touching down and hitting the ground

If you want to avoid a celebration of Christmas…of any kind, then I recommend taking a flight around the world beginning on Christmas Eve. My intention was not to escape Christmas altogether but when my in-flight dinner of spaghetti came in the foil topped rectangular 3x5 dish, I wasn’t exactly humming the tune of "O Tannenbaum".

Christmas aside, my flights went without a hitch. One and a half days after I departed Portland I arrived to Anjuna Beach, Goa, India; probably the touristiest place in the entire country.
If you’ve ever been to New Orleans for Mardi Gras or Germany for Oktoberfest, you can imagine the housing predicament I was facing upon arrival: no advance reservations and Goa is FULL. After a few hours of soaking in the beautiful sunshine and wading through the ocean waves I headed out on foot and began my search for a place to call home.

My jetlag (there is a 12 ½ hour time difference) and having only 2 ½ hours of sleep in two days made me really look forward to opening my bags, settling in and getting some undisturbed sleep. When inquiring around about room availability, every person I spoke to said I would never find a room for less than 1500 rupees (~$38/night). However I would not settle and continued with my standard backpacker accommodation criteria:
1) clean and working bathroom
2) host family lives on the property
3) other backpackers are also staying there
4) overhead fan in room
5) relaxing outside sitting area

Despite the naysayers, I set my mind to finding this visualized space. After a couple of hours of wandering and meeting interesting people along the way, I DID find this room and it was just as I had visualized. Not only that, incredibly it was offered to me at the rate I normally pay even in low season locales.

At Omkar Guest House, my new digs, there is a peaceful landscaped courtyard (of which the lawn is mowed by a man squatting and using scissor blades to cut the grass manually) surrounded by lots of shade providing trees, from which the host family inexplicably hangs old shoes and garden hoses. I have to guess that the shoe-hose look is intentional because every other grooming aspect of the grounds is impeccably manicured.
My next door neighbor is Ben from Manchester, England. It’s been nice to have a pal at home base when decompressing from the stimulation beyond the gates of Omkar Guest House.

I mentioned earlier that this is the peak season in Goa…well it is FULL ON. Every restaurant, beach shack and party is filled with people from around the world. It is, at the very least, some of the best people watching I’ve ever seen. I like to try and guess what country people come from based on their clothes, skin and body language…even before I hear them speak (which is usually the give-away clue.)

So far since I’ve been here I’ve spent every day on the beach and every night at 9 Bar, which is an open air Goa Psy-trance club on the cliff overlooking the waves and the sun setting into the Indian Ocean. I have also visited one of many markets so I could begin to get a feel for what kinds of goods are available this season.

I am really pleased with all the fun stuff and beautiful clothing!
As with fashions everywhere the clothing and accessories available evolve and reflect the change in how we want to extend ourselves through our clothing. Since the majority of the clothing available in Goa is representative of the rave and party culture, I can best make an analogy through the fashions of the Burning Man festival. When I first attended Burning Man in 2001 I noticed lots of black light neon colors. The timing of that first trip to the playa is now correlating with what I am noticing in Goa fashion trends. On my first trip to Goa, also in 2001, I was overwhelmed with clothes with a style priority of utilizing a black light affect at parties.
Thankfully, I am seeing a resurgence of much more availability of earth tones fashioned in a tribal yet modern style. These clothes, often characterized with utilitarian zippers and pockets, suit the style I like in that they are practical and stylish without creating a spectacle.

In the Anjuna/Vagator/Chapora “triplex area” (as I like to call it), to reach markets where clothes like this are available transportation is necessary. Everything is spread out throughout the surrounds. On only my second day here I decided to hire my own motorbike instead of having to rely on taxis or walking alone in the dark at night. Dismissing the need to recuperate from jetlag and lack of sleep I proceeded with plans I’ve had for two months to see live concert by the MIDIval Pundits and DJ Cheb i Sabbah. Despite feeling completely “knackered” (as the Brits say) I felt obligated to get out to see this show.

