a flurry of butterflies

4/10/06

Today makes two weeks in Bhagsu Village. It’s a quiet touristy place 2km beyond McLeod Ganj, the Tibetan exile location for H.H. the Dalai Lama.

I ended two years of traveling three years ago here.

A month then

A month now

It is unbelievable to me how this same place can reap such different experiences

A different existence

Sometimes I reflect on how there is difference

and I can’t help but smile

knowing how far I have grown

The magic with Silver was so powerful

Each day is so full while traveling so our relationship progressed quickly

We spent days enjoying the fresh air, peace and beautiful nature on his guesthouse terrace. He made Israeli coffee with a stove he and his best friend, Oryan, bring with them on their Enfield travels.

One amazing day Silver and I rode on his motorcycle on tiny paved paths winding through the forest. At one point we were riding up a steepening hill and a stalled car blocked us. We had nowhere to turn and with the road so steep we began to roll quickly backwards. The only way to stop was to fall sideways. What felt like a scrape at the time turned into being a 2^nd degree burn from the exhaust pipe on my right leg.

One week later it’s healing fine but it will be a scar…

capturing the memory of this day

After about a week of this condensed togetherness though…

the glow faded

Silver’s beauty is so striking

Unbelievable really

And everywhere we went he got a lot of attention from women. When my Polish girlfriends met him they told me later, “he’s delicious! To be with a man like that requires a lot of strength.”

Words that ring true

Little by little I realized that I have this little jealous gremlin inside that subdues the best in me. Silver often reassured this gremlin with his affection and our moments together. But, ultimately, what it was that stopped my adoration and the glow was the

lack of smiles

codependence

growing distance

difference

There was one day when I stopped to take a look at myself and I did not like what I saw…

Then I chose to be the me

I want to be

I walked away from Silver

And cannot believe this Gold I have found!

I am back on my path

And I sit alone on my terrace

Watching hundreds of migrating butterflies

Seeing beauty in each one

Not knowing which one to catch

Nor caring

One day I walked to my guesthouse and I saw one single butterfly sitting in colors different from the rest

Putting my finger next to him he crawled on top

And continued the journey to my terrace

Where I adored him

And set him free with the rest

**

So now this gold

Oh yeah!

I have jitters of happiness…

I stay in a guesthouse where every room has a solo female traveler. But not only my guesthouse, there is also a café I go to every night since my new phase here…

It’s a room filled with solo travelers from all different countries…

Each person left home alone

like me

Wandering their paths through India

Until we all coincided

A union of individuals

In this large room…no separation of tables and groups

I sit on my cushion on the floor

and I sit with every person here.

Columbia, Denmark, Ireland, Argentina, Chile, Spain, USA, Sweden, Tibet, Israel, Australia, France, Malta, Germany, India, England

I have found my people!

Even with my solo travel in India I have felt like an outsider to the other backpackers. Most everyone I meet is traveling in pairs or groups.

But here we are all together, creating our group of friends from scratch

Here on the top of this mountain

Dark candlelight

Guitars and singing

Chillums and joints make a pass through the entire room rather than dwelling among 3 or 4.

An amazing display of lightning

persists and brightens the mountain sky

creating a backdrop for our nightly gathering.

I have had a perma-grin on my face for the past few days…

And part of it is seeing how much I’ve changed from 3 years ago

Realizing how happy I feel now with my oneness and freedom

And having made the choice to release a situation that does not stir the goddess in me

And to have found richer shores I a flurry of butterflies

4/11/06

There was no power in Bhagsu yesterday

I couldn’t send this update because internet nehi milega

After I wrote this

only hours after my ink had dried

I sat on the lower deck of my guesthouse acquainting new friends downstairs

waiting for the power so I could take an overdue hot shower

Silver arrived

Wow

I had accepted the end

But had yet to get closure

Something had shifted

In him

and in me

I had convinced myself

As with every love

That there is a shelf life when reaching a point of intensity

My inner damaged clock sets an alarm

that what this connection is

It must end

Now and no further

But here sits Silver

Asking where I’ve been

That he had been looking for me

But I had run and hid

To find myself

I don’t do this consciously

But I went away from him

To be safe of the pain of this loss

Of our togetherness

Yet he found me

This butterfly has returned

Silver asked me to join him and Oryan to continue together on their journey.

OUR journey

together

**

The three of us leave on Thursday atop Enfield motorcycles for my final adventure in India through the Sangla Valley of Himachal Pradesh.

http://www.sangla.com/location.htm

I don’t think I will have much email from 4/13 until I reach Shimla or New Delhi around 4/24 so don’t worry about me too much if you don’t hear from me.

**

My horoscope for April 10^th that I didn’t read until today:

If you think someone is holding out on you, Meredith, you may want to rethink this. Is it possible that you are over-reacting or more untrusting for some reason? Could it be because of a misunderstanding or a lack of information? Before you accuse someone of this sort of thing take the time to consider the root of this feeling. It may be that you're absolutely right but try to be sure before you confront them on it.

photos of Dharamsala