YES

light

joy

love

happiness

it's there and i seize it

i seize light

i am joyful

i am loving

i am loved

i love

i am happy

i bring friendships to my sphere

i am open

i accept new philosophies

i want to know

you show me

who are you?

you are the beauty and the light

you are open

and happy

you seek adventure

adventure to be shared

in expression

and experiences

i love you

i have faith in my passions

and i let them shine

in my own way

i see your passions

love them

and love you

and you love me too

and honor my path

and my expressions

i have success

in the faith i have in my ways

and remain open to improvement

and recognize

the imminent change

and flow with it

and have GRATITUDE

in what you deliver me, you playful loving and helpful guide:

life

spirit

thank you

blessings, light and pathways

it's amazing how you will be received
and what will come your way

if you reach out
and ask for what you want

and not run away

transitional resistance

I was “at least this high” to get on the ride I’ve been on for the past week. The roller coaster began with my taxi to the Gandhi International Airport in New Delhi. New Delhi, Singapore, Tokyo, Los Angeles and Portland …

All within 24 hours

Initially I jumped in heading directly up to Alberta Street’s Last Thursday festival. And upward more for other gatherings.

but the ride came to a screeching halt and I’ve been stuck here on a low point waiting for the inertia for my carnival ride to coast slowly up for the next height.

The weight I feel in my heart holds me back.

So here I sit

Unable to see the next ascent

Or how high I will fly

Release this weight

And climb

*

*

Here’s my pinch

Because it was really real

It happened!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/meredith415/sets/

Cairn of river pebbles

If you are curious about my 24 hours/day for the past 11 days

riding on an Enfield

while embracing Silver

with breezes through my hair

along course single lane roads barely hugging the edge of massive cliffs

leading downward to the Sutlej River

looking upward at the glaciated peaks of Kinner Kailash

through remote untouched Kinnauri mountain villages

eating in local dhabas and speaking Hindu to the lovely people

stopping along the way

anytime

wherever the natural beauty halts us

to revel in the magic of the mountains, rivers and valleys

sitting aside a waterfall…making Israeli coffee and snacking on namkeen and Indian sweets

An adventure to rival most honeymoons in the amazement of both the surrounds

and the connectivity of us both

In my state of overwhelming emotion I find it too personal to mass email many details of the conclusion of my journey…

However, you will NOT believe the photos.

They will tell most stories.

Give it a week or so and I’ll put them online…

My final two weeks of my India travel had me exclusively with Silver and Oryan and no other people to interact with other than the locals. We did pretty much everything together for 11 days straight. For a loner like me this was a challenging test.

I was unable to continue my dance of distance

Running away

Preventing closeness

This was such a good exercise for me and with positive results.

I was blown away and flattered as hell in the first place to have been invited to join them on their adventure that they had been carefully planning for months. But after a few days passed I awaited them to tire of me. One day I felt a surge of insecurity and escaped my perception of scrutiny and dislike by searching through the Sutlej River pebble bed.

My normal response has been to run away.

But I had nowhere to go.

But by their side.

And we all continued to enjoy each other and connect and be happy.

I built a small cairn with some special pebbles I chose to keep.

Balance

Beauty

Strength

Like a tiger

Motorcycle travel in India has revolutionized traveling in India for me.

I’ve only had a taste and I want more…

Silver and Oryan continue on their journey through the Spiti Valley and will be up in the mountains until August. I don’t know if I’ll ever see Silver again…

I am currently in New Delhi and having such a great time. It is amazing the difference between how I feel today and just yesterday. I shed many tears on my 24 hours of travel back to Delhi.

I had mourned the loss of Silver yet I continue to see light.

So here in the now I still am so happy…

How can this be?

I am in a state of flux

My heart is full

Sometimes I cry

I cannot believe in two days I will be in Portland, Oregon.

And this India journey will end.

Any time I want to rest on the feeling of sadness of this loss

I ask myself what I am losing when the light in my life continues

And I am making the choice to shine

No matter the land where my feet touch the earth

a flurry of butterflies

4/10/06

Today makes two weeks in Bhagsu Village. It’s a quiet touristy place 2km beyond McLeod Ganj, the Tibetan exile location for H.H. the Dalai Lama.