In the dark I warily drove my bike up sandy pathways to pick up a friend on the way. Feeling really disoriented and a bit sketched out, I took a turn that I realized too late was actually a private driveway and I was halted by a dead-end with a house at the end. From the front porch I noticed silhouettes of 5 different dogs standing up in bristled attention. I immediately froze and my fear of dogs surfaced…and of course the dogs sensed it so they barked and ran straight at me. I freaked! …I accelerated while trying to make a 180 in a narrow dark alley
And wiped out…
A group of nearby Russians came over to the sounds of the crash and with minimal English helped me to my feet and back on the bike.
I smashed the face plate and a turn signal light and I have scratches up my arms. Despite the blood, bruises and cuts all I could think about is how the man who I rented the bike from will react…and also wondering:
How can I keep myself from feeling tormenting by the dogs of India?

I’ve never expounded on my fear of the dogs in ALL of SE Asia and now I’d like to drop some doggie doo on your lawn: THE DOGS HERE SUCK. They are mutts who, by day, have the shit beat out of them by the locals and by night, roam freely in packs ready to attack. The Indian dogs, above every other “challenge” that comes in traveling, are my greatest nemesis. They lie quietly with their sandy dirt stained, scarred fur that blends in with the grass. I never notice them there until I am already close up to them
…which fills me with fear
…that they immediately sense
…they bark and approach
And I just want to run away as far as possible.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I often feel, when wandering around, that I’m walking in a minefield and keep an eye out for the dogs wherever I go.
By the way, I left out one of my criteria in looking for a guesthouse:
6) no mean dogs nearby

New Years Eve is right around the corner and the energy in Goa is building hour by hour.
Look forward in the next dwanjabi blog for a more descriptive profile of the Goa party culture that influences the funky fashions.
…and also how I make it through the most full-power parties of the year in Goa, India.

to see the photos from this missive, visit http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157594449506296/

Looking back and bringing forward as my present

So here it is, six days until I will be in one of several queues at Portland International Airport.
I’ll be checking in with the airlines as I check in with myself and my flurry of emotions as I prepare for over 4 months of travel in the country I consider my second home: India.

This is my fourth time to embark on an extended journey overseas, and while in many ways I am totally comfortable with most of the logistics and miscellany of putting together a trip I am far from resilient of the anxiety and intensified emotions that come before each voyage. Part of this is because I sometimes let the norms of our society question me living a life where I diffuse my energy between two continents, cultures and friendships.

Another aspect of my emotions is because this trip, unlike the other 3, is my embarkation into creating a business with my travels. I have decided to take my love of creating my own fashions with items available in India into an import business: Dwanjabi. But this import endeavor will take you deeper than just providing merchandise…you will feel connected.

I notice imports, a dime a dozen, in markets and various shops. As beautiful and intriguing as all these items are, there is a limit to the bond you can have to them without knowing more about the cultures and people behind the creation of such items. This connection with fresh and unfamiliar styles is so much of the magic that allures travelers to foreign lands. The items I will have available each have a story. A tale to connect you to whatever it is that allured you…whether the initiation of your interest is the item itself or the story behind it.

A huge part of my process in travel is connecting with the people I meet, whether the locals or backpackers from around the world. Writing and photography are an amazing source for me to process the incredible characters and cultures I come across. My interpretations will expand the experience while profiling the items I will have for sale.

There are so many amazing, beautiful and colorful items that I find while on my journeys…of which I rarely, if ever, see here on my home shores. I don’t want to keep them all to myself so now I will be bringing them back to share.

In the meantime, I will be adding to this blog and photography on an (irregular) weekly basis. You are invited to join me cybernetically.



Looking back and bringing forward
contemplation of the
experiences and memories
That have created who I am
now
What I love to do
The knowledge of the “how”
Knowing how to do the things that bring me joy
And having it come naturally

I know that I am finally honoring my true path
And this has become clear as everything falls into place
The gray areas have cleared and I have faith that more of the unknowns will unfold in ways that are meant to be
There are struggles that I see not as barriers but aspects of my evolving into who I am
There are blessings in every hardship with the lessons that I learn

So, here it is…
NOW
So was yesterday
And so will be tomorrow

I have decided to grasp my life in its direction to create a full circle of my loves, nurturing my passions, talents and whatever latently propels me in directions I cannot foresee.
I prevent the potential regrets of not living in the way that stokes the fires that have just begun to ignite inside me.
I have peeled away many tightly wound layers that have been inflicted upon me…
And finally ready to fly

I have not been unaffected by fear of the heights I will go
The unknown is one of the scarier places to be
because ultimately fear is an anticipation of something we cannot grasp or rationalize. I understand this.
Yet
I will still fly
And have already begun to take off
And I look fear in the face so I can feel the wind in my wings

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I just got spanked

I’ve been getting more sleep lately, eating a more healthy diet and the weather is gorgeous…

All things that have made me feel invincible when I’m riding around this city on my bike. Yep, I’ve got my bike commuter bag slung around my shoulders, and my zippy bianchi racing bike that I bought years back when I used to compete…I’m soooo cool…and I can outride YOU…yeah, I’m such a bad-ass…

And life grabbed me and threw me against a wall

Full speed

Turning a corner

Nothing in my way

Going directly towards a sign and a fence and yet

…I wasn’t reaching for my brake

why?

