perfect

In a word, that is what describes my 11 days in Rishikesh.

My experience and reaction to Rishikesh is completely different from my visit there 5 years ago. And because of this I had very little expectations other than being able to spend some time in a place that is more fresh in my experiences than other spots in India I continue to revisit year after year. An experience is a direct reflection of where a person is at in emotions and mindset. Rishikesh, in the passing years, has had only a few minor changes that has made it perfect for where I am at right now.

It combines every element of travel in India that I enjoy. Now that’s a tall order for a seasoned India traveler like me.

First of all, Rishikesh is a holy destination for Hindu pilgrims and all kinds of Indian nationals. My guesthouse was just outside the tall temple with several floors high…each story welcoming the visitors and spiritual people who continue to climb while ringing each bell to send their prayers forward. I enjoyed a chai amongst the Indian visitors while watching the families leave their shoes behind and embark on the upward climb to the top of the temple. Crossing the jhula (footbridge) I enter an area of dhabas (Indian restaurants) to enjoy thalis. Now that I can read Hindi I see so many more options of what I can order as I read the selection painted on the wall.

So here I get my India fix…the authentic interaction with the Indian people and culture.

But that’s not enough; I need to interact with other travelers as well. And Rishikesh has plenty of venues to satisfy my need for this. A day could easily be spent hopping from one riverside café for an espresso to another garden setting lounging on cushions under a shady tree watching the raft boats drift by on the Ganges…as I drink a fresh squeezed strawberry & banana juice. The setting of most of the cafes is perfect…no segregating tables. Low tables surrounded by cushions and pillows giving the environment that all here are together rather than in separated groups. This is PERFECT for meeting people! I really wish more restaurants at home would get on this tip…an environment where people can meet and there is no “them and us”…we’re altogether.

A bonus to this aspect of Rishikesh, I must add, is the amount of travelers I feel akin to…like-minded and similar style and approach to traveling. Ok, and then there’s one other thing…there are a huge percentage of them that are beautiful men. He he.

But wait, there’s more!

Rishikesh has got some of the most lovely nature walks! The Ganges flows cleanly from the mountain’s ice melt. The spring has arrived and the bright green sprouts from branches and flows bring colors spotting the landscape. Wandering just a few minutes north outside my guesthouse door, walking alongside the Ganges, I immersed in the natural forces of fresh air, monkeys, waterfalls, forests and beauty. Taking walks into the nature was revitalizing and provided moments where in my present moment, taking it all in; I had full appreciation of happiness in my present moment.

And then the icing on the cake was my guesthouse.

Also my home 5 years ago, it remained consistent as an interesting, fun and bonding place for a collection of solo travelers from around the world. None of the rooms had attached bathrooms and all rooms opened up to a courtyard where the communal bathrooms are. So when chillin outside our rooms, it felt exactly like we all shared this big house together. Everyone knew everybody there and during the down times of the day we sat together making music, making conversation and recounting our day or hopeful visions of our futures.

~ * ~

Earlier in my trip I struggled with my shyness and overanalyzing my ability to meet people and initiate conversations. Somehow, after 4 months in India this issue seems to have disappeared. The Rishikesh environment and dynamics helped usher in a smooth confidence. When I say “confidence” I don’t mean self assurance or thinking that my shit don’t stank. After a few days in Rishikesh I would leave a café and realize that my weird social anxiety is gone and my social flow is…smooth. Smooth, meaning, there is no premeditated thought, for example, thinking to myself “I will talk to those people over there because they look nice and receptive. Ok….GO!”

No…I just sat near people and just started to chat. And it was easy. And I was rewarded every time with amazing and nice and interesting people. And the longer I stayed in Rishikesh the larger my friendship circle expanded. Life like this is easy and fun and AWESOME! So now I step back and am present in my acknowledgement of this smooth social flow. But I also examine this in comparison to my life at home…and it makes me wonder. Here I am traveling with people I will most likely not see again (and if so I will see them next year for about a week or so only). These people are not intimidating to me and I realize there is no “risk” of initiating because the chance of a long term friendship is pretty small. And reflecting on how I flow in Portland, I see myself as such a social spaz… I freeze up, I clam up, I disappear and reappear and I hold a solid exterior to protect myself. So what I realize now is that I need to claim this smooth approach that I am gleaning over here in India and apply it at home.

That is my goal…to stay fresh and unaffected by intimidation and fear…and flow to the friendships that surround me in Portland. This fear of mine to protect myself from being hurt is clearly preventing the potential depth of friendships at home.

So that, my friends is my goal from this day forward: To eliminate doubt, intimidation and fear in my interactions with people…with friends.

~ * ~

It was tough to leave Rishikesh but I realized that my onward movement compels me. So here I sit in New Delhi. Today I took a taxi to the “All American Diner”, a kitschy, very authentic knock-off on an American 50’s old style diner. After 4 months in India, I cannot describe the satisfaction of having American style pancakes with real maple syrup, BACON and real coffee! Oh my, oh my! I almost did a happy dance to the Elvis playing on the jukebox. That was the perfect fix for me as I begin to focus forward a bit to my journey back to the USA in 2 weeks.

On an interesting note:

My taxi ride back from the diner to where I stay in Pahar Ganj went by police blockades, 100s of policemen in riot gear, ~20 satellite television trucks, a mass of TV cameras…and not much else. Later, over a cup of coffee, I read the paper and realized that today is the day the Olympic torch is run through New Delhi and there are massive protests planned by Tibetans who don’t endorse the Olympic Games being held in the oppressive country of China. So things could get pretty interesting later today…in fact, they are running the torch now as I type this.

But anyway I should remain free of any conflict because tomorrow I head back up to the north for one final week+ of my India trip. Part of my attention is looking forward, knowing that the ever-looming month end will bring my departure from this chapter to another fresh start in Portland. My home.

Despite this anticipation I hope to stay focused on being present, however, so I can put my energy towards my final week+ here in India, which I feel will be the cherry on the cake.

But who knows?

J

Rishikesh photos http://flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604428599785/

Yes…all 260 of them.

Oh yeah, and here are photos from last visit to New Delhi: http://flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604380629132/

one hour after i posted my last blog...

the belgians told me they decided to rent enfields and ride up into the mountains instead of a taxi to manali.
i don't feel like a motorcycle adventure right now and i was slipping from my initial interest of the trip back to vashisht.
so darjeeling it is. (leh is too freaking cold. some other time)

i just booked a ticket to bagdogra and back.
...and afterwards proceeded to look online for info on darjeeling and noticed there are strikes happening in darjeeling and sikkim. wheee! so this could be, uh, "fun".
i'm keeping my fingers crossed that my trip goes out with a fun bang and not a soggy fizzle of geeks in the NE mountains prepping for a trek.
but i'll find out soon enough... as soon as i spend another 4 nights here in rishikesh that shouldn't be a problem since i have a nice dutch neighbor who i've been chillin with since i got to rishikesh a week ago. in fact, he encouraged me to choose darjeeling for the mere fact that it's NOT what everyone else is doing...that is, the backpacker autopilot itinerary.
Wouter has traveled from china throught tibet and nepal and then 11 months in india on bicycle. yes, bicycle. how he doesn't get bit by dogs, i do not know. anyway, i am super keen on the fact that he is so adventurous.
he leaves for iran as i leave for darjeeling.

decisions decisions

so i've got 18 days until i have to be in delhi
i'm ready to scoot from rishikesh
and i've got 3 totally amazing options of what to do, all of which are appealing to me
i need to book tickets stat
i don't know what to do

1) darjeeling:
pros: never been there before, the weather is the best now in the whole year, spring has arrived there and there are flowers everywhere, buddhist vibe, different culture, gorgeouos mountain scenery, tea
cons: expensive roundtrip flight from delhi, don't know if it will be the best place to spend my last weeks and don't want to go out with a fizzle

2) leh:
pros: never been there before, buddhist vibe, different culture, gorgeous mountain scenery, flight is cheaper than to darjeeling, preseason means less tourists and more nice interaction with the villages there
cons: it is fucking cold there now (this could be a big problem as i am a WOOS in the chill), i may get altitude sickness by flying to over 3000 altitude suddenly

3) vashisht:
pros: i just met two cute young belgian men who want to share a taxi with me, the ride would be an adventure in itself, leo and ushisht are really freaking fun and cool, i've been to vashisht before so it's more of a "sure thing" that it would be a nice place to end my trip, the belgians are sorta hot
cons: i've been there before and liked it, but not liked it-liked it...so not sure if it will be an anticlimactic ending to my trip, non-stop emphasis on chillums. i don't want that to dominate the end of my trip

WHAT TO DO???

meet my other half

It’s been over three weeks since my last travel missive. I have never gone this long without writing before! I suppose I could say that it’s overdue. And I’ve thought about this for the past few weeks and pressured myself to get inspired but I didn’t feel ready. The question I have been wondering is why?