I ended two years of traveling three years ago here.

A month then

A month now

It is unbelievable to me how this same place can reap such different experiences

A different existence

Sometimes I reflect on how there is difference

and I can’t help but smile

knowing how far I have grown

The magic with Silver was so powerful

Each day is so full while traveling so our relationship progressed quickly

We spent days enjoying the fresh air, peace and beautiful nature on his guesthouse terrace. He made Israeli coffee with a stove he and his best friend, Oryan, bring with them on their Enfield travels.

One amazing day Silver and I rode on his motorcycle on tiny paved paths winding through the forest. At one point we were riding up a steepening hill and a stalled car blocked us. We had nowhere to turn and with the road so steep we began to roll quickly backwards. The only way to stop was to fall sideways. What felt like a scrape at the time turned into being a 2^nd degree burn from the exhaust pipe on my right leg.

One week later it’s healing fine but it will be a scar…

capturing the memory of this day

After about a week of this condensed togetherness though…

the glow faded

Silver’s beauty is so striking

Unbelievable really

And everywhere we went he got a lot of attention from women. When my Polish girlfriends met him they told me later, “he’s delicious! To be with a man like that requires a lot of strength.”

Words that ring true

Little by little I realized that I have this little jealous gremlin inside that subdues the best in me. Silver often reassured this gremlin with his affection and our moments together. But, ultimately, what it was that stopped my adoration and the glow was the

lack of smiles

codependence

growing distance

difference

There was one day when I stopped to take a look at myself and I did not like what I saw…

Then I chose to be the me

I want to be

I walked away from Silver

And cannot believe this Gold I have found!

I am back on my path

And I sit alone on my terrace

Watching hundreds of migrating butterflies

Seeing beauty in each one

Not knowing which one to catch

Nor caring

One day I walked to my guesthouse and I saw one single butterfly sitting in colors different from the rest

Putting my finger next to him he crawled on top

And continued the journey to my terrace

Where I adored him

And set him free with the rest

**

So now this gold

Oh yeah!

I have jitters of happiness…

I stay in a guesthouse where every room has a solo female traveler. But not only my guesthouse, there is also a café I go to every night since my new phase here…

It’s a room filled with solo travelers from all different countries…

Each person left home alone

like me

Wandering their paths through India

Until we all coincided

A union of individuals

In this large room…no separation of tables and groups

I sit on my cushion on the floor

and I sit with every person here.

Columbia, Denmark, Ireland, Argentina, Chile, Spain, USA, Sweden, Tibet, Israel, Australia, France, Malta, Germany, India, England

I have found my people!

Even with my solo travel in India I have felt like an outsider to the other backpackers. Most everyone I meet is traveling in pairs or groups.

But here we are all together, creating our group of friends from scratch

Here on the top of this mountain

Dark candlelight

Guitars and singing

Chillums and joints make a pass through the entire room rather than dwelling among 3 or 4.

An amazing display of lightning

persists and brightens the mountain sky

creating a backdrop for our nightly gathering.

I have had a perma-grin on my face for the past few days…

And part of it is seeing how much I’ve changed from 3 years ago

Realizing how happy I feel now with my oneness and freedom

And having made the choice to release a situation that does not stir the goddess in me

And to have found richer shores I a flurry of butterflies

4/11/06

There was no power in Bhagsu yesterday

I couldn’t send this update because internet nehi milega

After I wrote this

only hours after my ink had dried

I sat on the lower deck of my guesthouse acquainting new friends downstairs

waiting for the power so I could take an overdue hot shower

Silver arrived

Wow

I had accepted the end

But had yet to get closure

Something had shifted

In him

and in me

I had convinced myself

As with every love

That there is a shelf life when reaching a point of intensity

My inner damaged clock sets an alarm

that what this connection is

It must end

Now and no further

But here sits Silver

Asking where I’ve been

That he had been looking for me

But I had run and hid

To find myself

I don’t do this consciously

But I went away from him

To be safe of the pain of this loss

Of our togetherness

Yet he found me

This butterfly has returned

Silver asked me to join him and Oryan to continue together on their journey.