I make that turn every day?

I rode at 20mph directly into a sign and bounced into the wood and off my bike

Slow the fuck down and chill out!

You do not need to be racing cars and flying through red lights and stop signs!

Ok, ok…I hear you…

I got the message as I layed sprawled out on the side of the road (thankfully on some grass) tangled within my bike

Feeling humbled and also gracious as several passers by stopped to ask if I was ok

Waiting for the circling birdies chirping above my head to stop, I got up and gathered my sprawled belongings, reattached my chain and ignored the trickling blood coming down my leg

…and continued to ride

this time coasting a lot, stopping at intersections and letting others pass me

putting myself out there

My lifelong battles have been my insecurities and shyness. Sure, to the outsider, I have a confident demeanor and diverse interests…I’m street smart, autonomous and independent. But when it comes to group dynamics and interacting with people, I often clam up, need to get somewhere else suddenly or I babble.

My belief to conquer fears is to face them squarely in the eye…

One way I unintentionally confronted this was very helpful…spending ten years as a TV News Videographer. The position put me in a situation on a daily basis of approaching complete strangers, striking up a conversation and engaging them in a comfortable dynamic…with the ultimate goal of getting these folks to open up on a professional video camera and to ultimately get their 28 second sound bite blast of fame on the 5 o’clock news. I was able to practice the warm and friendly interaction….it was my JOB. If it were my choice and not my job there was noooo way I would have just randomly walked up to people like this. But because it was my job, I HAD to. And the result most of the time was being rewarded by amicable responses, even if folks ultimately didn’t want to be videotaped.

I left that profession in 2001 and do not miss the TV industry at all, but in the years since then I have been lacking the dynamic that forced me to interact with unfamiliar folks that are not only strangers but are from VERY different circles from ones I am familiar with. Instead, I delved into several years of solo wandering through international travel and then landed a job here in Portland where I am essentially alone all day 9-5. I only have 2 coworkers and our layout provides only solitude while at work.

Outside of work I do get out socially A LOT…perhaps too much sometimes…compromising a necessary balance of grounding with extroversion. However, often when I am out and about I am overcome with my shy insecurities and end up going home without having had much interaction despite being surrounded by a sea of amazing people and possibilities.

At Burning Man this year I made a choice to face this fear and light the fire under my ass by taking a shift at the greeter station where everyone passes as they enter Black Rock City. As a greeter it was my job to interact and welcome each person who passed through my station. I had no choice but to extend myself and be friendly. There was no option to duck away or to give a cold or neutral face to any person. So…each person who passed through received a warm hug from me. The way I made myself feel less intimidated by this daunting role was that I did a mind trick: I made myself believe that each person coming through is a best friend who I hadn’t seen in a while, and who I was really excited to see. And it was incredible to reflect this to each person because of what beamed from the mirror back to me. The experience was not only a teacher for me but a blessing. I realized that I can create my reality by shifting perspective and enacting my desires. When taking on this approach I found I was showered with so much love during my three hours in the hot sun. It definitely created a shift for me in what was evolving into a burn that was for me this year a struggle in the very realm of relationships and skewed inaccurate and insecure mirrors that **I** created.

Now that I am back at home in Portland, I have jumped right into one frying pan and into another sizzler in the form of bartending every night at the PICA TBA late night Works party. Again, I have a JOB to do. It is my role to create a fun and friendly environment…and of course to serve up yummy drinks. and like when I was in TV News, and just last week on the playa, I am rewarded again and again with beautiful mirrors of the variety of people coming through who are so engaged by the positivity, presence and fun I am projecting towards them.

