this shy thing

I finally feel at home

Mind you, I’ve been having fun since I left the US 3 weeks ago. First two weeks were the party, the sun, the sand, the tan…

Through my yoga class I made some sweet friends, Nadia and Tonya from Switzerland. I wasn’t planning to leave Arambol and when Nadia asked if I wanted to share a taxi with her to Patnem my first reaction was that it was way too soon to leave. But I slept on it and when I woke up I realized that my approach for this trip to India is to be open to possibilities: no rigid planning or expectations. That’s why when I booked my ticket to India it was one way…to be completely free to what unfolds for me. Where next and when? I don’t know. So when my impulse to answer “no” to travel with a person who I feel so comfortable with as if we’ve been friends for years happened…I checked myself. Why stay in Arambol? Because history proved that 3-4 weeks to stay in Arambol is the norm? Dwan, baby, this is not being open. So I did it. I left.

Patnem…actually not exactly Patnem. It was a quiet and relaxing nook between Patnem and Palolem. Just next to Nadia’s place I got a hut, my own hut complete with a fan, toilet and shower and the random cat that crawled in through the open roof and the colony of ants that had formed in my plastic bag of used toilet paper and tampons. All for 300 rupees. Oh man, that is waaay over my budget. But thankfully I had the bathroom because promptly after arriving to Patnem I got sick. All the probiotics and grapefruit seed extract didn’t help me. So, alas, 6 days in Patnem running to the toilet and laying around in Laguna Vista restaurant. Lying down, chatting with a very nice collection of people, watching young Indian boys climbing on the rocks and the sun setting beyond the single palm tree. We often wondered aloud how we will be able to return home to restaurants that don’t have mattresses so we can lounge and lye down…

Once able to roam and wander beyond the nearby location of a toilet I realized that this isn’t the place for me. But I was conflicted because Tonya showed up 2 days after Nadia and me… and then came Karolina, my Polish friend who I have known for the past two seasons in India. I felt like leaving because… the scene is not mine. And I felt that the only thing keeping me there were these excellent 3 friends. Girl talk, chillin together without having to say a word and the comforts of authentic connection.

I was missing the “freaks” as I call them: people who aren’t afraid to stray from normal expectations. The people in Palolem/Patnem were pretty conventional in appearance and behavior. And I wasn’t challenged by it. So I decided to leave by myself and go to Gokarna.

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I am so glad I did!

This is most definitely my scene!

In India, this is the way I roll: I am usually having fun no matter what, but I will float around until I find these places where I feel at home. And Gokarna is my first bull’s-eye. I was here 6 years ago and luckily it hasn’t had the exponential changes like in other amazing spots in India that have been a bit spoiled by the discovery of mainstream tourism.

I’m seeing this return to Gokarna as the completion of a cycle. When I came here 6 years ago it was the first place I came when David and my relationship of 3 years ended. What I found then as I am finding now is joy. Ok, to many the word “joy” is pretty extreme in the happy synonyms. Well, it’s true. I think what I am feeling is “joy”. It’s kind of weird to say.

I am staying at Kudle Beach and it is mostly the same as 6 years ago except for 3 big and very acceptable changes: 1) a few more restaurants with excellent food 2) more people (not too much, cuz there’s a fine line) and 3) toilets! Last time I was here I was sick and there were no toilets. So every time I had to run quickly to take a shit (or squirt, to be more specific) I had to run into a field in view of the nearby wandering cows and the occasional local person. Now all I have to do to get to the toilet is walk through the restaurant past groups of freaky and normal people with no attitude and just really cool because they, in their essence and without a label or scene, are just cool.

Daytime is a bit hot so I usually find some nice shade to chill in until around 3pm when I hit the beach right in front of my guesthouse and very intentionally to the side of the volleyball net. Every day just before sunset a collection of amazing and beautiful people gather in front of my guesthouse to play volleyball, sell their handmade jewelry, make music and look at and interact with all these other amazing diversely international people. One specific area of my attention is going towards this one dreadlocked guy who also happens to be an excellent volleyball player. I can’t tell where he’s from…Israel? Not sure. Actually I think he may be American which is pretty damned novel to see hot and cool American backpacker in India. And damn can he spike that ball.

So I’m trying to work on this shy thing.

Really it is my greatest struggle in life. I’ve been aware of it as a barrier and how it impedes with my potential relationships…both friends and more. So I have this approach to my trip to really open up. Not just open to travel and seeing things…I already do that. I mean open my heart and avail myself to connections…to laugh at my fears and shift from the pain in my history and be like a child that has purity in interacting.

That volleyball guy. I decided that he is going to be my little experiment. I am making eye contact and am in his vicinity. Listen, it’s a start. For me this is progress. I am being my amazing self…because that’s what it takes. You have to know you are an amazing person and show it to the world. And I don’t mean conceit! I mean to learn to love who you are and to then take this lovable person and deliver it. So there I sit and feel this joy amongst the beauty in pretty much everything around me…and, ok, watching this beautiful man spike the ball to give his team another point.

and I smile.

The “problem” is that I am approached by several men and enjoy lovely conversations. But they’re not the ones.

I’ve been told that this shy thing I’ve got is only bringing to me those that pursue me and then I am less likely to be with the ones that I choose. It’s really true. Almost every guy I’ve ever dated has pursued me. You know what? I don’t feel like waiting around for the ones I want to come to me. So therein is my little situation where I am working up my courage to break out of this stupid shy thing. and while I slowly wind up for the pitch I am sidetracked by the men who approach me. I feel ungrateful for their attention and I also feel like I should like these men because they really are nice and all. But I keep looking at the volleyball guy. Even after the game is over and the sun has set. There I sat with the nice Israeli guy who I am really enjoying our conversation but can’t help looking at the volleyball guy who sits alone nearby in the now empty beach. Aargh!

You know, even if nothing ever happens with this volleyball guy this is freakin fun. Just having a crush for me is enough. I guess…

Guess where I will be again tonight at sunset?

Bom

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