OUR journey

together

**

The three of us leave on Thursday atop Enfield motorcycles for my final adventure in India through the Sangla Valley of Himachal Pradesh.

http://www.sangla.com/location.htm

I don’t think I will have much email from 4/13 until I reach Shimla or New Delhi around 4/24 so don’t worry about me too much if you don’t hear from me.

**

My horoscope for April 10^th that I didn’t read until today:

If you think someone is holding out on you, Meredith, you may want to rethink this. Is it possible that you are over-reacting or more untrusting for some reason? Could it be because of a misunderstanding or a lack of information? Before you accuse someone of this sort of thing take the time to consider the root of this feeling. It may be that you're absolutely right but try to be sure before you confront them on it.

photos of Dharamsala

hippies and israelis

Listening to Greg Brown on my minidisk and Indian computer speakers

I sit on my balcony writing

Intermittently looking out at the mongoose couple scampering

In the crops of I’m not sure what

Nearby Indian girls create a fashion show with their saree scarves

Bright pinks, purples and green

Creating a beautiful contrast to the lush crops

Overhead flocks of white birds encircle the area

My approach to

Right here

Was a bumpy one

Departing from Jaisalmer

I revisited Jodhpur…yes, of the namesake riding pants.

Sipping chai in a charismatic café inside an old haveli in the blue city,

I found myself amongst a different breed of traveler.

Vacationers are what I call them.

These are the folks who are on a 2-week holiday.

Totally different perspectives we have…

One gave his review of Pushkar by recommending against it

because there are too many “hippies and Israelis” there.

Huh?

Strange to hear this when I sat whiling for my present location.

On my way here…

I paused in Bikaner; a non-touristy Rajasthani small city. Like other cities of this size in India it had streets filled with diverse vehicles and foot traffic. However, in Bikaner, add camels to the mix.

I visited a temple outside the city known as the rat temple. It gets the nickname due to the thousands of rats living inside. Like a bad car accident, it’s one of those things I don’t want to see but I can’t keep from looking at.

Other than the temple I spent most of my time in my hotel room because I had little energy to withstand the Indian men who would follow, surround and stare at me.

24 hours of train and bus travel later, I finally arrived…

to another location filled with

Hippies and Israelis

Halleluia, I had arrived to Dharamsala.

My ego tells me I should be an adventurous traveler

taking risks

and taking roads less traveled.

But ego aside

The truth is that I am so relieved and happy to return here

It’s like a home to me.

Right now it *is* home

I ended my previous trip to India with a month stay here. The familiarity, conveniences, amazing people and beautiful nature

Welcome me

Relax me

Nurture me

The night I arrived it was late and somehow, despite the dark and being weary from the trip I managed to find the most perfect guesthouse. Like Pushkar, it’s filled with travelers from a variety of countries. For my first time traveling this trip I am developing a wonderful friendship with other women. These two also travel alone and both are from Poland.

But before we were acquainted I had my first evening alone with a delicious Italian meal and a large cold Indian beer…then email

…and there it was

an email from Silver

sent within the hour about how he had also just arrived to Dharamsala.

I was so excited to hear from him

and also hear that he is here also.

But fear took over

My insecurity began to win the battle

I was afraid that he wouldn’t like me now

Even though it’s still so fresh

And we’re mostly the same

And even though I got an email telling me he waits for me

I am afraid.

The past two days

subconsciously I was putting off seeing him

To avoid the pain

of my manifested rejection

If any of you were here you would shake me and ask me

What the hell?

Come on!

Go meet him!

And I remind myself of the rock

That I hold strong

…And I feigned a throw

Today we met

And I tell you the beauty is heightened

And there is magic

Oh my

You could knock me over with a feather

Sigh

*

!

When I think I’ve reached my peak

of this trip

and can’t imagine getting higher

I continue to climb

Looking out from the large balcony

I see the soaring falcons

And I also feel so high

And free

I sit alone in my today

And I cry

Because I can’t believe that I can deserve

this beauty that touches me

photos of Jodhpur

photos of Bikaner

photos of Dharamsala

It rains and pours in the India desert

Pushkar was such a strong and full collection of experiences. After several attempts to leave, i did so after two weeks. I made a realization that it makes no difference whether i have been to a place several times before or if it has newness in whether there is magic to be found.