Actually there have been so many questions of “why” since Luke arrived March 15^th. My travel life delved into completely new territory by introducing a friend from home to my other life here in India. Prior to Luke arriving I had hit a slump and bumped off a groove that I adjust to flow in as I float and love and live…and I had become a bit lonely. So what more could I ask than to have not only a friend but my housemate come join me? Luke and I were acquainted in 2005 as we collaborated with many others to create one of the best Burning Man experiences I have ever had in our camp Woomb. Later he moved into my house. And in these 2+ years since our acquaintance our friendship has remained fixed at a level of loving and respectful distant friendship.

I picked him up from the airport on the evening of the 15^th and every single day since, we have spent every day, most of each 24 hour period, together. Sharing rooms, sharing taxis, sharing meals, sharing the challenges, sharing laughter, sharing the craziness of this chaotic country and sharing almost everything. Sure there were afternoons we ventured on our own to get some space, but really we were pretty much together the majority of our time since he arrived.

For me, this was a very interesting test.

I suppose I realized this was coming as I anticipated his arrival, but once in the thick of it I was brought to a new level of travel than I have ever been in.

At home I maintain this safe distance dance with friends. I’ve had a history that brought me up to stay out of the way and not cause a rift…and most importantly, not making anyone feel obligated to be my friend. I see this now because after a lifetime of dropping in and out of friends’ lives to control my exposure, suddenly I was around this friend nonstop and each step of the way he remained. ..even through my dorky moments, my bitchy moments and all the other qualities I have that I am ashamed of and successfully maneuver to be hidden from friends in my setting at home. If you can imagine, it’s like this: consider if you have a tendency to be, for example, grouchy as a result of a type of situation. You might remove yourself from said situation to prevent anyone seeing this un-fun side of yourself. That’s what I do. I can sense beforehand if I’m reaching for my bitch card and at home I can escape the situation without anyone seeing this side of me.

But that, it has become clear, doesn’t work while traveling.

Every time the ogre in me began to come out I was stuck and Luke got the opportunity to meet my bitchy other half. All the while I was completely aware of what I was doing yet unable to control my unfriendly reaction to triggers. And all the while I was feeling like shit because Luke had to endure it. And all the while I was sad because I felt my behavior was killing our friendship.

Every time I showed this secret side of me, instead of my expectation that he’d no longer want my friendship, Luke stuck around. Not only that he was forgiving and making an effort to work through our friction. And every time I was blown away that here is a person who will be my friend even after meeting my other half.

This is true friendship.

I am not concluded on this issue stopping at the incredulous feeling of unconditional friendship. I need to go beyond this, deeper. Frankly, I have got to come face to face with this side of me which I detest that comes out when in certain situations. This is not acceptable. I cannot live this life of hiding my emotions that deteriorate my possibilities or happiness. The hiding must end but even more importantly I need to battle my demons and work through my issues to rid them altogether from my experience for a more open and happy life.

I think about how I want to attract to myself a lover/partner/sweetheart who is strong and solid in emotions and spirituality. How can I have these lofty expectations for a man in my life if I cannot own these same qualities in myself? You receive what you are. I have had horribly abusive relationships and beautiful loving and trusting relationships. I see now that each of these experiences in the dance of life reflected the tune emitting from my soul during that period of my life. Yes, I create my reality.

So what is it that I want, I ask myself?

I want open, mature, loving and respectful qualities in a man who is experienced and spiritual and evolving.

This is what I need to be.

On the most part I am compatible for this life partner matching. But the hidden anger and resentment that is deep in my core needs to be set free before I can become a part of a successful and loving pairing of which I strive to be in.

~ * ~

Last night Luke took off on his own.

This is sooo good for him. Now he can test himself solo in the travel: taking the train, choosing his guesthouse, meeting new friends, seeing the sights and finding his way.

And this is really good for me.

I felt relief from not having to battle my demons through our mutual reflections. I was enabled to hide again. I felt empowered.

Yesterday I came across a description of people with a Virgo sun and a particular excerpt caught my eye. After reading it I felt free of the guilt I have every time I see myself playing my bitch card.

“In relationship, the Virgo is generous with their time, initially putting most of their attention on you and showing you what a good support they are. As time goes on they start to withdraw into their world of solitude but they feel guilty about it so they often start by finding something wrong with you until they get upset enough to withdraw only now they're justified. They are extremely sensitive to criticism though they appear to be able to dish it out quite freely, and you can be sure that when they are in the cynical, critical mode regardless of where it is aimed, they are starting to spiral into their recluse cycle. If you are strong, you can encourage it knowing that they will reward you when they return. You can ask them to do almost anything but you have to appreciate them and show it. Appreciation is like the criticism antidote. They have a propensity to feel used and discarded but they will also be sickened by too much so of affection. You have to do most of what you would like to do in a toned down way, a way that is "proper" even if you don't think it's what they want, deep down, it is!”

This passage isn’t an excuse, but it shows me some insight of some of the “why”’s that have been hitting me the past 3 weeks.

Listen, I don’t want this blog to appear as if having Luke here with me hasn’t been fun. It has been fun. I, as usual, like to process my experience and grow and this time it involved the reality of the ups and downs of relationships. Sometimes it’s all camels, turbans, music and fun. Other times there’s the stupid crap like getting irritated over trivialities.

We have had such a blast chillin in the magical hippie heaven of Pushkar. Then getting Rajasthani culture of Holi and an elephant festival in Jaipur. And, then there was Agra for the Taj Mahal. Poking fun at each other and our newfound travel buddy from Moscow, Sasha, as we each took turns ailing from “Delhi belly”. Climbing and descending ghats in Varanasi and being sure to not step in one of the never ending piles of cow poop. The best was topping off each day neutralizing our energy after a stimulating day in the life of an India traveler in our room. Lazying around, reminiscing about our day, making jokes and cringing from the blaring glow of over bright fluorescents…the lights became one of our several inside jokes as we now referred to our guesthouse room as the “KGB”.

So here I am in Delhi, on my own and getting my ducks in a row on several aspects of my dwanjabi business. It’s not a bad place to hang out for week. It’s a pretty good place to ground myself to prepare for my onward northward journey.