Now…what I need to do is take what I learn from these jobs and become self employed, so to speak. To take this energy and be able to create it on my own without it being in a job description. To manifest this confidence and remember and have faith in what has proved, time and time again, to be consistent…that smiles, positivity, respect and love for the other that I project will get beamed right back at me. It is a cycle and I want to jump in and ride it.

YES

light

joy

love

happiness

it's there and i seize it

i seize light

i am joyful

i am loving

i am loved

i love

i am happy

i bring friendships to my sphere

i am open

i accept new philosophies

i want to know

you show me

who are you?

you are the beauty and the light

you are open

and happy

you seek adventure

adventure to be shared

in expression

and experiences

i love you

i have faith in my passions

and i let them shine

in my own way

i see your passions

love them

and love you

and you love me too

and honor my path

and my expressions

i have success

in the faith i have in my ways

and remain open to improvement

and recognize

the imminent change

and flow with it

and have GRATITUDE

in what you deliver me, you playful loving and helpful guide:

life

spirit

thank you

blessings, light and pathways

it's amazing how you will be received
and what will come your way

if you reach out
and ask for what you want

and not run away

transitional resistance

I was “at least this high” to get on the ride I’ve been on for the past week. The roller coaster began with my taxi to the Gandhi International Airport in New Delhi. New Delhi, Singapore, Tokyo, Los Angeles and Portland …

All within 24 hours

Initially I jumped in heading directly up to Alberta Street’s Last Thursday festival. And upward more for other gatherings.

but the ride came to a screeching halt and I’ve been stuck here on a low point waiting for the inertia for my carnival ride to coast slowly up for the next height.

The weight I feel in my heart holds me back.

So here I sit

Unable to see the next ascent

Or how high I will fly

Release this weight

And climb

*

*

Here’s my pinch

Because it was really real

It happened!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/

Cairn of river pebbles

If you are curious about my 24 hours/day for the past 11 days

riding on an Enfield

while embracing Silver

with breezes through my hair

along course single lane roads barely hugging the edge of massive cliffs

leading downward to the Sutlej River

looking upward at the glaciated peaks of Kinner Kailash

through remote untouched Kinnauri mountain villages

eating in local dhabas and speaking Hindu to the lovely people

stopping along the way

anytime

wherever the natural beauty halts us

to revel in the magic of the mountains, rivers and valleys

sitting aside a waterfall…making Israeli coffee and snacking on namkeen and Indian sweets

An adventure to rival most honeymoons in the amazement of both the surrounds

and the connectivity of us both

In my state of overwhelming emotion I find it too personal to mass email many details of the conclusion of my journey…

However, you will NOT believe the photos.

They will tell most stories.

Give it a week or so and I’ll put them online…

My final two weeks of my India travel had me exclusively with Silver and Oryan and no other people to interact with other than the locals. We did pretty much everything together for 11 days straight. For a loner like me this was a challenging test.

I was unable to continue my dance of distance

Running away

Preventing closeness

This was such a good exercise for me and with positive results.

I was blown away and flattered as hell in the first place to have been invited to join them on their adventure that they had been carefully planning for months. But after a few days passed I awaited them to tire of me. One day I felt a surge of insecurity and escaped my perception of scrutiny and dislike by searching through the Sutlej River pebble bed.

My normal response has been to run away.

But I had nowhere to go.

But by their side.

And we all continued to enjoy each other and connect and be happy.

I built a small cairn with some special pebbles I chose to keep.

Balance

Beauty

Strength

Like a tiger

Motorcycle travel in India has revolutionized traveling in India for me.

I’ve only had a taste and I want more…

Silver and Oryan continue on their journey through the Spiti Valley and will be up in the mountains until August. I don’t know if I’ll ever see Silver again…

I am currently in New Delhi and having such a great time. It is amazing the difference between how I feel today and just yesterday. I shed many tears on my 24 hours of travel back to Delhi.

I had mourned the loss of Silver yet I continue to see light.

So here in the now I still am so happy…

How can this be?

I am in a state of flux

My heart is full

Sometimes I cry

I cannot believe in two days I will be in Portland, Oregon.

And this India journey will end.

Any time I want to rest on the feeling of sadness of this loss

I ask myself what I am losing when the light in my life continues

And I am making the choice to shine

No matter the land where my feet touch the earth

a flurry of butterflies

4/10/06

Today makes two weeks in Bhagsu Village. It’s a quiet touristy place 2km beyond McLeod Ganj, the Tibetan exile location for H.H. the Dalai Lama.