After Silver left Pushkar i assumed that the chapter had closed and followed accordingly by packing my bag. The charm and persuasion of Jonh & Filter who work at my cozy guesthouse oasis thwarted my departure...and did so two times more until i was finally able to leave to flow with the cycle i have existed in.

at one moment i am filled with joy i am unaccustomed to. this dynamic one where i feel completely comfortable of who i am and those around me. our relationships nourish me and part of that is the mutual exchange of fun, support and growth that we share together.

Yet when the bag is packed and i step across the threshold of the bus steps or train doorway, i am entering a new reality...

i awake in the morning and i have arrived to a new land...

looking into the faces in a sea of strangers.

in one journey

in one night

i have chiseled the wonderful peak down to the bare basics.

to begin the ascent again.

here i sit

atop the majestic centuries old fort in Jaisalmer

the golden city

each building in the hue of brilliant yellow

creating a sea of gold

now that the sun sets, splashing down a rosy hue upon the landscape,

i ponder another day's passing

and where i am now

and where i have been

and where i am going

this part of the cycle masquerades as a lonely time

but unmasked it is the grounding i need

a time for contemplation

i wondered why i am not enjoying this stint in Jaisalmer when it was a highlight of my first India experience 4 years ago. so much has changed, this conclusion is simple. but who and what has changed? The place is the same so the finger points to me.

Do i have expectations that are unmet?

a level compared to the magic from four years ago?

or perhaps i am distracted by upcoming destinations that are shining brighter than this golden city...

i reflected on my experiences thus far in this trip and it is hard to imagine my reality of one and a half months ago when i sat on a beach in Goa stopping a passing woman dressed in a saree with a basket of fruit atop her head...her graceful saunter pausing to sell me a freshly cut pineapple.

was that real?

i have about 25 rolls of undeveloped film that will prove it was true.

that memory was from two months ago.

i have a similar response to memories from two days ago.

was it real when i sat in Pushkar sipping chai with two amazing friends?

when one more was added to our group in the form of an adorable 5 year old indian boy.

we couldn't resist spinning him around and throwing him in the air due to his incomprehensible pleading in Hindi for more...

the shifts in life

transporting to new arenas and dynamics

each choice

each turn

delivers

here i am now

what would have happened if i went to Bundi instead of changing my mind at the last minute to go to Jaisalmer?

or if i had accepted the invitation to join a group of Israelis to Udaipur?

Each one seems to be such a minor decision

but ultimately crucial in my overall destiny

i am awed by how intuitively tuned in many of the indian people are who i meet. Jonh, for example, from my Pushkar guesthouse, had an uncanny knack for predicting things in advance. One example was when he replied to my first announcement of my next day's departure by saying "no, i think you won't leave. you will be here one week more. i also think you will come back again...maybe next year."

i chuckled with amusement at the time but now i look back

and he was right.

a lot of my staying extra time had to do with the two English dreadlocked hippies who checked in the next day. Youthfully spirited and engaging i was able to let a few more days pass without thought.

still glowing from my romance with Silver, i was caught by surprise to find my friendship with Marc grow into a very sweet romance. He's off to Goa now as I head northward.

These romances that grace my journey have been so full

...condensing what at home would normally transpire over weeks

into a string of days.

My heart is full and i am so touched by these relationships. The kind which I have not had for years.

yes, years.

Since David and my relationship ended in India in 2001 i have not had any relationships that i would qualify as substantial or mutual.

...the substantial lapse of time, however, had left me questioning my worth.

instead i chose to question the dynamic in which i existed.

i shook things up and chose to follow my happiness.

...and here it is in india

...and my heart is full and overflowing

...in an Indian desert where it rains and pours

which makes me wonder if it is possible for this lightning to strike again?

i know it will

i want to shed tears for what i have found in each love here

the physical beauty, the inner adonis, the exchange of trust, peeling to our core, elimination of masks, teaching and learning from one another, caring

selfless caring

and more. much much more

until now i have hazy memory of a soul connection that meets the several i continue to have here in india.

now i question my life at home

and i have drawn a conclusion

seemingly rash

but, to me, so clear

i am not destined to be with an American man.

to be honest i have had no love for an American man since 2001.

