As usual, one month into the trip I feel I have reached a state where I am less affected by the attachments to the unnecessaries of my life in the USA. The things that I am aware of while at home as being the filter of fog to prevent me to seeing more clearly the signs of direction.
It’s been one week of seemingly inconsequential destinations
that as I arrived to each I realized these places were merely points of the progression to my present.
As friends from Gokarna departed to interesting destinations I embarked toward a place that wasn’t so appealing but would be great for business connections. So instead of the easy overnight tourist bus that is filled with beds for comfortable slumber to awake to the next fun place I boarded the first of many local busses. I sit in the front seat so I can get the perfect view of the road ahead. It’s like a video game. The rules of this road are that the bus has the right of way. But because there are no rules in India this brings forth the barely missed collisions at top speed of targets varying between other vehicles, trucks doubled in height by cargo loads of sugarcane, crushed boxes, and other random items, bicyclists, pedestrians, cows and the occasional dog who decided to nap smack dab in the middle of the road. And as close to crash as we get, we never have an accident. I’ve reached a point where I have detached fear and faith in the driver to deliver us. However it is still an intensity that I can stomach for no more than 7 hours at a time. Thus instead of making brisk journey I am instead hop scotching through Karnataka and into Tamil Nadu. And actually I was stopping and checking out each place along the way because you just never know…I could find a gem somewhere. But that didn’t happen. And as I wandered around on sightseeing jaunts and in cities where I saw no other foreigners at all I wondered what the teacher was in this experience. But I remained in the faith that despite the meaningless appearing blips the trip would amount to something.
But what?
Last night I arrived to Tiruvannamalai to my 5th big Indian city packed to max with people, cars, pollution, bustle and grime and I asked when I would find a place to feel “it”. It was after dark so I couldn’t board another bus to keep going to that “guaranteed” good spot that was sure to be next in line in my flowing itinerary. Plus I had heard so many good things about T.V.Malai and I didn’t want to give up on this place yet. I had no idea where to go and there was so little written in my guidebook…not even a map. All I had heard was the infrequent nice traveler tell me how much they love T.V.Malai.
Btw, no one speaks Hindi down south and so my Hindi lessons that just wrapped up before flying to India last month wouldn’t help me at all here. It’s not only different languages in the south but they don’t even use the Hindi lettering so my new ability to read and write in Hindi does me no good round these parts. So communicating to my rickshaw driver where to take me when I was stinking from a long day journey of 5 hours on the train and then a 3 hour local bus and being fatigued from having to be “on” nonstop since I left Gokarna made it more difficult to relay where to take me.
A challenge in a language he barely knows and to a destination I didn’t even know was, uh, challenging.
“on”.
What I mean is that I have to be alert to avoid the scams, the men walking too close and “accidently” brush their hand against my crotch in passing, the not knowing where to go or having a sense of direction, while all the while having to memorize the signs and buildings around me so at the end of the day I can find my way back to my guesthouse. I guess that doesn’t sound too much fun, but really it’s not a fun or non-fun type of point that I am making. It’s just having to be “on”. And after several days of this it is tiring.
I reached a point where I was really looking forward to lowering my shield and reaching a comfort zone.
Determined that T.V.Malai is such a zone, my faith guided me to suggest to the driver: “take me to where the foreigners stay”. Because in this bustling area of the town I was again the only foreigner I saw. He took me to a hotel that looked too expensive for my budget and they were full anyway. Actually this week is a first because I have come across so many full lodges that I have never experienced this before. My guess is that the Indian economy has gotten so good in the past few years that Indian families are traveling more than I have ever noticed. So anyway with embarrassingly freaking huge backpack I wandered through dark streets looking for a hotel anywhere and I wasn’t seeing one. I started to cry but halted that pretty fast. Finally I found one and yippee they had rooms available…even for cheap! But now I know why…it was such a skuzzy room. Oy. And on top of that the hotel “boy” who brought me a bucket of hot water so I could finally bathe was lingering in my doorway leering and checking me out in such a gross way I felt violated. And I had to almost move him physically out of my doorway to close the door… now wondering how this could be my comfort zone. I tried to accept it and tell myself to loosen up and where’s my sense of adventure?
When I woke up I decided I should go to the “ashram” to see what’s there.
Ashrams are places throughout India for spiritual growth practices that vary from intensive life changing vessels to a front for a cheap accommodation. I really wasn’t sure what to expect at this one.
I’m so glad I didn’t give up to soon and run from this town. This ashram is the real deal and I have barely even scratched the surface. It’s still a bit of mystery but much more clear than this morning when I arrived.
A great technique in India if you’re not sure what to do is to sit at a chai shop and unwind over a delicious chai…and watch. Finishing my chai 15 minutes and 5 rupees later I had chosen a direction and took the path to a café where inside were several other backpackers like myself sipping tea and having breakfast.
As usual I sat by myself, isolating myself. dammit. Thank god for friendly and outgoing people otherwise I’d never get anywhere socially. The woman across the massive table joked about a “you had to be there” and opened it up for me. And I was left there hanging. Even after our shared moment I sat there struggling to point of wanting to cry. But instead I picked up my coffee and bag and walked over to sit right next to her and said something like “hi, I just arrived here and I am so confused and shy and do you mind if I ask you some questions about this place?”
Awww…and she was so friendly and open. It was freaking awesome conversation…so nice. She and her boyfriend actually helped me find a room in their guesthouse which is amazing.
Why do I have to make it so difficult? That was freaking easy! Just go up and talk to people.
Why can’t I just expect the best instead of my spirit wincing as I try to fly?
As for the ashram, I can already tell that this is one of the mac daddies of India. It is amazing and I am really liking the energy shining from the people I have met here. We bypass the standard initial conversations to fast forward to the deep conversation where I am lifted up and beyond to philosophical and spiritual expansion. Yes, this is a new tribe for me. I am not implying that I am going to follow the teachings of the Sri Ramana Maharshi because I don’t even know what they are. But I can say that I am enjoying the wandering and deep conversations here.
My first exposure to the Maharshi’s spiritual gatherings was sitting in tonight on some hour long mantra chanting satsang. (There’s a name for it but I don’t know what it is yet.) And I sat there listening to the deep male voices taking turns with the light high notes of the women I reflected on my week leading me up to where I now sat cross legged in the large hall filled with seated people from all over the world singing in words I didn’t recognize while some altar in the front of the room was encircled by followers.
I realized that the necessary next step for my progression is the clear discernment of knowing the signs of where I am not supposed to go…
From the deterring face of fear which holds me back from where I need to go.
Because you know…if I use both to keep me away
Then I will never get myself anywhere
http://www.ramana-maharshi.org
http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157603814972498/
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