I ended two years of traveling three years ago here.

A month then

A month now

It is unbelievable to me how this same place can reap such different experiences

A different existence

Sometimes I reflect on how there is difference

and I can’t help but smile

knowing how far I have grown

The magic with Silver was so powerful

Each day is so full while traveling so our relationship progressed quickly

We spent days enjoying the fresh air, peace and beautiful nature on his guesthouse terrace. He made Israeli coffee with a stove he and his best friend, Oryan, bring with them on their Enfield travels.

One amazing day Silver and I rode on his motorcycle on tiny paved paths winding through the forest. At one point we were riding up a steepening hill and a stalled car blocked us. We had nowhere to turn and with the road so steep we began to roll quickly backwards. The only way to stop was to fall sideways. What felt like a scrape at the time turned into being a 2^nd degree burn from the exhaust pipe on my right leg.

One week later it’s healing fine but it will be a scar…

capturing the memory of this day

After about a week of this condensed togetherness though…

the glow faded

Silver’s beauty is so striking

Unbelievable really

And everywhere we went he got a lot of attention from women. When my Polish girlfriends met him they told me later, “he’s delicious! To be with a man like that requires a lot of strength.”

Words that ring true

Little by little I realized that I have this little jealous gremlin inside that subdues the best in me. Silver often reassured this gremlin with his affection and our moments together. But, ultimately, what it was that stopped my adoration and the glow was the

lack of smiles

codependence

growing distance

difference

There was one day when I stopped to take a look at myself and I did not like what I saw…

Then I chose to be the me

I want to be

I walked away from Silver

And cannot believe this Gold I have found!

I am back on my path

And I sit alone on my terrace

Watching hundreds of migrating butterflies

Seeing beauty in each one

Not knowing which one to catch

Nor caring

One day I walked to my guesthouse and I saw one single butterfly sitting in colors different from the rest

Putting my finger next to him he crawled on top

And continued the journey to my terrace

Where I adored him

And set him free with the rest

**

So now this gold

Oh yeah!

I have jitters of happiness…

I stay in a guesthouse where every room has a solo female traveler. But not only my guesthouse, there is also a café I go to every night since my new phase here…

It’s a room filled with solo travelers from all different countries…

Each person left home alone

like me

Wandering their paths through India

Until we all coincided

A union of individuals

In this large room…no separation of tables and groups

I sit on my cushion on the floor

and I sit with every person here.

Columbia, Denmark, Ireland, Argentina, Chile, Spain, USA, Sweden, Tibet, Israel, Australia, France, Malta, Germany, India, England

I have found my people!

Even with my solo travel in India I have felt like an outsider to the other backpackers. Most everyone I meet is traveling in pairs or groups.

But here we are all together, creating our group of friends from scratch

Here on the top of this mountain

Dark candlelight

Guitars and singing

Chillums and joints make a pass through the entire room rather than dwelling among 3 or 4.

An amazing display of lightning

persists and brightens the mountain sky

creating a backdrop for our nightly gathering.

I have had a perma-grin on my face for the past few days…

And part of it is seeing how much I’ve changed from 3 years ago

Realizing how happy I feel now with my oneness and freedom

And having made the choice to release a situation that does not stir the goddess in me

And to have found richer shores I a flurry of butterflies

4/11/06

There was no power in Bhagsu yesterday

I couldn’t send this update because internet nehi milega

After I wrote this

only hours after my ink had dried

I sat on the lower deck of my guesthouse acquainting new friends downstairs

waiting for the power so I could take an overdue hot shower

Silver arrived

Wow

I had accepted the end

But had yet to get closure

Something had shifted

In him

and in me

I had convinced myself

As with every love

That there is a shelf life when reaching a point of intensity

My inner damaged clock sets an alarm

that what this connection is

It must end

Now and no further

But here sits Silver

Asking where I’ve been

That he had been looking for me

But I had run and hid

To find myself

I don’t do this consciously

But I went away from him

To be safe of the pain of this loss

Of our togetherness

Yet he found me

This butterfly has returned

Silver asked me to join him and Oryan to continue together on their journey.

OUR journey

together

**

The three of us leave on Thursday atop Enfield motorcycles for my final adventure in India through the Sangla Valley of Himachal Pradesh.

http://www.sangla.com/location.htm

I don’t think I will have much email from 4/13 until I reach Shimla or New Delhi around 4/24 so don’t worry about me too much if you don’t hear from me.