Delhi http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604126009859/

Pushkar http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604095045154/

Jaipur http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604354934659/

Agra http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604312663207/

Varanasi http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604355218478/

arriving to Delhi

I’m in Delhi now.
God, I love Delhi.
I mean, I got off the train at 10:30pm, its dark and most of the businesses are already closed as I walked down Pahar Ganj with my heavvvy backpack on…and still I am stoked to be here. There’s such good energy. All the travelers are in transit so there’s this anticipation of exits and arrivals looming. People are making eye contact. The Indians here know English well enough that we can sass each other in a playful way.
Is it me?
I think so. My trip to Pushkar made me realize that I had reached an emotional rut…I suppose I could call it. I’m just over halfway through with this India adventure and I was feeling like it was already over. And when I realized I thought this as I spoke it aloud to Anche I decided that I had to shake things up and shift my perspective. I know it’s all about me and not the place or the people. It is totally up to me to decide if I am going to have fun, if I’m going to meet people and if I am going to be happy. So I asked myself “DO you want to do these things…really?” Because if I do then put it into action. Ask for it and receive. So not that some big amazing freaky funny story happened that I can tell you now…but it was more like a project. I observed my reactions and opinions and feelings and realized that they didn’t match what I want (magic, happiness, friendship and love). I’m not able to snap my fingers and immediately change but at least I am more aware of what I am doing and how my actions and attitudes create my reality.

Leaving Pushkar temporarily is a great way to step outside and take another look at my patterns when in different surroundings. Not to mention an entirely different twist…
The reason I left to come to Delhi.
I’m here to pick up my friend and housemate, Luke, from the airport tomorrow.
Wow. This is a powerful new twist to traveling for me. The only other time I have traveled with a friend from home was my very first excursion in 2001 with an emotionally abusive boyfriend with whom I had a 3 year relationship. 3 months into that trip the relationship was over and I continued to travel by myself. And since then I have made 4 more journeys to India, each time alone. Choosing this escape to a foreign land where travelers come together from around the world and very few Americans.
I would never have chosen to give up my American Dream life to wander around India back then if I hadn’t been encouraged by my ex-bf. So despite the frequent heart crippling moments I shared with him, I still give him props for inspiring me and introducing me to this amazing country.
However, after we split I never traveled with anyone from home since. The only time I have ever traveled with friends was with the travelers from other countries that I met along the way.
The past few weeks I have been preparing myself for my worlds to collide: Portland and India. WOAH
I think this will be good for me! Not just because Luke is the bomb and I am stoked to have a pal to roam with for a bit…but also because I question sometimes if this dual life of splitting my year between India and Portland is emotionally un-grounding; disabling myself to create strong connections with either place. Somehow though it works for me. So when I begin to question this life I have, I stop myself and ask “but are you happy?”
And the answer is …mostly yes.

***
So anyway, I really am so … wow … picking … up …friend… from Portland…in Delhi…
What a TRIP!

Ha!
This will be so FUN to see India through his eyes, his first time. Cool
I’m really stoked because countless times while I’m over here in some freaking kick ass place I wonder “why don’t my friends come here????” Cuz I know y’all would love it!!
And now I can watch as a friend falls in love with this place too.

Goa to Rajasthan

I’m having, as of yesterday and even more today, a bit of a rough time. I am sure it has a lot to do with starting my month today and it being a new moon. sigh.
Anyway, I just got to Pushkar yesterday straight from Goa. Goa was fun and relaxing and some partying in there also.
And Pushkar is this town where I spent 1.5 months last year doing business...and the place I met silver two years ago. Actually every time I’ve been here I have some sort of romance develop.
Anyway, perhaps due to expectations from prior years' magic...I am feeling out of sorts. It’s only my 2nd day here and I keep telling myself to suck it up and be patient. But it feels empty here...and different.
And I’m not really interacting with anyone except my German friends from last year who are also back again.
And, par for the course, I am staying in yet another guesthouse with a young male person running it who is WAY too into my business. Just before coming to the internet cafe he came to my room and peeked his head into my curtain while I was lying in my bed. And I snapped and told him never to open my curtain. Dude...even before that I was thinking to move guesthouses. The one I want to move to is full though...I checked this afternoon.

I had a super weird evening one of my last nights in Goa. There was a party and people were really high…and it just got weird. Everything was weird. And in the end I made out+ with a guy who is now in my top 10 hottest guys I’ve ever made out with list…maybe even top 5. I can tell you the story sometime…it’s a good long one and perfect for over a drink. So let’s put it on the shelf until I get back. And if you’ve ever heard one of my recounted theatrical “weird Dwan sex stories”, it’s one of those.

I’m feeling really lonely right now!!!
I don’t like my guesthouse which is so weird because it was my home last year.
Everything’s different here this year. Wanh wanh wanh…mommy…
My German friends who are also here from last year travel with their kid who is 3.5 now. When he is bummed he cries a little bit and crawls on his mommy’s lap and she holds him and rubs his hair and he feels better.
I need that.

Goa http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603964859908/

I made it! ... a L I V E ~ *

Sometimes in the moment I am not aware of the teachings.
What is this experience handing me to walk away with?
What will I bring away with me?

I was wondering these questions a lot while I was in the south of India.
Questioning the light in each moment is not always as intense when in those good moments. But in the less enjoyable ones I wonder to myself “ok, what is it? What about this is necessary for my path? Hmm…?”
Sometimes only a day later, and other times years, I reach a point, the light comes on…and I smile and sometimes laugh because I see how fucking fun life is with how things come around and how things needed to happen to get me here. And finally those low points shed light on the “why?” and “what am I doing here?” questions I once had.

Less than a week ago I reached a point where I decided I was finished with the south for this trip. I was very ready to get back to one of my 5 true comfort zones (2nd homes) that are here in India. I had the plans set after the backwaters to spend a short 18 hours in Kochi, just enough time for basic sightseeing, covering all the bases, eating and resting…and then off I go.
And then funny life played one of those tricks on me with a snafu on my departure date: All of Kerala had a scheduled strike of all vehicular traffic. My rescheduled ticket to bypass this bump would keep me in Kochi for 3 more days before fleeing north.
So this dance with this prankster life took a twirl and instead of sitting this one out and pouting I looked it in the face and said “ok, show me”.
Flowing

I ended up really enjoying my entire time in Kochi!
And had amazing walks in a sophisticated urban Keralan city of Ernakulum and then a short ferry ride across the harbor to visit the touristy area of Fort Cochin. It was a perfect setup for me because I was able to have both: India AND a tourist area. Yay. I thought it was funny how many people staying in the touristy Fort Cochin seemed shocked that I chose to stay in Ernakulum and that I actually enjoyed staying there.
Different strokes

So thank you, life, for putting me in my place and giving this gift of a balancing time in Kochi.

But then the day came and I, ahhhhhhhh, arrived back to Arambol.
Immediately my energy shifted and I was such a bright light again…so shining…and so freeking great to see all the friends I have established from many seasons here. It was like coming home.

And now that I feel the way I feel now, compared to a more intense, self conscious, shy and ambivalent me who was here upon arrival just days before new year’s eve…I am here now with new light bestowed by the trails and bumps in the past weeks…moving through Karnataka, Tamil Nadu and Kerala…all in a matter of 6+ weeks. WHEW! Jeez I covered a lot of ground!...for me, that is. Everyone travels differently in India. Everyone has different objectives, paces, interests and paths. I have decided that I am now closing the chapter on the moving quickly and hopping around. It is exhausting, plus right here in Arambol is my family. Our living room is Arkan Bar and the tables sit 20 so we all sit together for meals, beers, conversations and smokes.