What i HAVE had was the falling in love with a fantasy of having a relationship.

a normal life at home

the rooted american life

married by 30 and kids on the horizon

or loving the other more

...a pedestal

but love

for me

love is only REAL when there is mutual trust

this trust giving freedom

NO PEDESTALS

equal reverence

and appreciation

and giving and taking

this is my reality right now

but things will change

as all things do

photos of Pushkar

photos of Jaisalmer

Small cube shaped stone

Since I left New Delhi I have landed

and rooted myself

Attaining a state of being

of which seems unmatched elsewhere

I’m in Pushkar

The longer I stay

The deeper I go

To a place where I am not conscious of what’s outside

Even beyond the walls

around the corner

beyond doorways

My fuel is chai, street food, stimulation, friendships and love

Sitting on a plastic stool at a chai shop in the street

Watching the world go by

Sipping chai for hours

Hours? What is time here?

My room

My home

Includes high arches and coved shelves

Fully unpacked

Flowers and breezes

Rays of sun shining through ornate vents

This amazing space I live in is on the roof of my guesthouse. The roof a chillout space with its center an enormous Neem tree

Living and growing

Extending its healing branches

Providing shade

A resting spot for flocks of green parrots and an occasional monkey

Strong limbs supporting a lazy sun bleached hammock

The travelers here are like family…

Individual wanderings by day

But all come together at night…

Sharing chillums and friendship and stories and silence.

In the day in the sunshine we do our laundry by hand in buckets until there is the damp fluttering of sarongs on the line above.

The Holi festival fell during my stay here. This is a celebration similar to the vernal equinox, the coming of Spring and warm weather. However, here enthusiasm is evident with bright colored powder and paint sprayed though the air. The dark side of the festivity is the licentious groping and fondling of any women outdoors…and just the right lure for any curious female traveler.

Like me

With 3 Australians, two of which are male for our bodyguard companionship, I ventured into the mayhem. Arriving to the main square in Pushkar we were ecstatic to find a trance party with massive speakers, pink and purple everywhere and hundreds of bold and roaming hands. Assuming a funky kung fu type dance, I was able to stay and boogie…

amidst the cloud of color and people from all over the world dancing together…all with the same purple skin color

Solidarity

(except for the damned groping)

3 days afterwards I am free of all traces of the dark pink that coated my body.

Except my hair. I have vibrant fuscia above my forehead where a streak of blonde had been.

I’ve been having a difficult time getting motivated to write what I’ve been up to. My experiences are those not easily explained with a description of architecture, landscapes, people and itineraries. The opening I am undergoing is going deep and to attempt to put it in writing won’t capture the

acceptance, confidence, humility, family, gatherings,

sparks, magic, lust, love,

pushing my limits,

turning the tables,

seizing opportunities

melting

Yes, melting

I have met the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on

Spoken with

Shared beauty with

…

He’s an Israeli named Silver and he has dread locks down his back, dark skin and green silvery eyes. If that’s not amazing enough he is traveling in India on his Enfield motorcycle.

He left this morning…going north.

I am going there as well

But on a different time/experience frame

If we are parallel in reuniting

Well…

It gives me butterflies

When I arrived to Pushkar I visited a man who a friend I met in Bodhgaya advised me to see. A magical timing…I knocked on his door and he sat inside fully packed and waiting...

I sat with him for an hour and we spoke about possibilities and religion. Ultimately I brought up the depressing Indian past life reading I received in Varanasi. The man validated any cynicism of my fixed future reading.

I don’t know what to believe but I can identify light

and his words were shining.

As I departed we engaged in a figurative exchange

I asked him what I should do to protect myself from the mean dogs outside of his guesthouse.

He handed me a small cube shaped stone and told me to hold it in my hand.

If the dogs approach I am to be strong and feign a throw

Hold the stone

photos of Pushkar