**

My horoscope for April 10^th that I didn’t read until today:

If you think someone is holding out on you, Meredith, you may want to rethink this. Is it possible that you are over-reacting or more untrusting for some reason? Could it be because of a misunderstanding or a lack of information? Before you accuse someone of this sort of thing take the time to consider the root of this feeling. It may be that you're absolutely right but try to be sure before you confront them on it.

photos of Dharamsala

hippies and israelis

Listening to Greg Brown on my minidisk and Indian computer speakers

I sit on my balcony writing

Intermittently looking out at the mongoose couple scampering

In the crops of I’m not sure what

Nearby Indian girls create a fashion show with their saree scarves

Bright pinks, purples and green

Creating a beautiful contrast to the lush crops

Overhead flocks of white birds encircle the area

My approach to

Right here

Was a bumpy one

Departing from Jaisalmer

I revisited Jodhpur…yes, of the namesake riding pants.

Sipping chai in a charismatic café inside an old haveli in the blue city,

I found myself amongst a different breed of traveler.

Vacationers are what I call them.

These are the folks who are on a 2-week holiday.

Totally different perspectives we have…

One gave his review of Pushkar by recommending against it

because there are too many “hippies and Israelis” there.

Huh?

Strange to hear this when I sat whiling for my present location.

On my way here…

I paused in Bikaner; a non-touristy Rajasthani small city. Like other cities of this size in India it had streets filled with diverse vehicles and foot traffic. However, in Bikaner, add camels to the mix.

I visited a temple outside the city known as the rat temple. It gets the nickname due to the thousands of rats living inside. Like a bad car accident, it’s one of those things I don’t want to see but I can’t keep from looking at.

Other than the temple I spent most of my time in my hotel room because I had little energy to withstand the Indian men who would follow, surround and stare at me.

24 hours of train and bus travel later, I finally arrived…

to another location filled with

Hippies and Israelis

Halleluia, I had arrived to Dharamsala.

My ego tells me I should be an adventurous traveler

taking risks

and taking roads less traveled.

But ego aside

The truth is that I am so relieved and happy to return here

It’s like a home to me.

Right now it *is* home

I ended my previous trip to India with a month stay here. The familiarity, conveniences, amazing people and beautiful nature

Welcome me

Relax me

Nurture me

The night I arrived it was late and somehow, despite the dark and being weary from the trip I managed to find the most perfect guesthouse. Like Pushkar, it’s filled with travelers from a variety of countries. For my first time traveling this trip I am developing a wonderful friendship with other women. These two also travel alone and both are from Poland.

But before we were acquainted I had my first evening alone with a delicious Italian meal and a large cold Indian beer…then email

…and there it was

an email from Silver

sent within the hour about how he had also just arrived to Dharamsala.

I was so excited to hear from him

and also hear that he is here also.

But fear took over

My insecurity began to win the battle

I was afraid that he wouldn’t like me now

Even though it’s still so fresh

And we’re mostly the same

And even though I got an email telling me he waits for me

I am afraid.

The past two days

subconsciously I was putting off seeing him

To avoid the pain

of my manifested rejection

If any of you were here you would shake me and ask me

What the hell?

Come on!

Go meet him!

And I remind myself of the rock

That I hold strong

…And I feigned a throw

Today we met

And I tell you the beauty is heightened

And there is magic

Oh my

You could knock me over with a feather

Sigh

*

!

When I think I’ve reached my peak

of this trip

and can’t imagine getting higher

I continue to climb

Looking out from the large balcony

I see the soaring falcons

And I also feel so high

And free

I sit alone in my today

And I cry

Because I can’t believe that I can deserve

this beauty that touches me

photos of Jodhpur

photos of Bikaner

photos of Dharamsala

It rains and pours in the India desert

Pushkar was such a strong and full collection of experiences. After several attempts to leave, i did so after two weeks. I made a realization that it makes no difference whether i have been to a place several times before or if it has newness in whether there is magic to be found.

After Silver left Pushkar i assumed that the chapter had closed and followed accordingly by packing my bag. The charm and persuasion of Jonh & Filter who work at my cozy guesthouse oasis thwarted my departure...and did so two times more until i was finally able to leave to flow with the cycle i have existed in.

at one moment i am filled with joy i am unaccustomed to. this dynamic one where i feel completely comfortable of who i am and those around me. our relationships nourish me and part of that is the mutual exchange of fun, support and growth that we share together.

