, here enthusiasm is evident with bright colored powder and paint sprayed though the air. The dark side of the festivity is the licentious groping and fondling of any women outdoors…and just the right lure for any curious female traveler.

Like me

With 3 Australians, two of which are male for our bodyguard companionship, I ventured into the mayhem. Arriving to the main square in Pushkar we were ecstatic to find a trance party with massive speakers, pink and purple everywhere and hundreds of bold and roaming hands. Assuming a funky kung fu type dance, I was able to stay and boogie…

amidst the cloud of color and people from all over the world dancing together…all with the same purple skin color

Solidarity

(except for the damned groping)

3 days afterwards I am free of all traces of the dark pink that coated my body.

Except my hair. I have vibrant fuscia above my forehead where a streak of blonde had been.

I’ve been having a difficult time getting motivated to write what I’ve been up to. My experiences are those not easily explained with a description of architecture, landscapes, people and itineraries. The opening I am undergoing is going deep and to attempt to put it in writing won’t capture the

acceptance, confidence, humility, family, gatherings,

sparks, magic, lust, love,

pushing my limits,

turning the tables,

seizing opportunities

melting

Yes, melting

I have met the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on

Spoken with

Shared beauty with

…

He’s an Israeli named Silver and he has dread locks down his back, dark skin and green silvery eyes. If that’s not amazing enough he is traveling in India on his Enfield motorcycle.

He left this morning…going north.

I am going there as well

But on a different time/experience frame

If we are parallel in reuniting

Well…

It gives me butterflies

When I arrived to Pushkar I visited a man who a friend I met in Bodhgaya advised me to see. A magical timing…I knocked on his door and he sat inside fully packed and waiting...

I sat with him for an hour and we spoke about possibilities and religion. Ultimately I brought up the depressing Indian past life reading I received in Varanasi. The man validated any cynicism of my fixed future reading.

I don’t know what to believe but I can identify light

and his words were shining.

As I departed we engaged in a figurative exchange

I asked him what I should do to protect myself from the mean dogs outside of his guesthouse.

He handed me a small cube shaped stone and told me to hold it in my hand.

If the dogs approach I am to be strong and feign a throw

Hold the stone

photos of Pushkar

The fog has lifted

Well, now that I am in New Delhi, safe and sound, I see clearly that I was not meant to be in Nepal. As soon as I landed I felt a peace wash over me. I can’t explain it other than the energy of this country resonates with me…despite Nepal being a cleaner and “easier” place to travel.

I decided to go directly from the airport to a clinic to have myself checked out. It was day 6 of the misery of flu symptoms and I was ready to alleviate all my fears of having contracted chicken flu, typhoid fever, malaria or pneumonia. Upon arrival to the hospital I noticed there was some cancer conference going on and since I didn’t see my condition as an emergency I wandered directly into the thick of it. I felt like a real ass…a white chick walking around weakly with a backpack on me the size of a small child. The admittance desk looked puzzled and asked what I wanted. I had to explain that I was sick and needed a doctor. He continued to look confused and at this point I was about to cry because I felt really helpless.

Eventually I was whisked to the emergency room where I went through the same baffled inquisition. Eventually I was told the same dang thing the pharmacist in Nepal told me. 200 rupees later (~$4) I departed with a list of items to purchase at the pharmacy and climbed into another taxi.

The taxi, by the way, was more expensive than my emergency room check up.

Not too inspired to pump myself up with western medicines, since I’ve had success thus far with the widely and cheaply available ayurvedics, I postponed taking any drugs. However, this morning on my stroll to make a train reservation for my next destination I found myself blending right into the local masses by hacking up big fat loogies and spitting them with deft so as not to hit others walking nearby. Plus I was still quite weak and it was a big effort just to get down the street to the railway reservation office.

400 rupees later, an antibiotic, expectorant (uh, like I need this?), a pain reliever and an anti-allergen later I have mustered the energy to get out and give y’all an update. Perhaps I may actually take in some solid food? Thankfully there is fresh squeezed juice readily available everywhere here but the way my pants are sagging I think it’d be a good idea to eat some real food. Another motivation to get out may be the really crap English programming available in my hotel room TV. (if you tell me you think “Joe vs. the Volcano” is good entertainment, well…uh…you’re crazy. And, yes, I watched the entire thing including commercials).

Some of you may have heard about the recent explosions in Varanasi.

