sticking around for the flow

My first two weeks in Arambol were spent finding my flow. In what felt like disconnected moments, I thought to myself…”hmm, perhaps Arambol isn’t the place for me”. I found excuses for why it isn’t for me like “this isn’t *real* India” or “it’s so touristy here”, etc. Now, as I look back at my trends in travel and in life, I realize I make excuses and tend to hit the road impatiently…as if my evacuation of opportunity will provide me with a flow elsewhere. But then the cycle perpetuates as I continue to flee.

There were some true blessings in my first two weeks…

Companionship availed itself as I floundered a bit. Sasha, my Russian travel mate from last season, showed up to Goa one day after me and our familiarity was a sweet home base of friendship. Shortly after he arrived, Morgan, a friend I camped with at Burning Man in 2007, arrived for a week with his girlfriend Monika. We all shared space at one great guesthouse…more accurately a collection of huts and rooms located just on the edge of the palm grove preceding the sandy beach of the Arabian Sea. Familiar connections from home didn’t stop there. Max, a friend from Portland, came out for a brief vacation from his intensive yoga course 30 minutes away.

I have always felt like I’m alone and the only one over here in India. In the past couple years there have been a few blips here and there. But this year starting off with these three and then also having Michaela (another friend from the west coast tribe) here as well I’m seeing a blurring of my circles and worlds occurring.

My days begin with alone time on my balcony of my room, which I love so much. Then off to coffee and chai hopping at various places around Arambol. What comes with is meeting many different people who hold different perspectives, histories and cultures. Sipping my chai while basking in these various reflections…all the while creating familiar faces that become acquaintances and ultimately friendships.

Once the day’s heat dissipates (around 2:30 or 3) I head out to the beach to bask in the glorious sunshine, while sitting at the edge of the lapping waves watching the passersby or enjoying music or performances of the creative community which dwells here in Arambol. Sunset arrives bringing contemplation of the day that has passed and the culmination of all people comes forth to the sand to sing, create and commune in the rosy glow as we watch the sun greet the sea.

The nightlife here offers a variety of options ranging from techno or trance parties, Indian fusion live bands or a simple beer or two with friends at Arcan Bar.

What I have struggled with both in travel and now I realize at home in Portland as well, is that my self-doubt and impatience keeps me on the run. Without settling in and giving some time, love and energy, how can I achieve what I am looking for? Deep connections and friendships do not happen so quickly. I feel so challenged by making a commitment anymore. So to stay in one place and let the atmosphere, people and experiences sink in makes me feel antsy…or more accurately: afraid. I realize I cannot continue being the bug on the pond skipping around on the surface and never going deep due to the constant movement.

Despite this restlessness/fear I have stuck around Arambol.

In fact, when I first arrived I committed to 3 weeks here so I could bring my room rate down. And that was so freaky for me. I was like, “woah, you mean I don’t have the freedom to bolt at a moment’s notice??” Normally I stay at my favorite spots in India for several weeks…but do so collectively, coming and going at a week or two at a time and returning. But the thought of sitting in one place for the duration has been overwhelming for me.

After two weeks, Sasha, Max and Morgan left the scene giving me that clean break from familiarity to be nudged out of my nest and fly. And all of a sudden I was in my FLOW. It was so sudden and abundant. I felt like crying from the blessings.

It began one day when a friend I have known here for several seasons who knows I love to take photos suggested I shoot promotional shots for a woman who is a fire dancer. I decided I needed a creative outlet and spent an afternoon with Miriam taking many shots amongst the rocks in my favorite spot in Arambol. It was as if this outing with Miriam broke a spell and suddenly my spirit clicked with the offerings around me. Friendships have blossomed and become loving and abundant and I feel a part instead of as a floating fly on the wall.

In this third week I have found my joy and see beauty everywhere around me. I am connecting with my tribe here, of whom, up until now I have been a spectator from the outside. But now we trade music and celebrate together in intimate environments of a collection of our tribe with my favorite music being played. This is so so sweet especially because music is so important to me and techno and trance just doesn’t cut it. In addition I am making connections I will have outside of the beautiful bubble of Arambol and onward.

Today I have made a decision to stay here for 2+ weeks more. First I had to drop my ego stance of having to keep moving and seeing as many places as possible. Now I will stay put and I can only anticipate the friendships will go deeper.

In the past year, both in India and in Portland, I have had several personality readings (of a variety types) where the message has been consistent and clear: This is the year I have to do some serious WORK on myself. If I want change and I want the deep relationships I desire I need to act NOW. I have been aware of this and thus far haven’t followed through. Now an opportunity has opened up with perfect timing and logistics. Tomorrow I begin a two week Great Freedom workshop where I will undergo some very deep analysis of myself with the goal of shifting my perspectives. Life at home is so abundant and wonderful yet I don’t always SEE it. Happiness and beauty is in the eye and heart and mind of each individual. I am looking forward to having the tools to apply this to my life at home.