I really needed the past 6 weeks. Actually I should say 4 weeks, because Gokarna was the same feeling as here for me.
So 4 weeks of…making me strong, giving me muscle, being alone, dancing with life…

I got the most amazing room. Oh wow. Actually my timing to return to Arambol is so perfect. All the holiday riff-raff is over, the tourists are gone mostly and now it’s down to the core…the real travelers…the hippies…and as the conservative London chap described to me while in an Ernakulum dhaba: the people who look like circus performers. Yep. My people.
Anyway, since so many people are beginning to head north on the backpacker route following the sun of the shifting seasons…my amazing room became free. It is a house standing alone, only two rooms, one for me and one for Klause, the older man who is beginning a 3 week intensive advanced yoga course at the place where I quit. Ha ha…funny to think about that now. we each have our own “apartment” but we share this killer front porch.
So here now I sit on my front porch with my laptop…semi-hidden from the occasional passerby through the field of the tiny white chapel…looking out to the left however is the beach and the Hindu temple.
My first day back here I was reunited with Nijiko AGAIN. Such a lovely angel gracing my travels…love her sweetness so much. And now there is a third, lovely Andrea from Barcelona. The three of us, all 5’ 10”+, in different colorings and cultures take to the streets and I feel like we’ve got this Charlie’s Angels goddess power. It’s fucking cool. Anyway, it’s just so fun to have amazing goddess energy to kick it with here in Arambol.

Kochi http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603951293691/
Arambol (in progress) http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603964859908/

the changing face of a tourist trap

Things turned around for me in the past week thankfully as far as having people to hang out with.

I spent my final night in Kanyakumari with a super fun group of all solo travelers. That is the best! I love meeting groups of people who traveled alone from home and who hang in groups that have evolved along the way.

On Valentine’s Day I arrived to Varkala which is one of the nicer beaches in Kerala. The natural beauty of the red cliffs looming over the sand and surf were gorgeous. The tourism that was densely packed atop these cliffs really put me off. I have no problem with destinations that have a large quantity of foreigners who are more there to party than to get that traveling interaction with other culture. I am tolerant of this sort of scene because it fulfills a need for me when I need to take a break from the travels. But the particular Varkala tourist niche is not MY scene. The restaurants play music like Jack Johnson, the layout does not have a thoughtful urban planning with buildings stacked up against each other…and then there are the tourists. These just aren’t my kind of people. These are folks who prefer to be safely distanced from interacting with the culture of the country they are visiting. If you take a look at the photos from Varkala you cannot really see any signs of what country they take place in.

The two best parts of Varkala are the natural beauty of thick coconut tree forests and the red cliffs. And the other was my guesthouse. Somehow I lucked out and found a budget gem back behind the throngs of up-market rooms butting up to the cliffs. Nice travelers stayed there…people unlike the generic tourist-folk strolling along the cliff who I cannot imagine would ever be found sitting on a local bus or at a street side chai shop munching on a crunchy samosa from a nearby cart.

Anyway, I just wasn’t feeling this place so I felt strongly about leaving after only one night.

And I woke up to the sound of the guesthouse mama showing a room to a new arriving backpacker. I poked my head out my door and said that I would be leaving today so my room can also be available to take. But instantly I caught a glance of the man with the backpack and an overnight train ride scruffy appearance and mere seconds into my announcement I realized…I wasn’t leaving anywhere. This smiling hottie’s eyes met mine and I saw this was worth sticking around for…

Anyway, Georg, my new next door neighbor and I were inseparable from then onward. And suddenly Varkala was much more enjoyable and all those things that bothered me before about this tourist trap seemed to fade into oblivion. Georg and I had a rapport that was a natural flow of fun, including our mutual appreciation of this corny tourism scene here and making fun of it while reveling in its offerings.

We left Varkala together to head north for a canoe trip through Kerala’s backwaters. At the end of the day, despite the new location, our chemistry proved to last and we had a blast together.

And no matter how awesome or hot and heavy it had been and had increased to, it suddenly came to a screeching halt

After realizing he felt conflicted Georg decided to inform me that this cannot go forward he has a girlfriend at home.

Hmmm… uh-huh. I see.

How did I feel at the moment of getting this information, you may ask?

Well, have you ever been walking down the street, or in the park or the shopping mall and from far away some person “recognizes” you and shouts out and waves? And even though you don’t recognize this person you match their enthusiasm and give a wave in reply. Then suddenly this person gets a better look and realizes that he/she actually doesn’t know you at all and had mistaken you for someone he/she really does know and like. And since you are not that person, the waving hand drops, the smile disappears and they walk the other way. And you are left there with a goofy grin and feeling like a horses ass.

Well,

That’s kind of how I feel.

Maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should.

I guess I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it if the connection and chemistry wasn’t true.

But it was there.

I guess I don’t expect this kind of thing to happen to me because I give the benefit of the doubt that people will have the integrity to fix a problem in their current relationship…or to leave the relationship altogether before reaching out for the temptation that exists as an indicator of something missing in the current relationship.

Anyway, I guess this little blip on my road is temporarily a tough one for me to move on from because this amazing friendship I had with Georg was coming right after a period of feeling pretty lonely. And then to have it end up like this is…well, it’s a drag.

And luckily a drag ain’t so bad…

And there’s always tomorrow.

Kanyakumari http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603902240718/

Varkala http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603934536761/

Backwaters http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603934710919/

which way to have it all?

Every time I come to India I seem to have a trend of spending February blazing trails by myself and away from the rest of the tourists and backpackers. It's a time that usually follows a month of the beach scene of Goa/Gokarna which lack of the authentic cultural immersion given by the villages and destinations I have visited this past month.

Sure there are other foreigners in the places that I've been but sparsely so. Plus the layout of the places I got to don't have backpacker chill zones where i can acquaint new friends.
Ultimately i reach a point where i get lonely.
I'm having fun, no doubt...but i am missing out on conversation, company and camaraderie. I do meet lots of friendly local people but our lack of common language keeps us at a level of interaction that makes me yen for more.
Lately I've been reaching out with online interaction to feed my needs...which has been somewhat helpful.
But now the itinerary swimming in my head is starting to take new shape because I need to work in some spots so I am assured to meet some like minded travelers.

but then i have to wonder where that line is...
the one, that line, that i am always at conflict with
when i need to bend a little from MY path so i can be with others.
i often question myself with that big fat MY...ME...I...
and then when alone and lonely i can now look right at that big fat MY...ME...I...to know why:
perhaps i should be more about the we and the us
so i can not feel so alone.

BUT
you know there always is that fat but sticking in there...
i also feel like if i am totally pursuing what *I* want to do so then i attract to me the people who also share this path
still, i am often alone

so which one is it?
or if neither,
then WHAT ?

plus i just don't know if i can handle the we the us the together
because sometimes i have it
and i leave it

duh

anyway, I'm working on it


today i arrived to a new spot that is a sweet mix of half foreigner and half domestic tourism. I ate dinner at a restaurant that was 100% foreigners for a delicious meal that cost double the amount it cost for my 10 hour local bus ride that delivered me here this evening.

As for my dinner experience, it was "ok".
Then after dinner i wandered out and enjoyed finally seeing Hindi signs for the first time in a month and practisced reading...and ultimately engaged in fun conversation with some Rajasthani restauranteurs in Hindi.


I am so torn.
Authentic cultural travel vs. the backpacker "scene"
Can't i have both?

i know i can
but i haven't had a taste of both chutnies on the same chapati in a long time


Here are the amazing sights from Rameswaram:
http://flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603885524585/

loving Madurai

i'm in a room so sketchy that i feel like a contestant on "Fear Factor"
hooray for a bargain

I've also come full face with the resilience of 6" long Indian cockroaches
smacked the bloody hell out of the one by my sink
twice
both times it got up and walked 10 minutes after the throttling
seriously...there was juicy guts and mangled legs
and the fucker still got up and walking into the gaping hole in the wall

anyway
Madurai seriously kicks ass
a new addition in my favorites list of india

was at a loss of what to do after dinner tonight
while drinking a chai on a busy street a few blocks outside of the tourist hotel region i saw a white cow walking down a busy city street more briskly than the usual gait of cows. so i decided to follow it.
i ended up on a street corner sitting on a raised cement block where i was partially hidden by a pole.
it was freakin great to be a fly on the wall to see a night in the life of Madurai's old town district.

my favorite image from this evening was the group of ~7 men transfixed on the tv screens in the showroom window of an electronics store that were showing close up animal video of baby bears licking each other

here are the images from today that i caught with my camera

seriously i could just take photos forever in madurai
eventually i just had to set down the camera and enjoy
and have faith my memory will capture the remaining gems

rah rah! i've got spirit yes i do!