Wow

It has me a bit spooked for sure…

For one reason because I arrived via the train station that was one bombing location…and I actually visited that temple that was the other. The temple is NOT a tourist attraction but I chose to go because there are lots of monkeys running around that would be cute to look at and photograph. …and then there was also the cute Swede, Ulf, who asked if I wanted to join him to check it out. Anyway…

There are a total of 20 fatalities thus far and I am curious as to how many monkeys were injured??

Appreciative of the concerns, I stay on my toes and am wary for my security

while having fun and continuing my journey.

I’m off tonight

I am so uplifted

The fever has broke

My energy returning

My gloom from the past week seems unreal

How could I have been that low?

I feel so far from that now

The future is so bright

And

Just so you know

There is always that upswing around the bend

G l o w

p.s. here is my horoscope for today:

virgo march 8

Though you may have been feeling less than yourself for the past few days, Meredith, today it may seem as if you're finally getting your energy back. For the first time in a while you may feel like going for a run, a bike, or a workout. Take advantage of it! The more you exercise, the more energy you have, so this could be the beginning of a whole new cycle of physical development.

Nepal plateau

Varanasi is only a 40 minute flight from Kathmandu. I couldn't pass up the opportunity to revisit what I consider to be my first experience with foreign travel 4 ½ years ago. Arriving to Nepal in 2001, not only was I taking in this new land and culture, I was also a different person.

The people and the amazing beauty of the landscape lured me back as well…it was an opportunity just a stone's throw away that I didn't want to pass up. While I was in Varanasi I was surrounded by any backpackers who spoke of treks they planned to take in Nepal. I also caught the bug and started to scrap my previous plans for March and instead embark on a solo Himalayan trek.

Nepal has endured a decade or more of political strife with Maoists. In fact, in the past months, the US released a foreign travel advisory indicating Nepal as unsafe for travel. Speaking to other travelers about the situation, I realized it was the same song and dance as when I was here last time. I proceeded on my flight northward. The taxi drove me from the airport past several posted armored military vehicles surrounded by Nepalis in fatigues and clutching large rifles. This was a site far more dramatic than I had recalled from my last visit.

Settling into my hotel room, I relished my comfy digs especially since, in addition to the trekking bug, I had contracted some other bug upon arrival to Nepal. While traveling in Asia I occasionally get "abdominal unrest" that lasts 1-2 days. This time I had a cough and cold that I assumed would have a similar short affect. Carrying on with my stay in Kathmandu, I spent my days researching trek itineraries, for what length of duration and which ones would be safest for doing alone.

In addition I spent several hours each day wandering around the old town and visiting Buddhist stupas. These were surrounded by thousands of exiled Tibetans who have claimed Nepal as their temporary home.

The bustling streets of old Kathmandu have several hidden gems. Every so often I passed tiny ornate doors with passageways leading to courtyards…town squares housing Buddhist stupas or Hindu temples, surrounded by the homes of those who spend their hours doing laundry,

playing games and relaxing in this bit of peace mere feet and a doorway from the frenzy of the street outside.

The US travel warning and the rifle-clad military men on every corner didn't give me much alarm. What kept me on my toes with fear however, were the young village pranksters armed with small plastic bag water bombs. It's funny to me that I have distant fascination with military men, but when I hear the splat of the water bomb that just missed me by inches my heart races.

By day 3 here, I realized that not only was my cold hanging tough, I was repeatedly asking myself "what the hell am I doing here?"

I do love Nepal and then opportunity to do another trek here is very appealing…but at this time in my life I am feeling a great deal of disconnect. I scrapped any plans of trekking altogether and reserved my open return ticket to India…while leaving a few extra days for sightseeing.

Unfortunately my health became debilitated and I suspected that this wasn't an ordinary cold. Having been sick while traveling before I know how being holed up in my room feeling awful coincides with homesickness. Lying in my bed for hours I began to have fantasies of having contracted the avian flu and dying. In addition, the Indian astrologer's forecast for my somewhat dismal future revisited my thoughts and I began to have the worst night of my journey thus far; feeling no hope and completely alone.

For some reason I have had no interaction with other people since arriving to Nepal. Nor do I seek it. I realize that I am smack dab in the middle of my journey and I am withdrawing in every way possible.

My return to India seems to be the light to pick me up again.

…and strangely so, because Nepal is cleaner (the streets are free of roaming animals and garbage), the people friendly and gentle and their business savvy is far more sophisticated than India.

Yet I yen for India.