The workshop begins tomorrow and will encompass every day from 10:30-6pm which makes me hesitant because the sun loving on the beach and the chai hopping will cease. However, it is MUCH more important to do this work and clear out the cobwebs and make clean my love of life and all its offerings.

And anyway, I can still boogie down at night :D

Photos thus far http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157612513700548/

My travel has begun

Pardon the mainstream comparison, but my journey began much like an episode of The Amazing Race. Without having left the Pacific Northwest I already understood that I was up for some challenges. Europe, and in particular France, was having a cold snap and was covered with ice and snow. My flight to Paris was delayed 3 hours and I only had an hour connection to continue to Mumbai. I was in a long queue of people making audibly loud sighs of frustration and instead of taking on this reaction for myself, since I had absolutely no control over the situation, I realized the unplanned flow that thrusts itself upon my travels had already begun.

But dammit, I was still going to try to make it work. My first flight arrived quickly to Paris and somehow gave me 10 minutes to get from one terminal on a shuttle to the gate of my next departure. I was literally running, my shoe broke and I wasn’t exactly sure where to go…and then just as I could see the light at the end of this snafu…there was an additional security check. AARGH! Reaching the gate finally, the doors were shut with the blinking sign “boarding closed”. The Hyderabadi woman who was just trailing me during this Amazing Race scenario arrived behind me at the customer service counter and after an initial feeling of defeat we high-fived each other. Because now we have a full 24 hours in Paris…plenty of time for croissants and wine. Sweet.

With a voucher for free accommodation, meals and wine in hand I walked through terminal and beamed alongside the sunny skies appearing through the terminal windows. How would I spend my full day I now have for sightseeing Paris!?

Then I walked outside of the terminal to the shuttle stop welcomed by a frigid breeze. Oh man oh man, it was freaking COLD. And all I had was clothing appropriate for India. So no Eiffel tower…no shopping in boutiques or sitting in a sidewalk café. Nope. It was straight to the hotel and get warm. And for that matter, get a nap…I hadn’t slept in what seemed like 2 days. Anyway, it was a cool thing to have happened. So what if I arrive to India one day later than I had expected? I was well rested and fed…and I got to experience “gay Paris” even if only through the venue of a suburban airport area hotel filled with other stranded travelers.

* * * * *

On my first sunset in Arambol I accepted the happiness, contentment and my relaxed state without guilt.

But wondered out loud how can a person deserve to feel so free and alive and happy?

The discontentment I get every year that slowly and imperceptibly accrues through my summer and autumn…and culminates at the holidays is gone.

I realize that I have issues with the holidays. I understand the best way to gain healing is to face a trigger situation head on. So I decided to stick around my home turf this season to see how I’d fare. Christmas is a time of family and gathering and reflecting on family. New Years Eve is the one where reflection lays upon the state of relationships overall…particularly with significant others. And that’s because of that stupid question of who you’re going to kiss at midnight. What ultimately turned out to be the biggest challenge of the reflections I faced was over New Years. Beyond the holidays though, the past month has been a chaotic swirl of emotions. Adding to my mix was my preparations for my winter overseas. I don’t mean what to pack and how to leave the details of my life…but more so the emotional preparation for my transition from my life in the USA to my winter in India. What this represents is putting lovely connections at home on hold from deepening friendships to a temporary status over the winter of occasional emails and me reminiscing fondly to myself over a chai and a sunset. And then the cherry on top is the unknown of what lays ahead in my journey that is adding into the mix some fear.

And, as usual, the moment I arrive I *know*…FEEL immediately that this is right. This life here offers a gift of relief from the depression I experience in my life in the USA. Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing life at home. But there are societal expectations at home that are latent yet I am sensitive to. …and for some stupid reason I not only accept them but I let them dominate and restrict my impulses.

There’s something about how I feel at home that keeps a little voice alive that keeps this swirling this list of LIES in my conscious:

• Work work work…if not working and making money I do not deserve to be happy and stress free
  
• My professional success should be in the forefront of most life priorities
  
• Look at the state of our government and economy, it is horrible so I should generate negative energy into the situation
  
• I need to have the latest technology, phone and gadgets
• Relying on online networking will create and develop relationships better than ever before
  
• A person my age should be married with children
• It is unsafe to travel
• My lifestyle and choices are preventing me from what I desire
• ...etc etc etc

and so I question my path.

I am the same person in India as I am the USA.

Yet I do not have the same questioning of my life when I am in India.

When people at home ask me what it is that I “do” when I am India…

doing nothing but unraveling the affects and expectations of a stressful culture

Sasha arrived from Moscow two days after me and as soon as he got here we walked out to the beach and watch the sunset filled with people playing music, playing in the sand, spinning staff/poi/hula hoops, doing tai chi and slowly sauntering down the length of the rose colored beach…

and with tongue in cheek we said, “look at all the lazy people”

…all the happy, content and free people