Tiruvannamalai’s ashram district is a bubble keeping devotees safe from most of the rigors of India. Once in the flow there I found it was much like being in an adult summer camp of spirituality. I woke up every morning to watch the peacocks dance outside my balcony. Then by 9:30am I was seated in a small hall jam packed with cross legged meditators for Shanti Ma’s blessing at Shiva Shakti. Afterwards was breakfast which usually correlated with conversations with other travelers over fried eggs, toast and milk coffee. The afternoons were like free time for walks around Mt. Arunachal, visits to the temples in town or siestas in one’s room. Interspersed through the day were chai breaks which also correlated with more deep conversations with travelers. If needing more blessings you could opt for an additional afternoon Shiva Shakti at 5pm. Afterward is the 6:30pm singing mantra chanting in the big hall of the main ashram. Topping it off with dinner at the buffet restaurant.

I really looked forward to the shiva shakti and evening singing. They were both so peaceful and grounding for me. Sometimes I’d really meditate and get clarity and peace. Other times I was just chillin amongst the pack as a spectator, watching people’s elated expressions, for example when bowing as Shanti Ma entered the shiva shakti hall.
This guru woman is a trip. She is short and dressed in a fabric that almost matches her skin color and walks at a very slow shuffle. Her hand movements are almost imperceptible and her glassy eyes at times reach mine and give me that shakti jolt while all the while her smile stays in place; not like a happy grin…more like a contented peaceful half-smile. She paused briefly in her shuffle through the room to bring that slow motion blessing to each of the 70+ people in the hall. It was very calming and I saw her as this conduit of spirit sharing its love to the group. I was really into it in the sense that I felt so relaxed and at peace at the end of the hour.

Inevitably my scrutinizing side reared its head on occasion and I wondered what Shanti Ma is like when not in this blessing trance state during her twice daily Shiva Shakti. Does she also shuffle around her apartment with that trance-like gaze during her off time? Or does she ever crank the bollywood tunes and dance around in front of her mirror? Thoughts like this always brought a grin to my face, which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing because it made me appear almost in the elated worshipping stance like many of my cross legged neighbors in the hall.

When I first arrived to Tiru I was trying to figure it all out and work all these teachings into my life. I quickly realized that there is no one belief system or following here, but a collection of several. So there was no single teaching I could focus on. I didn’t know the rules or what I am supposed to do or where I was supposed to go. So, in the end, I just created my own. As usual. And once I realized this I don’t know why I initially thought I was going to get some ONE answer here because I already understand that I am the ultimate source of guidance…me and my intuitive connected dance with spirit.

It seems like anything goes here. If you would like to be a guru…YOU CAN! Just come to Tiru and print up fliers and post them in all the restaurants in the ashram bubble and host gatherings. Join the Jamaicans, French, Germans, Israelis, etc and host a “Satsang with Meenu”, “Enlightenment NOW! with Jackie and Frederique” or “Chakra Balancing Dance with Ranjii” etc. And if you have some pertinence in your message and teachings there is a good chance you will have a following.
Wow I am sure that I am coming off sooooo skeptical. Let me clarify. I believe most of these gatherings and teachings have huge offerings and pertinence, but I am also realizing that you do not have to be a 68 year old man from a holy town in Madhya Pradesh wearing a modest white longi and a turban to be a guru.


The more I check out spiritual centers in the world the more I realize that I am not a religious person.

Don’t get me wrong though. I am accepting the dance and swirling in a constant relationship with a more high spirituality than I can fully grasp. But that doesn’t mean I am religious. When I am in any religion’s church, temple, cathedral, hall, under a sacred tree or whatever the religious gathering spot is I have the same feeling at them all: I absorb the power and peace of the high vibration of spirit. At the same time however, nothing is compelling me to stand up, chant the mantra, sip the fluid, eat the offering, sing the song, bow my head to the floor and press my hands together in time with an amen “do-si-do”. These expected rituals that formulate the proof of devotion never resonate with me. I know my relationship with spirit and you and any religion cannot tell me how to do it. Nor do I need to prove it to anyone.

Even still, during a meditation session, I wonder if people take quick peeps around the room to see me sitting there, fidgeting often and with eyes open, watching the process. And perhaps they may also notice that I don’t stand up when 98% of the people are standing up. Obviously I don’t care too much what they think or else I could easily avoid the perceived scrutiny by going through the motions.

But in life, I also don’t applaud to performances that don’t move me, nor do I know the specific names of trees and flowers that I find beautiful nor do I always remember names of people with whom I have had enormous connections. I do however know and appreciate how I feel in response to them.
And I do not have a religion per se. Well, I do, but it is *my* religion. And it is one that is in constant flux and evolution aligned with myself as I am exposed to the amazing teachings and inspirations that touch me. I am a constant seeker of religion since they host inspiration for me while at the same time denying it in its entirety as my own spiritual path.
* * *

I left Tiru yesterday. I was feeling really ready for a new atmosphere even as I had flourished in the offerings of the bubble. One 3 ½ hour local bus ride through gorgeous Tamil Nadu scenery delivered me to the coastal town of Pondicherry. I was a bit concerned about getting affordable accommodation in this upscale destination for wealthy European travelers and was stoked to find an amazing room within my budget. Things were flowing perfectly! And as I filled out the register at Surya Swastika Guest House I reached in my bag’s special little zippered passport pocket so I could fill in that inevitable visa # blank on the registry form…and found the pocket empty.
Oh
My
God
It’s hard to describe the feeling of being in another country without that umbilical cord of one’s passport. I felt a panic wash over me as I scanned my memory files in my pea-brain to remember where it could be, bypassing any suspicion of theft. I wanted to ask my mommy for help but quickly remembered that I am an adult now and that I am here in India alone. And there is no one to reach out for help except within myself. And somehow I got the strength to remain calm and suck it up and gitterDUN!
Unable to find the telephone number of the business where I had exchanged a traveler’s check the previous day I went on total faith in my gut feeling that my passport WOULD be there. So I immediately hired a taxi for a roundtrip ride back to Tiru. Jeez I never do this…I always travel by local bus and will occasionally splurge on tourist overnight AC busses. But one hour after the scary discovery of my passport missing I deemed this situation worth a splurge and was riding in one of those old timey looking white Bentley-type private cars through the fertile rice fields and boulder strewn horizon back to Tiru. In conflict with the first half of this missive I found myself praying to Jesus that my passport was still there.

And it was.
So yesterday was interesting. I spent all day in transit back and forth between Tiruvannamalai and Pondicherry and other than some worry about the situation of my passport (which faded as I relaxed into the taxi ride and gorgeous scenery) I was sort of ok with how my day became devoted to transport & recovery. Which is weird because if this happened at home (or if on a two week vacation) the one day “wasted” would have pissed me off totally. Yet I was so calm and at peace in the entire day devoted to mending the results of my oversight.

Today I spent the day wandering throughout Pondicherry, which is a French influenced east coastal town. It is quaint to be sure and I highly recommend it. But it’s not the kind of place I feel like spending a lot of time in. So after one full day here I leave tomorrow. Adieu & bon voyage!

Tiruvannamalai http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603843573119/
Pondicherry http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603867839449/

discerning the blocks from the fear

As usual, one month into the trip I feel I have reached a state where I am less affected by the attachments to the unnecessaries of my life in the USA. The things that I am aware of while at home as being the filter of fog to prevent me to seeing more clearly the signs of direction.