I researched my symptoms online and it appears that I have a flu with possibility of slight pneumonia. If this persists I will visit a doctor in New Delhi. I am diligently trying to attain recovery and have followed the advice on the internet of drinking fluids (soups & juices) and bed rest. I've spent the past 24 hours in bed sleeping.

my photos of Nepal

Shiva statuette

An inability to grasp navigation

through a web of narrow alleyways

stimulating the senses

The sights colorful and frenzied with movement

in a range of rapid and stifling paces

People sitting in cubbyholes packed full of items for our every need…

Soap, sweets, thali, silk shawls, sarees, etc.

Massive cows stopping to gnaw on piles of garbage

oblivious that they fill 2/3 of the passageway…causing traffic jams

The sounds various and sweet

jingling bells of the cycle rickshaws

jockeying for the best lane of traffic.

Lane? What lane? Into the masses

the chaos that has a system beyond the western comprehension

Chanting, singing, music blasting from broken speakers

“Namaste, madame! Where you go?”

“you want boat?”

The light at the end of the tunnel comes to me at the top a tall set of stairs

the ghat

Descending into the bright sun toward the conduit of transformation

The Ganges

Holy mother Ganga

The power in the water

constantly flowing

taking with it impurities

old ways

blockages

Leaving in its wrath

possibilities

forward movement

cleansing

Varanasi is one of the more powerful places I have traveled to.

The Ganges is a river that beckons those who seek transformation.

Drinking the water

Swimming

Bathing

Blessing a wedding…or a newborn baby

Cremation of those who have passed

Drifting upon the calm current

…ones who embrace a puja here leave behind blockages.

The longer I stay the more it transforms me

As soon as I feel that I know my way

I am lost

As soon as I feel that I have seen all there is to see

I make discoveries

As soon as I have a network of friends

Our paths shift

As soon as I need space

I am grounded

As soon as I am lonely

I am surrounded by friends

As soon as I feel insecure and ugly

A mirror appears with a reflection of

beauty

The cycles of the moon at this time have ushered incredible shifts of forward movement and progress toward potential.

Coinciding all at once have been the Hindu celebration of Shivaratri, the new moon in Pisces and my own personal moon cycle.

Emotions and sensitivity have been heightened

I have awareness of my personal barriers. It is my own insecurities that thwart the possibilities of my desires and the needs of which I have no knowledge.

I threw these insecurities into the temple flames on the playa. From there I have begun the battle.

It is now that I face these insecurities and challenge them.

I will have comfort in the moment

Knowing that what I need will be

Present

In the present

I can’t know what I need

And it is when I understand this unknown

I am free

I have enjoyed so much the friendships made in Varanasi. The connections to the other travelers, those blessed to call this city their home and the zoo of animals that roam freely in the alleys and ghats.

I love you cows, baby goats, the 7 adult geese who spend every moment vigilantly watching over a single chick, the monkeys who use the tall buildings as their vertical playground, the saddhus, the children, the people…

I visited an Indian astrologer who gave me a reading of my present life and my past life. I recorded it on a minidisk so I can revisit the words later.

My greatest heartbreak I have carried consistently through my adult life was clearly explained to me by the behavior of my past life. The karma of this past self is facing the music now. The reading was incredibly eye opening and I would be happy to share some details but do not feel comfortable doing so on this wide forum of communication.

Here’s one tidbit though…and this is for you, Mom:

I will have one child only and this baby will come in 2-3 years.

Hmmm

?

Countless times I have been told how brave it is for me to travel how I do

and where I go

I hear of fear, disinterest and insecurity in venturing abroad.

I would like to show you the other side of the coin.

I feel completely at home in my foreign wanderings. But the fears that I have are ones that I see most who I know and love conquering regularly

with ease

and little hesitation.

My fear is relationships

There it is

So while I, a single female, wander alone in dark alleys across the globe, hearing only foreign languages and new stimulation

You develop and nurture friendships

And love

And family

That last beyond a week.

The other side of the coin

Fears

Insecurities

Barriers

A stone statuette of Shiva now sits beside the tiny crystals I brought with me from Portland: clear crystals carrying the shine from my life at home.

In this time of the Pisces moon…the emotional destroyer of barriers

The Shivaratri…celebration of transformation

I embrace my possibilities.

Last night I placed a wreath of red flowers around the mirror behind my altar.

Red flowers I had presumed to be dead.

I awoke this morning

Looking into the mirror

Surrounded by open vibrant blossoms

my photos of Varanasi