4/10/06
Today makes two weeks in Bhagsu Village. It’s a quiet touristy place 2km beyond McLeod Ganj, the Tibetan exile location for H.H. the Dalai Lama.
I ended two years of traveling three years ago here.
A month then
A month now
It is unbelievable to me how this same place can reap such different experiences
A different existence
Sometimes I reflect on how there is difference
and I can’t help but smile
knowing how far I have grown
The magic with Silver was so powerful
Each day is so full while traveling so our relationship progressed quickly
We spent days enjoying the fresh air, peace and beautiful nature on his guesthouse terrace. He made Israeli coffee with a stove he and his best friend, Oryan, bring with them on their Enfield travels.
One amazing day Silver and I rode on his motorcycle on tiny paved paths winding through the forest. At one point we were riding up a steepening hill and a stalled car blocked us. We had nowhere to turn and with the road so steep we began to roll quickly backwards. The only way to stop was to fall sideways. What felt like a scrape at the time turned into being a 2nd degree burn from the exhaust pipe on my right leg.
One week later it’s healing fine but it will be a scar…
capturing the memory of this day
After about a week of this condensed togetherness though…
the glow faded
Silver’s beauty is so striking
Unbelievable really
And everywhere we went he got a lot of attention from women. When my Polish girlfriends met him they told me later, “he’s delicious! To be with a man like that requires a lot of strength.”
Words that ring true
Little by little I realized that I have this little jealous gremlin inside that subdues the best in me. Silver often reassured this gremlin with his affection and our moments together. But, ultimately, what it was that stopped my adoration and the glow was the
lack of smiles
codependence
growing distance
difference
There was one day when I stopped to take a look at myself and I did not like what I saw…
Then I chose to be the me
I want to be
I walked away from Silver
And cannot believe this Gold I have found!
I am back on my path
And I sit alone on my terrace
Watching hundreds of migrating butterflies
Seeing beauty in each one
Not knowing which one to catch
Nor caring
One day I walked to my guesthouse and I saw one single butterfly sitting in colors different from the rest
Putting my finger next to him he crawled on top
And continued the journey to my terrace
Where I adored him
And set him free with the rest
**
So now this gold
Oh yeah!
I have jitters of happiness…
I stay in a guesthouse where every room has a solo female traveler. But not only my guesthouse, there is also a cafĂ© I go to every night since my new phase here…
It’s a room filled with solo travelers from all different countries…
Each person left home alone
like me
Wandering their paths through India
Until we all coincided
A union of individuals
In this large room…no separation of tables and groups
I sit on my cushion on the floor
and I sit with every person here.
Columbia, Denmark, Ireland, Argentina, Chile, Spain, USA, Sweden, Tibet, Israel, Australia, France, Malta, Germany, India, England
I have found my people!
Even with my solo travel in India I have felt like an outsider to the other backpackers. Most everyone I meet is traveling in pairs or groups.
But here we are all together, creating our group of friends from scratch
Here on the top of this mountain
Dark candlelight
Guitars and singing
Chillums and joints make a pass through the entire room rather than dwelling among 3 or 4.
An amazing display of lightning
persists and brightens the mountain sky
creating a backdrop for our nightly gathering.
I have had a perma-grin on my face for the past few days…
And part of it is seeing how much I’ve changed from 3 years ago
Realizing how happy I feel now with my oneness and freedom
And having made the choice to release a situation that does not stir the goddess in me
And to have found richer shores I a flurry of butterflies
4/11/06
There was no power in Bhagsu yesterday
I couldn’t send this update because internet nehi milega
After I wrote this
only hours after my ink had dried
I sat on the lower deck of my guesthouse acquainting new friends downstairs
waiting for the power so I could take an overdue hot shower
Silver arrived
Wow
I had accepted the end
But had yet to get closure
Something had shifted
In him
and in me
I had convinced myself
As with every love
That there is a shelf life when reaching a point of intensity
My inner damaged clock sets an alarm
that what this connection is
It must end
Now and no further
But here sits Silver
Asking where I’ve been
That he had been looking for me
But I had run and hid
To find myself
I don’t do this consciously
But I went away from him
To be safe of the pain of this loss
Of our togetherness
Yet he found me
This butterfly has returned
Silver asked me to join him and Oryan to continue together on their journey.
OUR journey
together
**
The three of us leave on Thursday atop Enfield motorcycles for my final adventure in India through the Sangla Valley of Himachal Pradesh.
http://www.sangla.com/location.htm
I don’t think I will have much email from 4/13 until I reach Shimla or New Delhi around 4/24 so don’t worry about me too much if you don’t hear from me.
**
My horoscope for April 10th that I didn’t read until today:
If you think someone is holding out on you, Meredith, you may want to rethink this. Is it possible that you are over-reacting or more untrusting for some reason? Could it be because of a misunderstanding or a lack of information? Before you accuse someone of this sort of thing take the time to consider the root of this feeling. It may be that you're absolutely right but try to be sure before you confront them on it.
photos of Dharamsala