It’s been one week of seemingly inconsequential destinations

that as I arrived to each I realized these places were merely points of the progression to my present.

As friends from Gokarna departed to interesting destinations I embarked toward a place that wasn’t so appealing but would be great for business connections. So instead of the easy overnight tourist bus that is filled with beds for comfortable slumber to awake to the next fun place I boarded the first of many local busses. I sit in the front seat so I can get the perfect view of the road ahead. It’s like a video game. The rules of this road are that the bus has the right of way. But because there are no rules in India this brings forth the barely missed collisions at top speed of targets varying between other vehicles, trucks doubled in height by cargo loads of sugarcane, crushed boxes, and other random items, bicyclists, pedestrians, cows and the occasional dog who decided to nap smack dab in the middle of the road. And as close to crash as we get, we never have an accident. I’ve reached a point where I have detached fear and faith in the driver to deliver us. However it is still an intensity that I can stomach for no more than 7 hours at a time. Thus instead of making brisk journey I am instead hop scotching through Karnataka and into Tamil Nadu. And actually I was stopping and checking out each place along the way because you just never know…I could find a gem somewhere. But that didn’t happen. And as I wandered around on sightseeing jaunts and in cities where I saw no other foreigners at all I wondered what the teacher was in this experience. But I remained in the faith that despite the meaningless appearing blips the trip would amount to something.

But what?

Last night I arrived to Tiruvannamalai to my 5^th big Indian city packed to max with people, cars, pollution, bustle and grime and I asked when I would find a place to feel “it”. It was after dark so I couldn’t board another bus to keep going to that “guaranteed” good spot that was sure to be next in line in my flowing itinerary. Plus I had heard so many good things about T.V.Malai and I didn’t want to give up on this place yet. I had no idea where to go and there was so little written in my guidebook…not even a map. All I had heard was the infrequent nice traveler tell me how much they love T.V.Malai.

Btw, no one speaks Hindi down south and so my Hindi lessons that just wrapped up before flying to India last month wouldn’t help me at all here. It’s not only different languages in the south but they don’t even use the Hindi lettering so my new ability to read and write in Hindi does me no good round these parts. So communicating to my rickshaw driver where to take me when I was stinking from a long day journey of 5 hours on the train and then a 3 hour local bus and being fatigued from having to be “on” nonstop since I left Gokarna made it more difficult to relay where to take me.

A challenge in a language he barely knows and to a destination I didn’t even know was, uh, challenging.

“on”.

What I mean is that I have to be alert to avoid the scams, the men walking too close and “accidently” brush their hand against my crotch in passing, the not knowing where to go or having a sense of direction, while all the while having to memorize the signs and buildings around me so at the end of the day I can find my way back to my guesthouse. I guess that doesn’t sound too much fun, but really it’s not a fun or non-fun type of point that I am making. It’s just having to be “on”. And after several days of this it is tiring.

I reached a point where I was really looking forward to lowering my shield and reaching a comfort zone.

Determined that T.V.Malai is such a zone, my faith guided me to suggest to the driver: “take me to where the foreigners stay”. Because in this bustling area of the town I was again the only foreigner I saw. He took me to a hotel that looked too expensive for my budget and they were full anyway. Actually this week is a first because I have come across so many full lodges that I have never experienced this before. My guess is that the Indian economy has gotten so good in the past few years that Indian families are traveling more than I have ever noticed. So anyway with embarrassingly freaking huge backpack I wandered through dark streets looking for a hotel anywhere and I wasn’t seeing one. I started to cry but halted that pretty fast. Finally I found one and yippee they had rooms available…even for cheap! But now I know why…it was such a skuzzy room. Oy. And on top of that the hotel “boy” who brought me a bucket of hot water so I could finally bathe was lingering in my doorway leering and checking me out in such a gross way I felt violated. And I had to almost move him physically out of my doorway to close the door… now wondering how this could be my comfort zone. I tried to accept it and tell myself to loosen up and where’s my sense of adventure?

When I woke up I decided I should go to the “ashram” to see what’s there.

Ashrams are places throughout India for spiritual growth practices that vary from intensive life changing vessels to a front for a cheap accommodation. I really wasn’t sure what to expect at this one.

I’m so glad I didn’t give up to soon and run from this town. This ashram is the real deal and I have barely even scratched the surface. It’s still a bit of mystery but much more clear than this morning when I arrived.

A great technique in India if you’re not sure what to do is to sit at a chai shop and unwind over a delicious chai…and watch. Finishing my chai 15 minutes and 5 rupees later I had chosen a direction and took the path to a café where inside were several other backpackers like myself sipping tea and having breakfast.

As usual I sat by myself, isolating myself. dammit. Thank god for friendly and outgoing people otherwise I’d never get anywhere socially. The woman across the massive table joked about a “you had to be there” and opened it up for me. And I was left there hanging. Even after our shared moment I sat there struggling to point of wanting to cry. But instead I picked up my coffee and bag and walked over to sit right next to her and said something like “hi, I just arrived here and I am so confused and shy and do you mind if I ask you some questions about this place?”

Awww…and she was so friendly and open. It was freaking awesome conversation…so nice. She and her boyfriend actually helped me find a room in their guesthouse which is amazing.

Why do I have to make it so difficult? That was freaking easy! Just go up and talk to people.

Why can’t I just expect the best instead of my spirit wincing as I try to fly?

As for the ashram, I can already tell that this is one of the mac daddies of India. It is amazing and I am really liking the energy shining from the people I have met here. We bypass the standard initial conversations to fast forward to the deep conversation where I am lifted up and beyond to philosophical and spiritual expansion. Yes, this is a new tribe for me. I am not implying that I am going to follow the teachings of the Sri Ramana Maharshi because I don’t even know what they are. But I can say that I am enjoying the wandering and deep conversations here.

My first exposure to the Maharshi’s spiritual gatherings was sitting in tonight on some hour long mantra chanting satsang. (There’s a name for it but I don’t know what it is yet.) And I sat there listening to the deep male voices taking turns with the light high notes of the women I reflected on my week leading me up to where I now sat cross legged in the large hall filled with seated people from all over the world singing in words I didn’t recognize while some altar in the front of the room was encircled by followers.

I realized that the necessary next step for my progression is the clear discernment of knowing the signs of where I am not supposed to go…

From the deterring face of fear which holds me back from where I need to go.

Because you know…if I use both to keep me away

Then I will never get myself anywhere

http://www.ramana-maharshi.org

http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603814972498/

Days of our Lives: Kudle Beach

At breakfast this morning, Uval asked me what I’m going to miss most about Kudle Beach and I told him the people. The friends I’ve made, the conversations and…the drama.

Of course the beach is gorgeous, there are many nooks to wander around during the day and Gokarna town is a sweet Karnataka village. But the biggest highlight for me here were the friendships and fun times connecting with other like-minded travelers.

I had gotten sucked into the vortex.

In the first few days after arriving to Sea View Resort I spent my chill time at my guesthouse cafe sitting upright and alone at a table by myself surrounded by groups of people who lounged comfortably with others in conversation and often laughter. I wasn’t interacting with anyone and barely able to make eye contact. Every day at sunset was the highlight of my day where people would gather for volleyball, poi spinning and music making. I developed a corny crush on one of the volleyball players who I never seized opportunities to approach him. And once I finally talked to him I realized that it is senseless to create my fantasy pedestals for people. How could I know this man is so wonderful without even exchanging conversation and feeling our interaction? It’s much like when I had a very sweet and romantic moment with a Spaniard who couldn’t speak any English. Communication is essential for knowing if there is a deep connection possible. And on that same token, I let the groups of chill backpackers sitting around me at Sea View intimidate me…because why? Because they were comfortable and don’t have this shy thing that plagues me most of the time.