Yet when the bag is packed and i step across the threshold of the bus steps or train doorway, i am entering a new reality...

i awake in the morning and i have arrived to a new land...

looking into the faces in a sea of strangers.

in one journey

in one night

i have chiseled the wonderful peak down to the bare basics.

to begin the ascent again.

here i sit

atop the majestic centuries old fort in Jaisalmer

the golden city

each building in the hue of brilliant yellow

creating a sea of gold

now that the sun sets, splashing down a rosy hue upon the landscape,

i ponder another day's passing

and where i am now

and where i have been

and where i am going

this part of the cycle masquerades as a lonely time

but unmasked it is the grounding i need

a time for contemplation

i wondered why i am not enjoying this stint in Jaisalmer when it was a highlight of my first India experience 4 years ago. so much has changed, this conclusion is simple. but who and what has changed? The place is the same so the finger points to me.

Do i have expectations that are unmet?

a level compared to the magic from four years ago?

or perhaps i am distracted by upcoming destinations that are shining brighter than this golden city...

i reflected on my experiences thus far in this trip and it is hard to imagine my reality of one and a half months ago when i sat on a beach in Goa stopping a passing woman dressed in a saree with a basket of fruit atop her head...her graceful saunter pausing to sell me a freshly cut pineapple.

was that real?

i have about 25 rolls of undeveloped film that will prove it was true.

that memory was from two months ago.

i have a similar response to memories from two days ago.

was it real when i sat in Pushkar sipping chai with two amazing friends?

when one more was added to our group in the form of an adorable 5 year old indian boy.

we couldn't resist spinning him around and throwing him in the air due to his incomprehensible pleading in Hindi for more...

the shifts in life

transporting to new arenas and dynamics

each choice

each turn

delivers

here i am now

what would have happened if i went to Bundi instead of changing my mind at the last minute to go to Jaisalmer?

or if i had accepted the invitation to join a group of Israelis to Udaipur?

Each one seems to be such a minor decision

but ultimately crucial in my overall destiny

i am awed by how intuitively tuned in many of the indian people are who i meet. Jonh, for example, from my Pushkar guesthouse, had an uncanny knack for predicting things in advance. One example was when he replied to my first announcement of my next day's departure by saying "no, i think you won't leave. you will be here one week more. i also think you will come back again...maybe next year."

i chuckled with amusement at the time but now i look back

and he was right.

a lot of my staying extra time had to do with the two English dreadlocked hippies who checked in the next day. Youthfully spirited and engaging i was able to let a few more days pass without thought.

still glowing from my romance with Silver, i was caught by surprise to find my friendship with Marc grow into a very sweet romance. He's off to Goa now as I head northward.

These romances that grace my journey have been so full

...condensing what at home would normally transpire over weeks

into a string of days.

My heart is full and i am so touched by these relationships. The kind which I have not had for years.

yes, years.

Since David and my relationship ended in India in 2001 i have not had any relationships that i would qualify as substantial or mutual.

...the substantial lapse of time, however, had left me questioning my worth.

instead i chose to question the dynamic in which i existed.

i shook things up and chose to follow my happiness.

...and here it is in india

...and my heart is full and overflowing

...in an Indian desert where it rains and pours

which makes me wonder if it is possible for this lightning to strike again?

i know it will

i want to shed tears for what i have found in each love here

the physical beauty, the inner adonis, the exchange of trust, peeling to our core, elimination of masks, teaching and learning from one another, caring

selfless caring

and more. much much more

until now i have hazy memory of a soul connection that meets the several i continue to have here in india.

now i question my life at home

and i have drawn a conclusion

seemingly rash

but, to me, so clear

i am not destined to be with an American man.

to be honest i have had no love for an American man since 2001.

What i HAVE had was the falling in love with a fantasy of having a relationship.

a normal life at home

the rooted american life

married by 30 and kids on the horizon

or loving the other more

...a pedestal

but love

for me

love is only REAL when there is mutual trust

this trust giving freedom

NO PEDESTALS

equal reverence

and appreciation

and giving and taking

this is my reality right now

but things will change

as all things do

photos of Pushkar

photos of Jaisalmer