sticking around for the flow

My first two weeks in Arambol were spent finding my flow. In what felt like disconnected moments, I thought to myself…”hmm, perhaps Arambol isn’t the place for me”. I found excuses for why it isn’t for me like “this isn’t *real* India” or “it’s so touristy here”, etc. Now, as I look back at my trends in travel and in life, I realize I make excuses and tend to hit the road impatiently…as if my evacuation of opportunity will provide me with a flow elsewhere. But then the cycle perpetuates as I continue to flee.

There were some true blessings in my first two weeks…

Companionship availed itself as I floundered a bit. Sasha, my Russian travel mate from last season, showed up to Goa one day after me and our familiarity was a sweet home base of friendship. Shortly after he arrived, Morgan, a friend I camped with at Burning Man in 2007, arrived for a week with his girlfriend Monika. We all shared space at one great guesthouse…more accurately a collection of huts and rooms located just on the edge of the palm grove preceding the sandy beach of the Arabian Sea. Familiar connections from home didn’t stop there. Max, a friend from Portland, came out for a brief vacation from his intensive yoga course 30 minutes away.

I have always felt like I’m alone and the only one over here in India. In the past couple years there have been a few blips here and there. But this year starting off with these three and then also having Michaela (another friend from the west coast tribe) here as well I’m seeing a blurring of my circles and worlds occurring.

My days begin with alone time on my balcony of my room, which I love so much. Then off to coffee and chai hopping at various places around Arambol. What comes with is meeting many different people who hold different perspectives, histories and cultures. Sipping my chai while basking in these various reflections…all the while creating familiar faces that become acquaintances and ultimately friendships.

Once the day’s heat dissipates (around 2:30 or 3) I head out to the beach to bask in the glorious sunshine, while sitting at the edge of the lapping waves watching the passersby or enjoying music or performances of the creative community which dwells here in Arambol. Sunset arrives bringing contemplation of the day that has passed and the culmination of all people comes forth to the sand to sing, create and commune in the rosy glow as we watch the sun greet the sea.

The nightlife here offers a variety of options ranging from techno or trance parties, Indian fusion live bands or a simple beer or two with friends at Arcan Bar.

What I have struggled with both in travel and now I realize at home in Portland as well, is that my self-doubt and impatience keeps me on the run. Without settling in and giving some time, love and energy, how can I achieve what I am looking for? Deep connections and friendships do not happen so quickly. I feel so challenged by making a commitment anymore. So to stay in one place and let the atmosphere, people and experiences sink in makes me feel antsy…or more accurately: afraid. I realize I cannot continue being the bug on the pond skipping around on the surface and never going deep due to the constant movement.

Despite this restlessness/fear I have stuck around Arambol.

In fact, when I first arrived I committed to 3 weeks here so I could bring my room rate down. And that was so freaky for me. I was like, “woah, you mean I don’t have the freedom to bolt at a moment’s notice??” Normally I stay at my favorite spots in India for several weeks…but do so collectively, coming and going at a week or two at a time and returning. But the thought of sitting in one place for the duration has been overwhelming for me.

After two weeks, Sasha, Max and Morgan left the scene giving me that clean break from familiarity to be nudged out of my nest and fly. And all of a sudden I was in my FLOW. It was so sudden and abundant. I felt like crying from the blessings.

It began one day when a friend I have known here for several seasons who knows I love to take photos suggested I shoot promotional shots for a woman who is a fire dancer. I decided I needed a creative outlet and spent an afternoon with Miriam taking many shots amongst the rocks in my favorite spot in Arambol. It was as if this outing with Miriam broke a spell and suddenly my spirit clicked with the offerings around me. Friendships have blossomed and become loving and abundant and I feel a part instead of as a floating fly on the wall.

In this third week I have found my joy and see beauty everywhere around me. I am connecting with my tribe here, of whom, up until now I have been a spectator from the outside. But now we trade music and celebrate together in intimate environments of a collection of our tribe with my favorite music being played. This is so so sweet especially because music is so important to me and techno and trance just doesn’t cut it. In addition I am making connections I will have outside of the beautiful bubble of Arambol and onward.

Today I have made a decision to stay here for 2+ weeks more. First I had to drop my ego stance of having to keep moving and seeing as many places as possible. Now I will stay put and I can only anticipate the friendships will go deeper.

In the past year, both in India and in Portland, I have had several personality readings (of a variety types) where the message has been consistent and clear: This is the year I have to do some serious WORK on myself. If I want change and I want the deep relationships I desire I need to act NOW. I have been aware of this and thus far haven’t followed through. Now an opportunity has opened up with perfect timing and logistics. Tomorrow I begin a two week Great Freedom workshop where I will undergo some very deep analysis of myself with the goal of shifting my perspectives. Life at home is so abundant and wonderful yet I don’t always SEE it. Happiness and beauty is in the eye and heart and mind of each individual. I am looking forward to having the tools to apply this to my life at home.

The workshop begins tomorrow and will encompass every day from 10:30-6pm which makes me hesitant because the sun loving on the beach and the chai hopping will cease. However, it is MUCH more important to do this work and clear out the cobwebs and make clean my love of life and all its offerings.

And anyway, I can still boogie down at night :D

Photos thus far http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/72157612513700548/