Eventually I did talk to the amazing volleyball player guy and well, he is nice and deep and attractive, but the truth is that we don’t have that spark that is essential to take a friendship to a more intimate level. On the other hand, my good friend Nijiko clearly shared that “zing” with him. And that was a little weird to witness. I mean, I sat with the two of them and watched their undeniable chemistry. I was really happy for them because it was clear there was something between them happening. And also happy for Nijiko because she is one of the big-time sweethearts I have come across in life and she deserves all the light that she brings to herself through her own beaming personality. But anyway it was also a little weird because I had told her that I had a crush on Mark and she probably also felt a little awkward about how things ultimately developed.

So early in my 2 weeks here I had concluded that I have to stop this fantasy pedestal status I give people; to see everyone as equal and to appreciate strengths instead of putting them above me (as if I don’t also have offerings in strength !?).

I decided to step outside of the Sea View to change my scenery if even for just one meal.

And that one meal found me alone and ultimately approached by an older Indian man. By the end of our lunch I discovered that he is a trained psychologist and had just completed teaching a course that involves recalibrating brainwaves to release emotional patterns of history…to clear paths for new beginnings. I was like…”oh duuuuude…I really need that right now”. So even though he was to leave Gokarna in 2 hours he happily gave me the treatment that involved about 15 minutes seated under a shady tree at the edge of the beach. He clutched my head in his hands and I’m not sure what else he did because my eyes were closed. Now I’m no sucker, I use caution wisely and rarely am duped. And this was very cool.

When he was finished I felt really clear and my body was tingling.

And thereafter, everything changed for me…

No more crushes, no more shyness and no more pedestals.

I don’t mean I was suddenly walking up to any interesting looking person. But my demeanor softened, I was approachable and I was also initiating. Suddenly I didn’t care about having crushes and my energy shifted more to the amazing conversations I was having with new found friends from Germany, Greece, Israel, France, Spain and many more. With each day the friendships deepened.

The environment of travel is a condensed form of relationship development where you are spending all day long for days on end with new friends and old. Thus the speed of deepening relationships quicken much more than those at home where if you have your first nice date or meeting with someone the likelihood is pretty low that your next meeting/date happening will be the same day…and several times in this same day.

At home it’s more like you meet someone and then a week later you see them at another event or gathering…at best. So the speed of relationship development at home is so much slower.

So what does that mean for my two weeks here? Well, I feel that my work to be done here was not so much about meeting my dream man but more about softening my reserve and calming my insecurities. To work on friendships and make connections.

Ironically however, all around me was this big soap opera: friends becoming lovers and the inevitable dramas that can come when in the scenario of temptation and stimulation. I suppose I could feel like I missed out a bit by not having my own little romance here, but I prefer to revel in my current status of observer…and at times a sounding board for the venting tryst participants.

So in a nutshell it was like this:

-My next door neighbor seemed pretty borderline crazy but pleasant enough, so I let that one slide. She was detached from personal relationships, probably from a past trauma, and instead shifted all her focus toward a litter of 4 puppies that were born outside our guesthouse on the beach.

-One woman moved in with her new love and later they had friction and then just as they were going to part ways the guy came back around.

-I saw the French guy I had a crush on last season had arrived to Kudle, but unfortunately he has a girlfriend with him this year. Zut allor! While giving me a macramé beaded hair extension on the beach he told me he was in the middle of a big fight with his girlfriend. And moments later she came over and gave me that jealous girlfriend “look”.

-As depicted above, my friend Nijiko from Japan who I was tight with last season in Bhagsu hooked up with the guy I had a crush on but who I later realized was better suited for Nijiko.

-A large group of us took a one hour boat ride north to an amazing (mostly)-undiscovered beach for a full moon party. The party was such a joke and I think I can confidently say now that psytrance sucks unbelievably (although Gulabi and Lee told me not to make a decision based on this super wack party). Aside from the party however!! The trip to the beach was awesome because our group from Sea View was so great…love these people!! And the beach was amazing…almost as gorgeous as the Andaman Islands.

-My neighbor, upon return to our guesthouse after the full moon party, ended up completely flipping out for over 24 hours…thankfully with a break here and there. Two of the puppies had disappeared and this did not bode well for her in the mix of medications she both took or needed to take and hadn’t…anyway, screaming and violent attack of the internet café owner and full drama psycho freak out ensued. Finally someone located some valium and things chilled out a bit.

DRAMA!!!!!

Anyway, there are several more little soap opera whoppers, but that above list is the greatest hits of my two weeks.

Yeah so what I am going to miss most here is the people and the great connections. And in a weird way I suppose those little dramas are a bonus as well. But that’s easy for me to say because none of them affected me directly. I was only in it as support or a mere observer.

It makes me wonder if taking on my own personal dramas would enrich my experiences.

?

Really I am not sure about that one.

I like to glide

http://flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603734234347/

http://www.youtube.com/user/dwanjabi

this shy thing

I finally feel at home

Mind you, I’ve been having fun since I left the US 3 weeks ago. First two weeks were the party, the sun, the sand, the tan…

Through my yoga class I made some sweet friends, Nadia and Tonya from Switzerland. I wasn’t planning to leave Arambol and when Nadia asked if I wanted to share a taxi with her to Patnem my first reaction was that it was way too soon to leave. But I slept on it and when I woke up I realized that my approach for this trip to India is to be open to possibilities: no rigid planning or expectations. That’s why when I booked my ticket to India it was one way…to be completely free to what unfolds for me. Where next and when? I don’t know. So when my impulse to answer “no” to travel with a person who I feel so comfortable with as if we’ve been friends for years happened…I checked myself. Why stay in Arambol? Because history proved that 3-4 weeks to stay in Arambol is the norm? Dwan, baby, this is not being open. So I did it. I left.

Patnem…actually not exactly Patnem. It was a quiet and relaxing nook between Patnem and Palolem. Just next to Nadia’s place I got a hut, my own hut complete with a fan, toilet and shower and the random cat that crawled in through the open roof and the colony of ants that had formed in my plastic bag of used toilet paper and tampons. All for 300 rupees. Oh man, that is waaay over my budget. But thankfully I had the bathroom because promptly after arriving to Patnem I got sick. All the probiotics and grapefruit seed extract didn’t help me. So, alas, 6 days in Patnem running to the toilet and laying around in Laguna Vista restaurant. Lying down, chatting with a very nice collection of people, watching young Indian boys climbing on the rocks and the sun setting beyond the single palm tree. We often wondered aloud how we will be able to return home to restaurants that don’t have mattresses so we can lounge and lye down…

Once able to roam and wander beyond the nearby location of a toilet I realized that this isn’t the place for me. But I was conflicted because Tonya showed up 2 days after Nadia and me… and then came Karolina, my Polish friend who I have known for the past two seasons in India. I felt like leaving because… the scene is not mine. And I felt that the only thing keeping me there were these excellent 3 friends. Girl talk, chillin together without having to say a word and the comforts of authentic connection.

I was missing the “freaks” as I call them: people who aren’t afraid to stray from normal expectations. The people in Palolem/Patnem were pretty conventional in appearance and behavior. And I wasn’t challenged by it. So I decided to leave by myself and go to Gokarna.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603679689588/

I am so glad I did!

This is most definitely my scene!

In India, this is the way I roll: I am usually having fun no matter what, but I will float around until I find these places where I feel at home. And Gokarna is my first bull’s-eye. I was here 6 years ago and luckily it hasn’t had the exponential changes like in other amazing spots in India that have been a bit spoiled by the discovery of mainstream tourism.

I’m seeing this return to Gokarna as the completion of a cycle. When I came here 6 years ago it was the first place I came when David and my relationship of 3 years ended. What I found then as I am finding now is joy. Ok, to many the word “joy” is pretty extreme in the happy synonyms. Well, it’s true. I think what I am feeling is “joy”. It’s kind of weird to say.

