It’s been over three weeks since my last travel missive. I have never gone this long without writing before! I suppose I could say that it’s overdue. And I’ve thought about this for the past few weeks and pressured myself to get inspired but I didn’t feel ready. The question I have been wondering is why?
Actually there have been so many questions of “why” since Luke arrived March 15th. My travel life delved into completely new territory by introducing a friend from home to my other life here in India. Prior to Luke arriving I had hit a slump and bumped off a groove that I adjust to flow in as I float and love and live…and I had become a bit lonely. So what more could I ask than to have not only a friend but my housemate come join me? Luke and I were acquainted in 2005 as we collaborated with many others to create one of the best Burning Man experiences I have ever had in our camp Woomb. Later he moved into my house. And in these 2+ years since our acquaintance our friendship has remained fixed at a level of loving and respectful distant friendship.
I picked him up from the airport on the evening of the 15th and every single day since, we have spent every day, most of each 24 hour period, together. Sharing rooms, sharing taxis, sharing meals, sharing the challenges, sharing laughter, sharing the craziness of this chaotic country and sharing almost everything. Sure there were afternoons we ventured on our own to get some space, but really we were pretty much together the majority of our time since he arrived.
For me, this was a very interesting test.
I suppose I realized this was coming as I anticipated his arrival, but once in the thick of it I was brought to a new level of travel than I have ever been in.
At home I maintain this safe distance dance with friends. I’ve had a history that brought me up to stay out of the way and not cause a rift…and most importantly, not making anyone feel obligated to be my friend. I see this now because after a lifetime of dropping in and out of friends’ lives to control my exposure, suddenly I was around this friend nonstop and each step of the way he remained. ..even through my dorky moments, my bitchy moments and all the other qualities I have that I am ashamed of and successfully maneuver to be hidden from friends in my setting at home. If you can imagine, it’s like this: consider if you have a tendency to be, for example, grouchy as a result of a type of situation. You might remove yourself from said situation to prevent anyone seeing this un-fun side of yourself. That’s what I do. I can sense beforehand if I’m reaching for my bitch card and at home I can escape the situation without anyone seeing this side of me.
But that, it has become clear, doesn’t work while traveling.
Every time the ogre in me began to come out I was stuck and Luke got the opportunity to meet my bitchy other half. All the while I was completely aware of what I was doing yet unable to control my unfriendly reaction to triggers. And all the while I was feeling like shit because Luke had to endure it. And all the while I was sad because I felt my behavior was killing our friendship.
Every time I showed this secret side of me, instead of my expectation that he’d no longer want my friendship, Luke stuck around. Not only that he was forgiving and making an effort to work through our friction. And every time I was blown away that here is a person who will be my friend even after meeting my other half.
This is true friendship.
I am not concluded on this issue stopping at the incredulous feeling of unconditional friendship. I need to go beyond this, deeper. Frankly, I have got to come face to face with this side of me which I detest that comes out when in certain situations. This is not acceptable. I cannot live this life of hiding my emotions that deteriorate my possibilities or happiness. The hiding must end but even more importantly I need to battle my demons and work through my issues to rid them altogether from my experience for a more open and happy life.
I think about how I want to attract to myself a lover/partner/sweetheart who is strong and solid in emotions and spirituality. How can I have these lofty expectations for a man in my life if I cannot own these same qualities in myself? You receive what you are. I have had horribly abusive relationships and beautiful loving and trusting relationships. I see now that each of these experiences in the dance of life reflected the tune emitting from my soul during that period of my life. Yes, I create my reality.
So what is it that I want, I ask myself?
I want open, mature, loving and respectful qualities in a man who is experienced and spiritual and evolving.
This is what I need to be.
On the most part I am compatible for this life partner matching. But the hidden anger and resentment that is deep in my core needs to be set free before I can become a part of a successful and loving pairing of which I strive to be in.
~ * ~
Last night Luke took off on his own.
This is sooo good for him. Now he can test himself solo in the travel: taking the train, choosing his guesthouse, meeting new friends, seeing the sights and finding his way.
And this is really good for me.
I felt relief from not having to battle my demons through our mutual reflections. I was enabled to hide again. I felt empowered.
Yesterday I came across a description of people with a Virgo sun and a particular excerpt caught my eye. After reading it I felt free of the guilt I have every time I see myself playing my bitch card.
“In relationship, the Virgo is generous with their time, initially putting most of their attention on you and showing you what a good support they are. As time goes on they start to withdraw into their world of solitude but they feel guilty about it so they often start by finding something wrong with you until they get upset enough to withdraw only now they're justified. They are extremely sensitive to criticism though they appear to be able to dish it out quite freely, and you can be sure that when they are in the cynical, critical mode regardless of where it is aimed, they are starting to spiral into their recluse cycle. If you are strong, you can encourage it knowing that they will reward you when they return. You can ask them to do almost anything but you have to appreciate them and show it. Appreciation is like the criticism antidote. They have a propensity to feel used and discarded but they will also be sickened by too much so of affection. You have to do most of what you would like to do in a toned down way, a way that is "proper" even if you don't think it's what they want, deep down, it is!”
This passage isn’t an excuse, but it shows me some insight of some of the “why”’s that have been hitting me the past 3 weeks.
Listen, I don’t want this blog to appear as if having Luke here with me hasn’t been fun. It has been fun. I, as usual, like to process my experience and grow and this time it involved the reality of the ups and downs of relationships. Sometimes it’s all camels, turbans, music and fun. Other times there’s the stupid crap like getting irritated over trivialities.
We have had such a blast chillin in the magical hippie heaven of Pushkar. Then getting Rajasthani culture of Holi and an elephant festival in Jaipur. And, then there was Agra for the Taj Mahal. Poking fun at each other and our newfound travel buddy from Moscow, Sasha, as we each took turns ailing from “Delhi belly”. Climbing and descending ghats in Varanasi and being sure to not step in one of the never ending piles of cow poop. The best was topping off each day neutralizing our energy after a stimulating day in the life of an India traveler in our room. Lazying around, reminiscing about our day, making jokes and cringing from the blaring glow of over bright fluorescents…the lights became one of our several inside jokes as we now referred to our guesthouse room as the “KGB”.
So here I am in Delhi, on my own and getting my ducks in a row on several aspects of my dwanjabi business. It’s not a bad place to hang out for week. It’s a pretty good place to ground myself to prepare for my onward northward journey.
Delhi http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604126009859/
Pushkar http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604095045154/
Jaipur http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604354934659/
Agra http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604312663207/
Varanasi http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157604355218478/
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