I am staying at Kudle Beach and it is mostly the same as 6 years ago except for 3 big and very acceptable changes: 1) a few more restaurants with excellent food 2) more people (not too much, cuz there’s a fine line) and 3) toilets! Last time I was here I was sick and there were no toilets. So every time I had to run quickly to take a shit (or squirt, to be more specific) I had to run into a field in view of the nearby wandering cows and the occasional local person. Now all I have to do to get to the toilet is walk through the restaurant past groups of freaky and normal people with no attitude and just really cool because they, in their essence and without a label or scene, are just cool.

Daytime is a bit hot so I usually find some nice shade to chill in until around 3pm when I hit the beach right in front of my guesthouse and very intentionally to the side of the volleyball net. Every day just before sunset a collection of amazing and beautiful people gather in front of my guesthouse to play volleyball, sell their handmade jewelry, make music and look at and interact with all these other amazing diversely international people. One specific area of my attention is going towards this one dreadlocked guy who also happens to be an excellent volleyball player. I can’t tell where he’s from…Israel? Not sure. Actually I think he may be American which is pretty damned novel to see hot and cool American backpacker in India. And damn can he spike that ball.

So I’m trying to work on this shy thing.

Really it is my greatest struggle in life. I’ve been aware of it as a barrier and how it impedes with my potential relationships…both friends and more. So I have this approach to my trip to really open up. Not just open to travel and seeing things…I already do that. I mean open my heart and avail myself to connections…to laugh at my fears and shift from the pain in my history and be like a child that has purity in interacting.

That volleyball guy. I decided that he is going to be my little experiment. I am making eye contact and am in his vicinity. Listen, it’s a start. For me this is progress. I am being my amazing self…because that’s what it takes. You have to know you are an amazing person and show it to the world. And I don’t mean conceit! I mean to learn to love who you are and to then take this lovable person and deliver it. So there I sit and feel this joy amongst the beauty in pretty much everything around me…and, ok, watching this beautiful man spike the ball to give his team another point.

and I smile.

The “problem” is that I am approached by several men and enjoy lovely conversations. But they’re not the ones.

I’ve been told that this shy thing I’ve got is only bringing to me those that pursue me and then I am less likely to be with the ones that I choose. It’s really true. Almost every guy I’ve ever dated has pursued me. You know what? I don’t feel like waiting around for the ones I want to come to me. So therein is my little situation where I am working up my courage to break out of this stupid shy thing. and while I slowly wind up for the pitch I am sidetracked by the men who approach me. I feel ungrateful for their attention and I also feel like I should like these men because they really are nice and all. But I keep looking at the volleyball guy. Even after the game is over and the sun has set. There I sat with the nice Israeli guy who I am really enjoying our conversation but can’t help looking at the volleyball guy who sits alone nearby in the now empty beach. Aargh!

You know, even if nothing ever happens with this volleyball guy this is freakin fun. Just having a crush for me is enough. I guess…

Guess where I will be again tonight at sunset?

Bom

http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603734234347/

No, I don’t “do” yoga

The first time I tried yoga was in March 2003 in the yoga capital: Rishikesh…the place where the Beatles found their guru…amongst other things. It was the most spectacular setting for yoga: outdoors in the fresh air of the mountainous northern regions of India and home to the onset of the Ganga River. Our class met on the rooftop for clear views of the open sky, trees and the sunsets; to which we would salute repeatedly.

Through the past several years I’ve had random encounters with strangers who have approached me, surmising that I “do” yoga…and as the chap the other day said so eloquently: “it is just an intuitive hunch”.

So whenever approached and asked if I “do” yoga I usually pause and look to some spot skyward and screw up my face a bit…and give an uncertain rambling answer like “well, I think yoga has a lot of potential and I’ve tried it a few times, but I guess I don’t really “do” yoga…but I’d like to give it a try”.

So the onset of this India journey seemed such perfect timing to give yoga another try. I really needed some sort of a schedule to start off my trip. The first few days found me floundering about from the beach to the town and my room…and not sure what to do with myself and all this free time. The class schedule forcing me to wake up each day and be at class by 9:30am gave me the structure I needed as I eased in to the slow non structured life in a beach town in Goa. In addition to having somewhere to be and something to do I had a vehicle for interaction…which is pretty essential to me. I feel much more comfortable interacting with strangers if we have some common thread to motivate a chat…instead of going at it cold with a “so…how long have you been in India already?”, etc.

So now I’m at day 3 of an intensive class comprised of a pretty solid and nice group of people. I’ve got some bonds solidifying with these folks and have already begun to socialize outside of class and even talk about other things besides yoga.

And thank god for that

Because

Today I realized

I DON’T “DO” YOGA

I’m not into it!

Nope!

Halleluiah!

All these years that I’ve felt that self imposed pressure that I should be doing yoga…and that one day I would master it…and that it’s my calling…and all those late nights in my bedroom when I was 8 years old and just naturally striking all the yoga poses meant that I was I yoga master in some previous life…and because I am so fit I can take on any physical exercise expertly without effort …and …and …and

So I was sitting in day 3 today and I was feeling an incredibly amount of pressure as to why I don’t feel comfortable standing completely upside down on my head. And why can’t I do it? Am I weak? Am I loser? If I don’t do it am I quitter??

And you know what I realized? It is OK for me to not “do” yoga!!

Hooray!!!

It is so silly to have created such pressure for myself. I mean, I don’t beat myself up about not snowboarding, yet I can pause at the half-pipe and admire how freaking cool snowboard tricks appear to me, yet not feel like a loser because I’m not doing it.

I reflect back to the gorgeous locale of my Rishikesh yoga class 5 years ago and now remember having felt a bit uncomfortable with several of the poses. …and had ultimately bowed out of the class toward the end of the week. Usually, without the reminders of my current yoga class, my memories of my first class are strongly fixed on the Ganga riverside class and the rooftop with the open air and the nature and the beautiful dreadlocked international men in my class, etc. And yes I do remember how the teacher pulled me in front of the class to use me as a headstand example which ultimately was mildly traumatic which precipitated me quitting back then. But I choose to reflect more on the aforementioned aspects that served me best instead of the humiliation of crying from the anxiety of a pose I was not prepared to do in front of a class.

And today when faced with a similar headstand or even the milder backbend pose I realized:

I’m not into it.

Here comes the introspective wandering conclusion:

While I jokingly tell my friends (both from the class and not) that I am a “quitter” and chuckle about it…the reality is that I can appreciate so many talents and expressions of creativity without feeling the need to duplicate it in style, form or anything similar. I can just love the beauty of what it is and take the residual energy of the joy of appreciation and apply it to MY loves and passions and creations.

So let me take this opportunity to thank all you beautiful creators, performers and talented people. I appreciate you and your gifts of raising that creative vibration.

And yes, this means you yoga masters, too.

the day before i left for India

Today I teeter on in the middle of my two worlds

The full moon intensifies

So much reflection and melancholy emotions

I face the spirit and am so curious of this direction I head

What a funny game to play with me

To have so much love and friendship blossom in the past 3 months

And then to depart from it

To reemerge into the other side

To see beauty

To make friendships

To fall in love

Only to depart once again to my Portland roots

The emotional transitions of leading one life in two worlds

It breaks my heart while it runs over

It is the strangest experience

So hard to describe

It has taught me so many useful lessons in beauty of lessened attachment

Yet this time as I go I feel attached

And think this may be one of the more emotional transitions

I am going to miss so many of you so much while I’m in India

Don’t doubt that, despite all the hot Europeans and Israeli men jumping around in the sand hitting volleyballs to each other blocking my view of the ocean waves, I will be thinking of sooooo many of you all the time.

Thank you for the love and friendship you have blessed my life with

You know who you are